Could It Be a Sign?

Next month we take some little pills to help us have a baby.

And I'm exploring other things to do to increase our chances. 

Like using Preseed.  I bought some last month to round out a drugstore.com order and get free shipping. 

But today I was reading some of the information on their website. 

And realized those little blue flowers along the header were...(sob)

Yes, they are. 

Angel, if it's you, and you're trying to tell me something,

Let me tell you.  I love you.  I miss you every minute of every day.

I want another baby.  But that baby will never replace you in my heart.

Why It's Different

Losing a child is an eye-opening experience.

Something I NEVER considered.  That babies sometimes die.  It's thrust front & center into your line of vision.  For some reason, maybe by your doing and maybe not, there's a litany of grief, pain, and tears of heartbroken mommies and daddies never far from your mind. 

Babies sometimes die.  That's a horrible, tragic reality for so many.

But so many of these people still have hope.  They've never struggled to get pregnant.  How wonderful it must be to know, when they're ready, they can try again.  And succeed. 

Leila was my miracle.  4 years in the making.  I'm at the cusp of losing my ability to conceive due to advanced maternal age.  

So I'm jealous of these families.  Yes, they have lost a baby.  And it's nothing to make light of.

But they have not lost hope. 

Jon & Kate, and How They Affect My Little Boy

I have never watched the Goss.elins and their highly publicized life on TV.  I've heard my family talk about them.  There's a fascination with them because we're from the same area and many of the places they visit are old haunts of ours. 

I've heard about their messy marital problems, but never really paid attention.

But now, since getting Net.flix and being able to stream the show, it's captured my attention.

And that's okay.  I'm a grown-up, I can process their "quirkiness" against a lifetime of experiences and morals.

But Andrew is also fascinated.  And last night it came to light why. 

He's jealous.

He wants siblings. 

He's asking why we can't do the same procedure they did.

Or why we can't go to the "donation center" and adopt a child.

Infertility is a FAMILY issue.  It's something that profoundly affects every single person in the family unit.  Not just the parents. 

How do I explain infertility to an almost-7 year old?  One who looks at a couple on TV and their miraculous delivery despite fertility problems?  How do I explain to him that those options aren't open to us?  That we couldn't afford IVF?  That adoption is out of our reach because of our financial collapse last year? 

I tell him to pray.  God listens to him.  And I told him about the doctor's appointment on Tuesday and the medicine we'll be talking about that might help me get pregnant.

My trusting child.  As soon as he heard "pills", he determined that we will be getting pregnant soon with the help of the medicine.

I pray that he's right.  My heart breaks to see him so disappointed.

The Endless Yammering in My Head

"Uncle!!!"

I'm done.  Paleo was great, but I just. cannot. stand. the. endless. carb. cravings. anymore. 

period.

So I'm going for the modified version. 

Light on the carbs.  But there will indeed be carbs.  Whole-grain carbs.

(whew).  I feel better already.

Abject denial in your diet leads to obsession.

(ya think?)

So, there it is.  Call me a failure if you want.  I'm off to a small bowl of oatmeal for breakfast.

Is it weird that I'm excited about oatmeal???

(one of) My Biggest Pet Peeve(s)

I have a very hard time with overweight children.  There, I said it. 

Maybe because I was one.  Because I was enabled to become "pretty plus", probably stemming from my mom's guilt at having to work 2nd shift throughout my childhood.  My grandparents, God love them, took it upon themselves to turn a "too skinny" 4-year-old into a fat 7-year-old. 

It's all too easy to recall how miserable my childhood was, once I'd made that metamorphosis.  The only real friend I had was a same-sized girl down the street.  I craved male attention in some unhealthy ways.  And my relationship with food has been way out of whack since.

Maybe that's why I struggle with overweight kids.  Maybe it reminds me of how I felt, that my parents didn't care enough.  I wonder if those children feel that way.  What kinds of demons are they feeding with their chips-and-twinkies habits. 

The majority of my friends have kids that are dealing with this issue.  Some are more accepting of this situation, which really burns me up.  When a friend tells me her (obese) 9-year-old has high cholesterol in the same conversational tone that she'd use commenting on the weather, oh, it's so hard to bite my tongue.  Another friend who has two children dealing with weight issues is more concerned about their health and self esteem, but seems almost reluctant to lay down guidelines lest she "exclude" her kids from family activities.  I understand that's a fine line to walk.  The last thing you want to do is shame a child into an eating disorder.  I wouldn't even know where to begin with that, except to keep all the junk off the grocery list. 

I am so very, very blessed to have a "too skinny" child.  I guard that obsessively.  More than anything, he shouldn't repeat my life.  I fret over his penchant for anything with HFCS, and I rejoice over his love for fresh vegetables. 

I'd just posted a FB status about the 25 Worst Kids Meals and how one restaurant actually has a 1/3 lb burger on the kid's menu.  And a friend commented back about how we have to lead by example.

At 225 lbs, what kind of example am I?  My son has watched me struggle with my weight his whole life.  Even if I ever got down to a healthy weight, it will be a struggle until my last day.  Is it better for him to see me working towards good health?  Or would it be better for him to have an example of acceptance instead of obsession?  That I'm happy the way I am.

There's little that's been hidden from him growing up.  He's been free to talk about my weight problem.  But a few weeks ago, he found a chink in my thick skin.  He came up to me and said, "mom, I'm going to love you forever, no matter what you look like."  It was a sweet moment, but do you see them veiled message?  He called me fat, and it hurt.

I don;t know if there's really a point to this post - it feels a little scattered.  Just my thoughts on a bunch of things.  What do you think?

The Anti-Rainbow Movement

Seriously, is EVERYBODY getting pregnant except me?

It feels that way.  One by one, my babyloss mamas, the people I leaned on for support since Leila died, I'm having to "hide" them on Facebook.  Because I have a serious case of sour grapes. 

I'm happy for them.  I am, really.  I just can't have their bubbly news slapping me in the face all the time. 

Once they have their babies, I'm good.  I can read about dirty diapers and spit-up and milestones all day. 

It's just that pregnancy is just too much for me.

DH says I need to get over it.  I agree.  Before Facebook gets too quiet. 

(sigh)

At church on Sunday, the pastor quoted the Bible.  "You have not because you ask not". 

So I'm asking begging, Lord, please.  Please...........