I've finally found the perfect shelf for Leila's things.
It's a work in progress. More pictures on that to come.
Yasar and I were discussing the project, and he said how jealous Andrew is of me doing things like this.
I was absolutely gobsmacked! Andrew's jealous of what little I have of my daughter? His sister?
Yes, according to Yasar Andrew doesn't like the attention I give to Leila's memory.
Okay, I can understand the tattoo. That's not really fair to get inked with her name and not his. And I concede on that point. As much as I want to, I'm not going under the needle this summer.
But in regards to the shelf, her pictures, the precious few tangible memories I have, he's just going to have to suck it up.
Anyone else faced this problem? Or am I alone?
I can't say that I don't understand Andrew's sentiments. No matter how hard you try to preserve Leila'a memories, he is the son you have now. In your earlier posts you mentioned how your nightstand is filled with Leila's things. How do you think that will make him feel? I recommend the book "A Thousand Splendid Suns". There is this woman in the book who loses her son in the war. And she is so busy moruning his loss that she fails to notice her beautiful, blooming daughter. That's how you come out in the blog. And besides, if you hold her in your mind and heart each day, isn't that the best altar rather than a tattoo or a shelf?
ReplyDeleteHave you talked to ANDREW about this jealousy? Daddies don't tend to get the emotion correct unless it's specifically stated. So unless Andrew said flat out that he's jealous or upset about it, Yasar may be misunderstanding the emotion Andrew feels.
ReplyDeleteI say just talk to Andrew about it. Discuss with him his feelings over it and why he feels that way, and explain to him why you are doing what you are doing. He is young, so he may just not understand the full concept of death yet, and as he gets older he will understand. But allow him the chance to talk to you whenever he feels overshadowed by Leila's memory.
Aubrey was a year old when Logan died, and even now she is only two, so she has no clue...yet.
ReplyDeleteI don't have this problem...yet.
I am thankful in some aspects that Aubrey never knew of Logan, to not have to experience this loss. I can't imagine how a young child would process something so huge. BUT, being as Logan's angelversary is 3 days before Aubrey's birthday, and her FIRST birthday will forever be "tainted" (for lack of a better term) by his death, it has made me wonder how it will be in the future. Years from now when she's old enough to know that momma's bummed out each year right befroe her birthday. How fair is that to her? It's not. But, that's the way it happened and life isn't fair. I agree with Shannon, talk to Andrew. And then maybe give Andrew his own special spot too. A place for his picture and his accomplishments. A shelf just for him. Eventually, if he is jealous, it will fade. Kids are so fickle, but you don't want to cause any deep seeded resentment towards Leila on his behalf.
And I apologize but I have to comment on the first comment...this blog is for your loss on Leila. Its a safe place for you to do nothing but talk of Leila. This is not a family blog about Andrew or Yasir. You shouldn't have to feel like you need to give Andrew equal air time on your baby loss blog. And I highly doubt you are going through life not noticing your son. The worse of you loss will be the first year. Eventually you'll move things from your bedstand. Eventually you'll fill your life with more Andrew then Leila...because that's how mourning works. Andrew is young enough at this point to "get over" any jealousy he may experience and will probably not remember all of the extra attention Leila got in a few years. Its ok and NORMAL to be consumed with the death of a child for a while, a long while. That's why they always say to give yourself a year...then look to see where you are going. But I do think that a special place just for Andrew might help to stave off the jealousy. Hugs Em.
I can't say I understand because I don't have a living child, but trying to imagine a child that is young maybe having a hard time...like Shannon said maybe talk to him? *hugs*
ReplyDeleteLOL, can I just mention that, after a heart-to-heart with Andrew, he's more concerned with the fact that HE doesn't get to sleep next to Leila's ashes. We're negotiating a timeshare... :)
ReplyDeleteOh dear. I should not have come back to see what kinds of comments you were getting, because that anonymous comment up there just irritates the you-know-what out of me.
ReplyDeleteFortunately, I also read Heather's comment re:anon comment and I have decided to keep the rest of my feelings to myself, because she put it in a much more loving way than I would at this point.
Anonymous apparently has no soul let alone a heart. Anyway glad you talked to Andrew. Funny how sibling rivalry rears its head. I could see where there might be some jealousy, he's used to 100% of all your time before and at his young age it maybe hard for him to grasp. I lost my dad at age ten and was completely bewildered, even though I knew what death was. Talking to Andrew is your best bet, and reasuring him that there's room in your heart for both just like living brothers and sisters, mom divides her time between both, and I don't see why that can't be true in your case too. I think Yasar is just concerned as any parent should be that Andrew doesn't express all that he's feeling, but open communication is key and sounds like you are more than one step ahead of that. Locking Leila's momentos up is not teaching him to deal with the realities of life, but to lock his feelings away, and it is unfortunate that he has to learn at a young age, by I feel it has helped me cope life life and death better than those people I know who didn't face it till they were much older. I think I'm rambling here. i just think you are on the right road and doing a good job the best you know how. Good luck with the new place!
ReplyDeleteEveryone seems to read Anonymous' comment as harsh; I read it as endearing to Andrew.
ReplyDeleteIs the subject of this blog only Leila? I personally started reading Emily's blog back before she became pregnant with Leila and enjoy her blogs about finances, homeschooling, and her family. If this is going to turn into a solely baby loss blog, as Heather seems to think that it is, I know that I am going to be disappointed. But perhaps I am in the minority here.
Martha, you're correct. This is not a "loss blog", it's a blog about what's going on here, period. People who have been through a loss have a tendency to go on the offensive pretty quickly, just as people who have never suffered a loss don't seem to understand the gravity that a situation like that will have on your whole existence. When I first read Anon's comment, it upset me. Especially when (s)he called Leila's place an altar. So many BLM's have gravesites, how is what I have any different? But I'm grateful for his/her comment, because it opened some communication btwn Andrew and I that I didn't know needed to be opened. I want to very clearly say, Andrew is not neglected. He doesn't feel forgotten. He's dealing with this loss as well as I am and Yasar is. Now I know better how to guide him through this, thanks to Anon's comment.
ReplyDeleteBut I will say, I don't respect that the comment was made anonymously. Please, be man enough to put your name with your words. And, if you can't do that, then maybe what you're saying is best left unsaid.
Emily, thank you for the clarification. Keep on writing - I enjoy keeping up with you!
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I almost made my comment anonymously. When you see the immediate reaction of others to a comment that you now perceive to be helpful, can you blame him/her?
I don't pretend to understand what you're going through. I can't fathom your heartache. What I do know is that your readers are here because they care about you. While I can't speak to others' motivations, I can't imagine (perhaps naively) someone attacking you on your own blog.
I am the original Anonymous.
ReplyDeleteThank you Martha for understanding what I wanted to say.
Emily, I am glad you get my point. My intention was not to hurt, but to help you understand what Andrew might be feeling. Again, I do not know you personally and how you deal with Andrew everyday - everything is just based on what you write on this blog.
And as for being an anonymous commenter, I don't write a blog. So I figured it didn't matter if I used my name or not. But if it matters so much to you, I will use my first name to comment
Hey I'll chime in too! :)
ReplyDeleteI've never considered your blog solely as a loss blog b/c you share more of your life that just the loss of Leila. I'm glad you talked to Andrew and that you're negotiating time. ;)
These are things I don't have to deal with quite yet as Kyndra is only 2. She's starting to understand more and she recognizes her sister. As for my SD Hannah, I simply cannot say as she lives to far away and we only see her a couple times a year so maybe there is nothing to even think about then. I know I haven't been the best stepmom with losing Carleigh b/c I have clung so closely to Kyndra. I think I'm getting a little OT. lol
hmmm, don't know if jealousy is around here, guess I will have to ask tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteAs a BLM I can see how Jessica's comment is misconstrued, it sounds kind of preachy and self-righteous. All of us have been through the don't tell me how to feel cause you're not me stage, and really I guess we live that stage perpetually. I know too, most of us have done a post on what people say and the affect of words. It's not that Jessica isn't right to point out some of the things she did, it is just that it was said a little harshly by our standards. She talks about the way you come across in your blog as caring more for L than A, but that is her impression, not mine. I know from the past eight months that the way the world perceives life and the way BLMs perceive life are two very DIFFERENT things. And so the way someone says something who has never lost is very different than how we would say it because we know what hurts.
I know I am getting wordy, I guess what I am trying to say is conversations like this are good because it reminds us all to be more open to others and to explain ourselves more clearly. No one wants to hurt anyone else, but sometimes we have to know the other side before we can understand what should be said.
Will let you know what my boys say on the jealousy subject. I can tell you my husband is jealous some days, but he can just pull up his big boy pants and deal with it--she was his daughter too ;) Oh and I have 3 spots in my house, none very big but there, just like your shelf, just little reminders here and there and bookmarks in all of our bibles.
My blog (moved now to mybutterflybaby) has lost some of the comments you have left for me, I am hoping blogger finds them soon, but if it doesn't thanks for being a help and light to me, your comments have lent me strength over the past months