As the days tick down to Leila's birthday, it seems like all the grieving "progress" is going down the tubes.

I'm weepy. Always on the verge of tearing up. Oversensitive.

Is this normal?

The first line of "I Will Carry You" just echoes in my head.

"There were photographs I wanted to take..."

That photo of Leila at about 6 months old,

forehead to forehead with Yasar,

a little pink bow in her hair,

a look of adoration in his eyes.

I wanted to take that photograph so badly.

Usually it's hard to separate the sadness of infertility from the sadness of having a daughter in heaven.

That's not been the case lately.

I can SEE her in my mind. And I miss her so intensely.

God, please give my little girl a hug for me. Tell her how much I love her.


  1. He will & He does. And, yes, that IS normal. You are wrapping up that long, sad 1st year ~ the YEAR of Firsts. And now, in some small way, w/all those 'firsts w/out', you may find breathing & living a wee bit easier. I pray that you do. That's how it seemed for me - both after Jessica died & when my Daddy died suddenly.

    Love & blessings, Kim<><

  2. "'Is this normal?'" ABSOLUTELY.


  3. Of course it's normal! I'd like to say cheer up (though I know it's easier said than done). I'm sure Leila is doing well & wants you to be happy.

  4. {{{{hugs}}}} ~ and I think it is perfectly normal.

  5. It is completely normal, sending you ((HUGS)).

  6. Yes - this is very normal! The first year or two is the worst! HUGS

  7. I don't know if you believe in this sort of thing. I am not a Christian and I don't know how you might feel about this. Please don't be offended or be angry with. I read this and I was immediately reminded of you.



  8. hi emily!!! i will friend you on facebook tonight if i can figure out how. thank you so much for caring.

    anyway, it must be completely normal because i feel the exact SAME way! i have read that this was normal, babyloss friends online warned me about the first year anniversary and i *didn't believe them*! i'm so weepy and emotional. it' comes and goes but i feel horrible generally. exercise is helping me some with that. maybe it would help you too?


  9. All I can think of is in response to this is a line in the same song, "He loves you like this." We will never get it no matter how hard we try that God loves our babies more then we ever could. More then we have the power to. It seems unimaginable, but true. I am tearing up just saying this.

    I wish you could take those photos. Thinking of Leila with you. *hugs*

  10. It's totally normal. I was def way more weepy as we approached Carleigh's birthday.

  11. I felt the same way going thru that first birthday, I felt like I was back at day one. I kinda feel like the whole greiving process started all over again.