The Blahs

I just don't seem to be able to snap out of this. My favorite thing in the whole world to do is cook. And I just adore anything having to do with cooking, too. At least, I did. I just can't seem to do more than pop open a can of soup these days. And don't even ask me to go grocery shopping.

How bad of a mom am I? There's no bread in the house, eggs are low, and we've not much milk left. And I just cannot make myself go shopping.

Is this the pregnancy or depression?

200 Days

I know I missed my 11 weeks post, obviously there's a lot of plates spinning right now. But I just realized that I have 200 days of pregnancy left. Wow, that sounds like a long time, doesn't it? But you know, it'll be gone in a wink.

Thankfully, my nausea has all but gone away. Food actually looks GOOD now, which in it's own right is scary. I'm determined not to blow it, weight-wise, like I did with Andrew's pregnancy. But last night, I just couldn't say no to the beef. McD's QPC went down so smooth, especially with that chocolate chip cookie chaser. Mmmmm! Maybe it's an iron thing, but suddenly the cow is king.

Our little blessing is the size of a large lime. Who knows how big a lime is? I mean, isn't it just a green lemon? Unless you're talking about key limes (mmm, key lime pie). Anyway. (S)he's bopping around in there, movin' and groovin'. All systems are functional, now they just need to get bigger. Boy parts/girl parts are becoming more distinguishable. We have a doctor's appointment today, and they'll probably try to hear the heartbeat on the Doppler, but I'm not holding my breath (too many layers down there to listen through).

Andrew commented to his dad that, with all that's going on with us financially, maybe having a baby brother isn't such a good idea. :)

Taking The First Step

Today was our appointment with the housing counselor.

The Reader's Digest version is that Yasar would have to make about double what he pays himself for us to realistically keep the house. We've pretty much been advised that bankruptcy is going to be our best option. Sure, it will drop a nuclear bomb on our credit ratings. But we were told there's not too much further down we can go than where we're currently at, FICO-wise.

The good news is we have a few more months in the house. I thought we'd have to be packed and out of the house in the next 3 weeks!

So, first thing, we're going to contact an arbitration board and try to work something out with our lender.

Then we need to consult with a lawyer for both the business and the personal finances. They're hopelessly intertwined, and we need to get some of this untangled before we make that appointment.

We're also going to be contacting someone to mentor us with our business, maybe they can direct us towards some of these new government programs that Obama has unrolled this past month.

This is going to suck. But Yasar and I are going to stick together. We've basically already faced the worst-case scenario, and we're prepared to stare it down together.

The New Face of Foreclosure

Well, it finally happened. Last week the sheriff showed up with out walking papers. Not that we're surprised, after not being able to make that oppressive mortgage payment for the last 6 months, we kind of knew this day was coming. We've set up an appointment with a counselor for next week, but there's really not alot of hope in saving the house (unless they can somehow figure out how to significantly drop our monthly payment).

But even more shocking to me is the number of people you run into every day who are going through this same situation! I had a meeting with a few other adults this past Monday, and started frankly discussing this, and every one of them could relate. People are losing jobs, or the luckier ones are just getting their hours cut back. Some are dealing with other very expensive issues and are being forced to make a choice between a roof over their heads and their children's well-being. Or medical care.

My question is this: all this TARP money that our fine government has chosen to give to these banks, what are the banks doing with it? What did the US government expect them to do with this money? Is that money ever going to show up and help the people who will eventually be responsible for repaying it? Will any of that TARP money help us stay in our home? I guess that remains to be seen.

You may ask why we don't try to put our house on the market. Well, I just don't see selling our house as a viable option at this time. We live in a development that still has open sites, and the new builder is building for cheaper than what we owe on this house. We had a realtor do a walk-through and give us a quote, and he said he had a 50% chance of selling, and that it would almost have to be a short-sale.

So are we just another casualty of this recession? Will the mortgage company work with us? Will we end up living in a tent city (or worse, the back room of the store)? We shall see...

10 Weeks Pregnant

My mom called yesterday, pretty concerned that she'd seen nothing new on the blog in a few days. :)

Last week, after my doctor's appointment, my OB sent me to the ER because of this stupid bronchitis. I'm feeling a billion times better now, since running through a course of antibiotics and a breathing treatment, but I still have a cranky cough and am still feeling VERY tired. Whether it's because of the pregnancy or illness, I have no idea.

This week the prevailing wisdom is that I can start telling everyone about the bun in my oven! My baby is almost fully functional, just in miniature. (S)he's about this size of a small plum, has little bitty toenails, and is covered in fur. (S)he's also starting to move about, though I'm still a few weeks from feeling it.

For me, the nausea is just starting to become noticeable. And I'm not positive that it's either the pregnancy or the end of the winter blahs. For those who have read A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, I'm thinking it's about time for a big sour pickle. Anyway, I'm feeling a little queasy in the mornings, and nothing looks particularly yummy for the rest of the day. Though we went out to Wendy's last week and got a Single with cheese, and the combination of mustard, onion, and lettuce was ambrosia! It seems the more caustic the food, the more appealing it is. And no, I've had no desire for ice cream with my pickles. Smarty pants.

Andrew's probably got a better grasp on the impending baby than Yasar and I do. He's starting to get a little more cuddly (that's a nice way of saying "clingy"). I'm anxious to see how this is all going to play out with him. We just keep reminding him how special he is, and that's he's going to have a very important job when the baby comes, that being his role as a big brother and positive role model.

So that's the state of the union. We're still here, just laying low. I'm hoping this nausea goes away as promised in a week or two. And I could really use a little boost of energy.

Oh, and I'm a quarter of the way through this pregnancy! Woo-hoo!

Post Doc Appt Update

I'd call everyone, but I'm still really sick and hacking and short of breath. Here's the latest:

Yes, we got the ultrasound today. Sorry, no pictures, but we got to see a heartbeat, and the baby looks very much like the picture from the last post. Absolutely beautiful. Do I need to tell you I cried?

The blood around the fetus (yes, it's a fetus now, having graduated this week from an embryo) is gone, however I'll be keeping with the progesterone suppositories until 14 weeks. Not much of a headache, I'm resigned to them by now.

I got raked over the coals for my pallor, and had some trouble explaining to the doctor that I'm not sleeping much lately because I can't lay flat for any length of time. I wish we had a La-Z-Boy or something, it'd be so much easier to rest. But I'm on low-dose antibiotics, so hopefully I can kick this cold/flu/whatever soon and get back to BED!

For some reason I'm being kept on a 2-week schedule with appointments. If they consider me high risk, they've certainly given me no indication why (aside from the obvious, age-weight-miscarriage history). They're also requesting my information from Andrew's delivery in Columbus. Again, I'm clueless as to why, but I'm not concerned about it.

All that, and the icing on the cake - I lost 4 lbs. God is so good!

9 Weeks

I can't believe we've made it this far. It's like I have to keep pinching myself and saying "this is real!". How long we'd wished for another baby, and those dreams have finally come true.

According to different sources, the baby is somewhere between the size of a medium green olive and my big toe. It doesn't weigh much, but that's about to change. It's moving independently, it's heart has completed development into 4 chambers, and it's resembling a human being more and more.

My uterus is supposed to be the size of a "small cantaloupe" now, but you'd never notice it for how fat I am. I have, however, deserted my jeans for the time being...Yasar and I went to Sam's Club this week, and being strapped into his car, with those jeans digging in across my navel, it's like I could feel something in there that wasn't quite normal. Almost hard. So from now on I'm going to stick to my yoga pants.

Weight-wise, this week has been an up-and-down roller coaster. If you're my friend on Facebook, you know we've been sick here. I've been struggling with achiness, congestion, coughing, and the fear that whatever I have is going to morph into a chest cold (I'm asthmatic, so that's a real and very scary proposition). Anyway, the last few days I've had trouble getting calories in. From what I've read, God created the baby to be able to weather the first trimester sickness, so I figure a few days won't hurt baby. I'm still addicted to my ice water, though, and have no trouble getting that down.

Yasar's rooting for a girl. Andrew wants a brother. At least someone will be happy!

We go back to see the doctor Tuesday. I'm really anxious to hear what he has to say about my progesterone levels, and am seriously hoping he does another ultrasound so maybe we can get a fetal heart rate (I'll finally be able to relax with that information in hand!).

Again, everyone, thanks for keeping us in your prayers. I completely credit you and God for keeping this baby where (s)he is. You're awesome!

Judge Mathis, You Maverick, You!

Do I have too much time on my hands? Tell me the truth, I can handle it....

Has it caught anyone else's attention the phenomenon of cross gender, cross ethnic baliffs on court shows these days? Think about it...

Judge Judy - white female. Bert - black male.
Judge David Young - white male. Baliff - black female.
Judge Milian (The People's Court) - white female. Douglas - black male.
Judge Joe Brown - black male. Sonia - white female.

And the list goes on. Does anyone else notice a pattern here? Only Judge Mathis bucks the mold, having a male (albeit white) baliff.

Or maybe I need to start paying attention to soap operas.

8 Weeks

Hooray! We've officially made it to 8 weeks! Thank you all so much for your prayers, I'm convinced they made all the difference!

Look at that sweet picture! About the size of a lima bean. You've come a long way in the last 6 weeks, my little miracle!

This week has been rough. The progesterone is unpleasant at best. It stings and itches, and it's putting me on a roller coaster of emotions. And the need for being on additional hormones has definitely interfered with my bonding with the baby. It's almost as if I'm holding back for fear that this will end badly. I understand that's normal, but it still doesn't make me feel good about this.

Cravings this week have been (again) for spicy minestrone soup, and canned goods (soup, beans, fruit cocktail). Also, could I be more textbook? Pickles, of course. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Still not feeling like eating chocolate or drinking coffee, and swiss cheese was not my friend. Macaroni and cheese, on the other hand.....

Afternoons can get a little rough. Sometime around noon or so, my energy just drains away. Andrew has been a real champ, sometimes even taking a long nap with me, snuggled up in my bed. He's all about helping mom right now, any way he can. I'm so blessed with my son!

Funny story - Andrew told me the other day how scared he was to have a baby when he grows up. I was so glad to waylay his fears and let him know that he'll never be required to push a baby out of his belly, but he'll probably be forced to watch it happen to his wife someday. Which is more painful? Remains to be seen.

We've got to get through this week, then early next week we'll be back to see the doctor. I'm anxious for that appointment - I've read that progesterone supplements can retain a pregnancy that by all rights should have failed (women getting their 20 week ultrasound only to find that the baby died at 16 weeks!). I want to see a heartbeat, complete with numbers.

So that's my update. Please continue to pray for us and our little lima bean!

Is It Love? Hate? Anger? Let Your Feelings Out About The Octo-Mom!

What is our fascination with this crazy woman in California? Everywhere I turn, the buzz is all about the octuplet mom. And that buzz is decidedly negative.

Are we most offended because her situation practically spits in the eye of the economic issues our country faces right now? And California, while probably one of the most liberal and therefore understanding of such a predicament, is certainly one of the hardest-hit states in the recession. So, to top off the mess that is Californian finances, here comes Nadya with her 8 preemie babies and their hospital bills estimating at 1.5 million dollars. And that's just the medical care they'll need until they go home - it's not even touching the cost of care at home, from formula and diapers to pediatricians and housing. The amount of money about to be funneled into Suleman's blessings promises to be staggering.

Word on the street about her ethnic background is her dad is Iraqi. Could this be part of our inherent dislike for her? Could we possibly be discriminating against her ethnicity? Or could her ethnicity help us to understand why she's made the choices she has?

Or are we disgusted with the way she's managed to work the system to her benefit with her other six children?

Is anyone else questioning why, since she's pro-life and dead-set against killing the embryos, she didn't take into consideration these babies' best interests and adopt them out to families who were more financially and mentally stable?

Why did Suleman decide to immediately retain a publicist? Could it be that she saw these children as being her ticket to fame? How wrong was she, expecting the American public to actually be sympathetic to her situation? Or interested enough to watch the latest TLC series starring her and her brood? I wonder if any network would pick up her story, or if they're terrified of the backlash. Only time will tell (but, for the record, any network that puts Suleman on the payroll will never be watched in our home).

On a program this morning, I was watching Nadya and her mother in semi-heated debate over how she'll care for these babies when they arrive home. She was saying she'd "have to" take the help offered. As of it's not the desired outcome. Not a hint of thankfulness anywhere. Some kind charity offered her a place to live, and round-the-clock nursing care, and it was clear by her attitude that this was not her grand scheme. How sad for these children, to fall victim to a mother's delusions.

I'm struggling not to look at Nadya negatively, and I'm failing all over the place. What about you? Do you have the ability to look at her with pity?