Empty. Diminished. Vacant. Depressed. Lost. Numb. So, so sad.
Our beautiful little Leila Mae was born Thursday night. She was barely 8 inches long, and tipped the scales at 7 ounces.
Our miracle baby is gone, and I'm struggling to understand why. Why she left us so soon. Why God allowed that to happen. Why God chose to give me something I gave up on asking for years ago when it became a never-ending fertility trap and I realized the pain I was causing myself, only to gift me so richly with her, and then snatch her away again. It seems so cruel. I'm trying not to be angry. I want to see the good in this - and there's so much to see. But at 4am, when the sleeping pills wear off and I'm left with my mind spinning and whirling and full of images from the hospital, it gets hard to go all Pollyanna on this particular tragedy.
SHE WAS MY DAUGHTER! I WAS SUPPOSED TO SCREAM AND CRY IN PAIN, PUSHING HER INTO THIS WORLD. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE UP ALL NIGHT WITH HER, FEEDING HER AND CHANGING HER WHILE DESPERATELY WISHING SHE WOULD JUST GO TO SLEEP! I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THOSE FIRST SMILES, AND TELL MYSELF THAT THE WHOLE "IT'S JUST GAS" THING IS A LOT OF HOOEY. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HER MOM!!!
Where do I go from here?