One More Day

....First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone, and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second, say a million I Love You's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you...

~One More Day, Diamond Rio

Jennifer at The Blue Sparrow shared how she's spend one more day with her little angel Bryston, and invited us to imagine the same.

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"...Last night I had a crazy dream.
A wish was granted just for me, it could be for anything..."

I'm sound asleep, snuggled up next to my husband. The house is quiet. I'm dreaming about that last kick I heard. My daughter's last goodbye. Crying in my sleep, clutching my Leila Bear. And God speaks. "One day." My bladder is slowly lifting me to consciousness. I awaken, just enough to stumble to the bathroom. Crawl back into bed. Reach for Leila Bear. Reaching... what the heck?

Riffling through the blankets. Nothing. Getting more and more awake, more disturbed. Then I hear the rustle from the corner of the bedroom. A whimper. There's a big, boxy shadow over there that wasn't there before.

"Yasar!" I hiss. "What IS that?" He mumbles, rolls over in bed. The whimper again, then a more demanding cry. A hungry baby cry. I'm on my feet like a shot, mercilessly jostling my husband.

"It's her!" As soon as I realize, her little head pops into view. As if conjured by my words. She's so beautiful - sleep-tousled brunette curls, espresso eyes. Long lashes and pursed lips. Her chin starts to quiver out her need, but I've got her scooped into my arms before the next cry can be born. Pink footie pajamas. Soggy diaper. Scent of Balmex and Baby Wash. Letdown.

I bring Leila back into our bed. Begin nursing her. Filling up my eyes with her, my nose. Stroking that fine, soft hair. That ripe peach skin. Memorizing how her little cheeks work as she fills her tummy. We fall asleep, Leila nursing between Yasar and I.


I can't write this. It doesn't feel like truth. Ever since Leila's due date, I've put the "what if" thoughts away. I've never really imagined what she'd be like as a newborn, an infant. Someday I will receive the gift of seeing how she turned out. Until then, I really just prefer to be thankful to God that she's in heaven waiting for me.

Cottage Industry

What's been keeping me so busy lately?

Why, cheesecakes, of course!

You all know how hard these last few months have been for us. Between the economy, the cheap-o competition moving into town, bankruptcy, losing the house, losing Leila...wow, I'm really glad I'm not one of those people compelled to write an update letter to send with my Christmas cards!

Anyway, I prayed. I want to get this certain game for Andrew for Christmas. And, with no income to speak of, I was pulling my hair out, trying to figure out how.

As always, God provided.

When we built this house, my husband wanted to honor my creative side and spent $2300 on an almost-top of the live oven. And I spent about a year perfecting my cheesecake method.

(perfecting - that's funny. many times they still don't come out perfect!)

I threw it out there on Facebook, asking friends if they would be willing to purchase my cheesecakes.

That was about a week ago. Since then, I've sold 15 cheesecakes, and have another 10 orders behind it.

And I'm happy, you know?

It's so nice to feel like I'm doing something productive. I get up at 5am, plug my mp3 player in my ears, worship and talk to God. My kitchen is so much cleaner.

Of course, it makes it hard to stay on Weight Watchers. But I'm working on that.

So, that's why it's been so quiet here. If you're nosy (I sure am!) and on Facebook, you can look up my menu by searching for "cheesecakes by emily". Leave some input - what do you think would be a great cheesecake flavor? Or just leave a little note of encouragement. Those are always cherished. And while you're there, make me your friend. :)

Leaves

Thank you, Holly.....

The White Roses

All of the earth's Mothers were gathered at God's garden of flowers; those beautiful budding spirits who could someday come to earth were nurtured and tended in the Holy garden.

A Loving Father spoke to the Mothers of earth. "See the works of my hands. Someday you will be the mother's of these radiant spirits."

The Garden of God glowed with a mixture of all of the colors.

"Choose ye", He said.

Now in the East corner of the garden pure white roses stood as sentinels. They were not so colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart.

One by One the Mothers stepped forward; "I want the blue eyes one, the curly haired one,
who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion."

Yet another chose a brown eyed brown haired boy, full of life and love that would someday be a prince in a grand country.

The Garden buzzed with excitement as the others with their own special spirits, those they would soon welcome into the warmth and love of an earthy home.

Once again, Heavenly Father spoke; "But who will take the White Roses, the ones in the east corner of my garden? These will return to me in purity and goodness. They will not stay long in your home for I must bring them back to my garden for they belong to me but they will gain bodies as planned. You will miss them and long for them but I will personally care for them."

"NO!,NOT I" many of the earthly Mothers said in unison. "I couldn’t bear to give one back so soon."

"Nor I" said other mothers. "We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives."

The Heavenly Father looked out across the multitude of Mothers with longing in his eyes for someone to step forward.

SILENCE!

Then Heavenly Father said; "See the most pure white and perfect of all the white ones? I chose him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked and crucified. He is my OWN. Will not anyone choose like unto Him?"

A few mothers stepped forward, "Yes Lord I will"; then another as well. And then some in unison said "YES, we will." Soon all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choice in their mothers.

Heavenly Father spoke again. "Oh blessed are you who chose the white roses. Your pain will be a Heavy Cross to bear but your joy will be exceeding, beyond anything you can understand at this time.

The white ones embraced their mothers and so full was their purity and love that it filled their souls with such excitement. Each mother knew they could endure the tasks. The GREATEST of all the white roses gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks and the outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child, consuming all the white ones and their mothers as he prepared them for their task.

Each mother who bore the weight of the white rose felt the overwhelming love of God as they all shouted"Thy Will be Done"

Thank you, Misty, for sharing this. It reminds me of an old miscarriage saying, "Budded on earth to bloom in Heaven". I'm so blessed to have been chosen for a white rose!

Walking With You - Thankful

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. Walking With You is a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child who gather together each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

This month we are focusing on our gratefulness for the gifts we were given and the ways our lives were changed by the lives of our babies. I know that many people are busy, so this can be as simple or in-depth as you wish. I hope you will link your own post with us, sharing ways that you are thankful. I do think that reflecting on gratefulness is very valuable...especially in the throes of grief. Grief is big and consuming. The simplicity of counting our blessings refocuses a grieving heart from the giants of pain, sorrow, and hopelessness to the hope, comfort, peace, and eventually joy that waits for us on the other side of the valley. The comfort that waits for us in the arms of our Savior.

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1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
   When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
   Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
   And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
   • Refrain:
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
     
2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
   Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
   Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
   And you will keep singing as the days go by.
3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
   Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
   Count your many blessings—wealth can never buy
   Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
4. So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
   Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
   Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
   Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

~Count Your Blessings, Johnson Oatman Jr, 1897

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I am thankful. As weird as those words taste to me, and probably sound to you, I am. I have been blessed in uncountable ways by my daughter's short life and Homecoming.

I have received comfort. From friends, from acquaintances. From perfect strangers. From God.

I have been richly gifted with new friends. My eyes have been opened to the value of the friends I'd already claimed. The support I've been given has sustained me, and held me upright through this process.

I'm so lucky it happened to me here. In Troy, Ohio. God put us in the perfect place to weather this storm. He surrounded us with caring people in the midst of our despair. He brought me to the one hospital with the one nurse with the ministry of photography and a heart for those tiny, tiny angels. He provided nurses who genuinely hurt for us, and weren't afraid to show it. An OB with a heart. When I look back at everything that happened, I cannot help but praise Him ~ He has well and truly provided.

I'm grateful this happened to me, not to someone I love. I am not strong enough to watch one of my friends go through this. That takes a special person. I'm so fortunate to have a few of those special people in my life. Too many others watch their friends fade away because they don't know how to bridge the gap after a loss like this. My friends are brave. They persevered. I am blessed beyond measure.

I'd been given hope where there had been none. I was resigned to infertility. Now I know it can happen. And, even better, God told me it will happen again.

I'm so thankful for the gift of my daughter. Leila Mae. I love her. Love to say that name. Right now, I have the memories, and when I die, I'll have her companionship. I guess that's a future gift, something to look forward to. A "Now and Later".

I've received the gift of experience. Knowing what this is like. Feeling it for myself. It's given me a depth of compassion I lacked.

And I've been given the opportunity to reach out to others going through this. How great is that!?!?

I Cor 1:3-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our troubles,
so that we can comfort those in any trouble
with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

Missing Her

This week has been a stew of unproductive emotions.

Yesterday I cried over Leila. It's an unfamiliar feeling anymore.

I'm so envious of my friend, Melissa. Who had her adorable little boy two days ago.

I wonder why I was chosen for this burden.

Then I thank God I was chosen, instead of one of my friends.

It's better for me to go through the pain than to watch someone I love suffer.

Today a customer asked me if Andrew was my only child.

I said no, I have a little girl who waits for me in heaven.

I told the lady not to be uncomfortable with my answer. I'm okay. But I will never verbally disown my daughter again.

I'm so proud of that little girl! I know she's just like her big brother, and charming the socks off everyone in heaven.

I know she's adored. Because I adored her here, for the 19 weeks and 5 days I had her.

I still sleep with the teddy bear that holds her earthly remains every night.

I even had a Christmas tree ornament made, with her picture on it.

If I live to be 100, there will never be a day that I don't think about that precious face.

Those tiny toes. That sharp chin. Her button nose.

Losing her is the greatest tragedy of my life. She took a piece of my heart with her. I will not be complete until we're together again.

I live for that day.

"Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl"
~SCC, Heaven is the Face

Today in Pictures

We voted...

And Andrew did my makeup this morning. Clearly, his future as a makeup artist is secure.