5.24.2009

Hollow

Empty. Diminished. Vacant. Depressed. Lost. Numb. So, so sad.

Our beautiful little Leila Mae was born Thursday night. She was barely 8 inches long, and tipped the scales at 7 ounces.

Our miracle baby is gone, and I'm struggling to understand why. Why she left us so soon. Why God allowed that to happen. Why God chose to give me something I gave up on asking for years ago when it became a never-ending fertility trap and I realized the pain I was causing myself, only to gift me so richly with her, and then snatch her away again. It seems so cruel. I'm trying not to be angry. I want to see the good in this - and there's so much to see. But at 4am, when the sleeping pills wear off and I'm left with my mind spinning and whirling and full of images from the hospital, it gets hard to go all Pollyanna on this particular tragedy.

SHE WAS MY DAUGHTER! I WAS SUPPOSED TO SCREAM AND CRY IN PAIN, PUSHING HER INTO THIS WORLD. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE UP ALL NIGHT WITH HER, FEEDING HER AND CHANGING HER WHILE DESPERATELY WISHING SHE WOULD JUST GO TO SLEEP! I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THOSE FIRST SMILES, AND TELL MYSELF THAT THE WHOLE "IT'S JUST GAS" THING IS A LOT OF HOOEY. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HER MOM!!!

Where do I go from here?

8 comments:

  1. thats the worst thing to know. I am feeling very very bad bad for this. :(
    i dont know what to more to say. May God give you courage.

    You will be in my prayers. :(

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  2. Oh hunny, I cant imagine your pain, i really can't. You have become a wonderful bloggie buddy, and I hope your family can get through this. I will be praying for you, I am horrible at situations like this, but I am here for you.

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  3. Emily,
    I am so so sorry for the loss of you baby girl. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
    Take care,
    Julie

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  4. I am so very very sorry. I know there is nothing I can say to ease the pain. So we are praying for you.

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  5. Emily,
    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Nothing I can say can even come close to ease your pain, but know that I am thinking about you and your family.
    Kelly

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  6. I'm so sorry your precious Leila died. There aren't enough hugs in the world to make this better. But here's one anyhow. (((HUGS)))

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  7. hi, this is christy, (Leila's mommy). i started reading your blog and it's astonishing how many similarities there are in our stories. the only big difference is our religious views. it was so surreal to keep reading Leila's name in your story that is so close to mine. i'm so sorry for the loss of your dear sweet Leila. i wish we both had our Leilas in our arms right now.
    much love,
    christy

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