Tiny Toes

My beautiful little girl, I hope you know how much I miss you. I can't wait to see you again! I'm so glad that I know where you are, and that we'll be together someday. I love you with all my heart!

Just When I Think It's Getting Better

Just when I thought we were making it through this. Just when I thought God was blessing us with a shot of novocain to the heart. Just when I thought I could handle life going on.

We got Leila's pictures yesterday. The nurse who took them did a beautiful job, the pictures are just lovely. I'm so happy to have them, but they ripped the scab right off the wound on my gaping heart. Then Yasar, Andrew, and I went to the jewelry store. For some reason, I'm feeling this need to have something tangible of Leila with me at all times. So we bought a baby bootie charm and a necklace, and we're having it engraved with her name and birthday. And, somehow, that opened the floodgates. For both of us. It's painfully obvious we've both got such a long way to go.

I just keep thinking "Why, God?" That thought runs over and over in my head.

I have to laugh, someone in my last post told me what an inspiration I was. I couldn't be farther from that. The only part of this that inspires me is that I've never been angry at God, or blamed Him for Leila's death. I can only thank Him for her life. Please don't give me any credit, it's definitely undeserved.

Is it wrong that I'm also obsessing about getting pregnant again? I guess I doubt that it'll ever be a viable pregnancy. I'm no doctor, but after sifting through the wealth of knowledge on the internet, I'm pretty sure Leila's demise was the result of an incompetent cervix. The only real monkey wrench in that theory is that this didn't show up in Andrew's pregnancy. But, if that's the case, I have to wonder if I'm ever going to have the opportunity to add to this family. My husband won't come near me until we have the abnormal pap test results from the beginning of my pregnancy identified and remedied. If that remedy includes a biopsy, the risk of incompetent cervix increases. Couple that thought with the fact that we're on medicaid for the pregnancy, and I see my options dwindling. The US government isn't going to help me get pregnant and waste taxpayer's money. The only way I can see this working is to get pregnant and hope for the best. Hope that I can find a high risk OB who'll stitch me shut at 12 weeks.

Oh, and I'm 34. Not that many more shopping days until Christmas.

So I find myself not only greiving Leila, but also greiving the death of my dreams. My houseful of kids. Andrew having sibling(s).

Sorry for such a happy post.

Oh, and did I mention today's our 6th wedding anniversary? I said "happy anniversary" to Yasar, than burst into tears.

Another day in paradise.

Leila's Home

Today was a really good day. After dropping Andrew off at preschool, I hooked up the mp3 player and headed out for a walk. I thought it would be a serious time of introspection, but it ended up being an all-out praise and worship session. I can't be mad at God for Leila. He has blessed us so much with her, and with everyone's love and support right now. I can't even say I'm feeling sad. It's an awesome state to be in. We are so fortunate.

We picked up Leila's ashes from the funeral home today. It's so pathetic, seeing my daughter in a cheap plastic take-out carton. But all they had were these miniature urns to put her in, and she deserves better than that. We came home and ordered a beautiful porcelain box with an angel carrying a baby engraved on it. I can't wait for it to get here so we can finally see her home, settled, and where she belongs.

This evening Andrew and I took pizzas up to the hospital's labor & delivery department to thank the nurses and staff for their amazing care while we were there. Tears were flowing all around, and both the main nurses, Nikki and Darla, were saying that they had been praying for us. These women just touched me, that they see something like this so often, and are still so impacted by it. They'll remain in my prayers for such a long time.

We're headed out tonight, going to meet with some new and very special friends. My life is so full, my cup runneth over.

Love you, Leila. Can't wait to see you again!

Hollow

Empty. Diminished. Vacant. Depressed. Lost. Numb. So, so sad.

Our beautiful little Leila Mae was born Thursday night. She was barely 8 inches long, and tipped the scales at 7 ounces.

Our miracle baby is gone, and I'm struggling to understand why. Why she left us so soon. Why God allowed that to happen. Why God chose to give me something I gave up on asking for years ago when it became a never-ending fertility trap and I realized the pain I was causing myself, only to gift me so richly with her, and then snatch her away again. It seems so cruel. I'm trying not to be angry. I want to see the good in this - and there's so much to see. But at 4am, when the sleeping pills wear off and I'm left with my mind spinning and whirling and full of images from the hospital, it gets hard to go all Pollyanna on this particular tragedy.

SHE WAS MY DAUGHTER! I WAS SUPPOSED TO SCREAM AND CRY IN PAIN, PUSHING HER INTO THIS WORLD. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE UP ALL NIGHT WITH HER, FEEDING HER AND CHANGING HER WHILE DESPERATELY WISHING SHE WOULD JUST GO TO SLEEP! I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THOSE FIRST SMILES, AND TELL MYSELF THAT THE WHOLE "IT'S JUST GAS" THING IS A LOT OF HOOEY. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HER MOM!!!

Where do I go from here?

19 Weeks

This has been a hard last few weeks. There's been so much worry, due to the previa. I've been spotting for the last two days. The doctor's not too concerned, I wish I could say the same.

We had an appointment yesterday. It went pretty well, the doctor pulled up a picture of our little Mildred on the ultrasound. She's growing like a weed! Her bones are calcifying, and she's the size of a large tomato (consequently, one of Yasar's favorite foods). She's tipping the scales at half a pound, too. My big girl!

As for me, my weight is still pretty low. It's like my OB's office has a magic scale - it never seems to move for me, unlike the one in my bathroom. I've probably dropped a pound since last visit, which still puts me in the -8 lb from prepregnancy weight, when I should have gained between 8 and 14 lbs by now, according to the weight calculators out there on the web. Again, my doc's cucumber-cool about it, and she's the expert, right?

Mildred's also been making her presence known with her in-utero calesthenics. She's quite the dancer, and stretching her legs all the time. I don't feel kicks per se, but she gets those little heels against the side of my uterus and lays on the pressure! Some days she's more awake than others, but she pretty much makes her presence known daily. :)

Just keep praying that the placenta moves so the bleeding will stop.

Andrew's Teacher Project

This was Andrew's end-of-the-year gift to the school secretary (and his special friend), Miss Tanya. The flowers are pens, wrapped with floral tape. The green in the pot is tinted rice, our second batch, since the first went all over the floor (talk about an unholy mess!). He placed the designs on the pot, which were supposed to be butterflies, then became hearts, and finally just turned into blue blobbie things.

Miss Tanya loved her gift!

Pretty Toes

The boys bought me a gift certificate for a nail salon for Mother's Day....they did a great job! I've never had pretty toes before!

A New Goal

I told my husband yesterday that I wanted to eat the chest freezer empty. He doesn't think we can do it - I get my hoarding mentality, especially when it comes to food, from my mom.

We shall see.....

Facing My Demons

Yes, I'm still alive. Still upright and taking nourishment. Call it laying low, or hiding out, or just plain being lazy, but the blogging life has suffered as a result.

What's been going on? Well, I have someone who's a little too interested in my life right now, and has really no place to be. I've nipped it in the bud on Facebook, but I can't employ the same actions on the oh-so-public blog. I'm sooo tempted to pull this blog down, except it's been such a lifeline to me. I'd miss the writing, the responses, and the friends and enemies made along the way. I don't want to give this person that much control over my life. Why should everything change, just because someone is making me uneasy? I learned that from my friend Tricia, that you can never bow to the outside forces. You have to stay brave and persevere. Thanks, Pixie! You're awesome (but you already knew that).

The pregnancy's marching on. Some days it's harder, and I just want to cover my face and cry. But then I feel that little tumble in my belly. Or Andrew gives my tummy a goodnight kiss. Or I get to hold my friend's newborn daughter. And I realize how much I want this. I can't wait to see this little girl. Count her toes. Fall asleep with her on my chest. Experience being a new mommy again, exhaustion and all.

It was different with my pregnancy with Andrew. I was so self absorbed! It wasn't about the baby, it was all meMeME! What a new experience, to look forward to this new life, to see this pregnancy as a means to an end.

I've started exercising on a regular basis. We're so lucky to have a park here in own with a 1.8 mile walking track. I'm making it a habit to get out there while Andrew's in school and waddle my way around it (yes, waddle. it's started already.) Thank God for NPR Planet Money podcasts! And last night we all went for a bike ride. I'm happy to say that, while I'm still below my prepregnancy weight, I've gone up a little - it's a good thing. I was so weight-obsessed that my baby girl was starting to show the effects.

Please don't give up on me. I'm tired, and it seems that every time I power up the computer my head starts pounding.

And thanks for understanding....