The Internet Can Be a Scary, Scary Place...

Today at work was a little dead.  The book I borrowed from the library just wasn't cutting it at holding my attentions.  All the prep for the day had been done.

So I break out Google on the crackberry and start reading about cervical polyps.

(note to self: never google medical conditions.  ever.)

Here's what I'm up against.  Minor outpatient surgery, along the same lines of a D&C.  1% chance of the polyp being malignant.  Quick recovery.

Best case scenario.

I'm nervous.  The ultrasound has been scheduled at the hospital for a week from tomorrow.  Dr. C. is looking for some specific things on that ultrasound, he's requested a detailed look at my ovaries and my uterus.  For my ovaries, I guess because of my infertility issues (despite my argument that I don't think we really want to be new parents again).  My uterus because it looked abnormal on his transvaginal u/s in the office, and because he saw some dark spots that may indicate some more polyps in my uterus. 

So, once my ears stopped ringing and I stopped sweating, I googled some more.  About polyps and how they affect fertility.

Here's the big news:  they don't.  They can act as almost an IUD and prevent implantation of the fertilized egg, but as far as I know I'm not dropping eggs to begin with.  Shoots that theory full of holes.

I'm trying to look at this surgery in a positive light - they may actually figure out what's wrong with me!  But on the other hand I just don't want to get my hopes up again.  This TTC spiral is just too emotionally sapping.  

And the icing on the cake, there  seems to be a flood of rainbow pregnancy announcements on Facebook lately.  And every one of them leaves me feeling a little more defective (while still rejoicing for those mommies and daddies, of course).

Will my day ever come?  Will I want it if/when it does?


  1. I feel like the only one in the world without a rainbow so I can relate ... A LOT.

    I am sorry that you are having medical issues but so glad that your doctor is pro-active and taking care of it.


  2. thank you for reading my story on faces of loss, and for commenting on my blog. i hate so much that either of us visited that site, and that we know the sting of loving children no longer here with us. HATE it. but I thank you for your kind words. it has been no small thing to have buried both of my children in less than a years time.

    i love the pictures you have posted of your Leila. she is precious. i'm glad you have them to look at and kiss all over. i find that having pictures of our boys is a blessing.

    i had a cervical polyp removed earlier this year, in April. When i was 6 weeks pregnant. it's really uncomfortable, and strange. you feel nothing, except extreme pressure and just weird...you can feel things, but it doesn't hurt. i was in and out in about an hour. i asked to see the polyp, it was huge and causing my cervix to open. it was disgusting, but i was curious. you will do fine. we will pray with you and for you.

  3. By the way, my friend Renae is also doing TTC and I am sure that you and she could be great support for each other.