....First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone, and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second, say a million I Love You's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you
One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you...
~One More Day, Diamond Rio
Jennifer at The Blue Sparrow shared how she's spend one more day with her little angel Bryston, and invited us to imagine the same.
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"...Last night I had a crazy dream.
A wish was granted just for me, it could be for anything..."
I'm sound asleep, snuggled up next to my husband. The house is quiet. I'm dreaming about that last kick I heard. My daughter's last goodbye. Crying in my sleep, clutching my Leila Bear. And God speaks. "One day." My bladder is slowly lifting me to consciousness. I awaken, just enough to stumble to the bathroom. Crawl back into bed. Reach for Leila Bear. Reaching... what the heck?
Riffling through the blankets. Nothing. Getting more and more awake, more disturbed. Then I hear the rustle from the corner of the bedroom. A whimper. There's a big, boxy shadow over there that wasn't there before.
"Yasar!" I hiss. "What IS that?" He mumbles, rolls over in bed. The whimper again, then a more demanding cry. A hungry baby cry. I'm on my feet like a shot, mercilessly jostling my husband.
"It's her!" As soon as I realize, her little head pops into view. As if conjured by my words. She's so beautiful - sleep-tousled brunette curls, espresso eyes. Long lashes and pursed lips. Her chin starts to quiver out her need, but I've got her scooped into my arms before the next cry can be born. Pink footie pajamas. Soggy diaper. Scent of Balmex and Baby Wash. Letdown.
I bring Leila back into our bed. Begin nursing her. Filling up my eyes with her, my nose. Stroking that fine, soft hair. That ripe peach skin. Memorizing how her little cheeks work as she fills her tummy. We fall asleep, Leila nursing between Yasar and I.
I can't write this. It doesn't feel like truth. Ever since Leila's due date, I've put the "what if" thoughts away. I've never really imagined what she'd be like as a newborn, an infant. Someday I will receive the gift of seeing how she turned out. Until then, I really just prefer to be thankful to God that she's in heaven waiting for me.
She is waiting and you will see her! Praying for peace and comfort in the meantime.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard for me to fathom too. Sometimes I seems like a dream. That I was supposed to have a baby. That she died instead. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand..I could not even start one for Jayden; I have put all the "one mores" and "what ifs" and "I could ofs" and "I should ofs" far far away, because if I do not I am a mean, miserable, and unhappy person.
ReplyDeleteI miss him; I wish he was here. I do not think I could bear to write a story about having another moment with him, =(
I had a hard time writing mine too but the whole time I wrote it, I felt Bryston behind me guiding my hands on what to say. It was healing for me, but there were alot of women like you who couldnt do it either and I totally understand. We all greive differently. Thank you for trying to though. *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteI understand why it is hard and possibly impossible to write. Hard to imagine them when you can't fully know what they would've been like. I do like to imagine but who knows, I could have it all wrong!
ReplyDelete