The Simple Woman's Daybook 6/22/10

Outside my window...a morning thunderstorm.  Rain.  The cool breeze is a blessing after a week of heat, humidity, and lack of a.c.

I am thinking...about friendship.  How to be a good friend, why people I considered friends turn out not to be true.

I am thankful for...the true friends that I have. 

I am wearing...my pj's. 

I am going...to work.  Today's my "long" day, open to p.m. rush.  But I'm grateful that I can do this for Yasar, so he gets a day off every week.

I am reading...In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan. 

I am hoping...yes, yes I am.  I won't put a name to it, but I still hope.

On my mind...Medicaid.  And the hoops they make you jump through to apply.

I am creating...not really anything at the moment.  Unless you count the garden.  I'm itching to start a new cross stitch, though.

I am hearing...rain outside, Andrew watching a movie, the fan.

Noticing that...(sigh) this house needs to be cleaned.  It's my Wednesday chore, so by Tuesday this place is looking pretty skeevy.

Around the house...homeschool curriculum that needs to be sorted and filed, a fish tank light that needs replacement (the whole light, not just the bulb), front flower beds needs tilling or mulch.

A few plans for the rest of the week...not really anything out of the ordinary. A few more hours than usual at the store to cover for someone who's out and as backup for customer appreciation special. 

Going Private

I am not a mean-spirited person, yet over and over I get portrayed that way.  And every time it happens, a little piece of my heart dies.

It's exhausting to defend my motivations constantly.

So that's why I went private.  Without going into it, someone took a post I wrote as an attack (which it was certainly not), and someone else out there in the vast internet is using my words to their own advantage.

I'm not sure where this is going to go.  I want to keep the blog going - it's been over 2 years, 500+ posts that contain so much of my memories, thoughts, and heartbreak.  Do I 86 it after all that?  Just keep it to myself?  Invite only exclusive people into my club?  I'm just not sure at this time.  As much as I love you, blog, you have taken up a life all your own.  You've gotten demanding, and are not afraid to throw out the guilt card if ignored for too long. 

But friends are asking....

Summer Fun, Ingenious Ways to Stay Cool, and Forget Me Not

Those Old Blues

Yesterday.

That same song I was singing on the way to the hospital.

On the same road I was driving.

I don't cry much anymore, but it was more than my little heart could take. 



On the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering...

I Couldn't Resist

I found this at the Strawberry Festival on Saturday.  It's wasn't really her name as much as the little blue forget-me-not flowers pressed onto the mat that had the tears rolling.  Those will always remind me of her, and seeing them together felt like a hug from my little girl.  

This past weekend has been really emotional.  I was honored to be asked by my friend Christine to accompany her to her ultrasound appointment.  As grateful as I was to be there, it was still hard.  I bit my tongue and sucked it up - it was an amazing moment for her, after 4 beautiful girls she's expecting a little boy, and the last thing I wanted to do was steal her joy.  So I think when I saw Leila's name at the fair, all those pent-up emotions just let loose.  Poor Christine, she didn't know what to do with me!

Surrender

I've come to terms with my infertility again.  I think.

My friend Christine and her four daughters stayed with us through the holiday weekend, waiting for the first of the month and her new rental house to be available.  I want you to read that last sentence with the most positive tone you can muster - I *loved* having my house full of friends and laughter.  The small size of our home only concentrated the fun.  And I'm so grateful to have my friend back, not only in Ohio, but practically in my backyard!  She broke my heart back in February when she moved her family to Arizona, so it almost feels like a miracle that she's here in Troy again. 

Christine has this adorable, sweet little one-year-old daughter, E.  This little girl goes from sobbing to smiling faster than you can blink.  She also goes from sitting quietly to in-the-dog-food-out-the-door-grabbing-the-chotchkes- that fast. 

Our pastor this past Sunday mentioned how women forget the pains of labor and delivery so quickly.  I commented to Christine that we forget much more than that.  We forget how hard it is to have a newborn, an infant, a toddler.  Chasing E. around (or maybe I should say watching Christine chase E. around) reminded me. 

I think I'm satisfied with my life.  Andrew is at a good age, he's stretching for more independence.  I don't have to hover over my child all the time anymore.

I think I'm to lazy old to do it again.  So God, I give up.  If it's Your plan to give me another baby, I'm down with it.  But I'm done actively pursuing getting pregnant.