Missing Her

This week has been a stew of unproductive emotions.

Yesterday I cried over Leila. It's an unfamiliar feeling anymore.

I'm so envious of my friend, Melissa. Who had her adorable little boy two days ago.

I wonder why I was chosen for this burden.

Then I thank God I was chosen, instead of one of my friends.

It's better for me to go through the pain than to watch someone I love suffer.

Today a customer asked me if Andrew was my only child.

I said no, I have a little girl who waits for me in heaven.

I told the lady not to be uncomfortable with my answer. I'm okay. But I will never verbally disown my daughter again.

I'm so proud of that little girl! I know she's just like her big brother, and charming the socks off everyone in heaven.

I know she's adored. Because I adored her here, for the 19 weeks and 5 days I had her.

I still sleep with the teddy bear that holds her earthly remains every night.

I even had a Christmas tree ornament made, with her picture on it.

If I live to be 100, there will never be a day that I don't think about that precious face.

Those tiny toes. That sharp chin. Her button nose.

Losing her is the greatest tragedy of my life. She took a piece of my heart with her. I will not be complete until we're together again.

I live for that day.

"Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl"
~SCC, Heaven is the Face


  1. "I'm okay. But I will never verbally disown my daughter again." oh yes....


  2. Love your answer!
    Beautiful post. :-)
    Love you!res

  3. I know I am glad I was chosen rather than someone else I love. I feel I was prepared to handle it. I love SCC's song!! It's so beautiful!!

    Heaven IS the face of my little girl

  4. You, and Holly, are brave women. Though I can honestly say I would never wish this horror on my worse enemy, I'm not sure I would have been the one to volunteer. I'm sorry this is a rough week for you. I'm thinking of you.

  5. I hope that next week gives you more peace than this one.

    Bless little Leila, she is a little darling and so loved.

    I wish I knew the words to soften this most cruelest of blows, but you are not alone, you have your faith, your family and your friends both IRL and through your blog.

    Sending you and your family lots of rainy, windswept British hugs!

  6. When someone asks me how many children I have, I say, "I've HAD 3 lovely daughters. 1 is in Heaven & we were honored to keep 2."

    Even though I've also had 2 miscarriages, I choose to pick my battles & only mention Jessica since she was 3 months old when she died.