Just When I Think It's Getting Better

Just when I thought we were making it through this. Just when I thought God was blessing us with a shot of novocain to the heart. Just when I thought I could handle life going on.

We got Leila's pictures yesterday. The nurse who took them did a beautiful job, the pictures are just lovely. I'm so happy to have them, but they ripped the scab right off the wound on my gaping heart. Then Yasar, Andrew, and I went to the jewelry store. For some reason, I'm feeling this need to have something tangible of Leila with me at all times. So we bought a baby bootie charm and a necklace, and we're having it engraved with her name and birthday. And, somehow, that opened the floodgates. For both of us. It's painfully obvious we've both got such a long way to go.

I just keep thinking "Why, God?" That thought runs over and over in my head.

I have to laugh, someone in my last post told me what an inspiration I was. I couldn't be farther from that. The only part of this that inspires me is that I've never been angry at God, or blamed Him for Leila's death. I can only thank Him for her life. Please don't give me any credit, it's definitely undeserved.

Is it wrong that I'm also obsessing about getting pregnant again? I guess I doubt that it'll ever be a viable pregnancy. I'm no doctor, but after sifting through the wealth of knowledge on the internet, I'm pretty sure Leila's demise was the result of an incompetent cervix. The only real monkey wrench in that theory is that this didn't show up in Andrew's pregnancy. But, if that's the case, I have to wonder if I'm ever going to have the opportunity to add to this family. My husband won't come near me until we have the abnormal pap test results from the beginning of my pregnancy identified and remedied. If that remedy includes a biopsy, the risk of incompetent cervix increases. Couple that thought with the fact that we're on medicaid for the pregnancy, and I see my options dwindling. The US government isn't going to help me get pregnant and waste taxpayer's money. The only way I can see this working is to get pregnant and hope for the best. Hope that I can find a high risk OB who'll stitch me shut at 12 weeks.

Oh, and I'm 34. Not that many more shopping days until Christmas.

So I find myself not only greiving Leila, but also greiving the death of my dreams. My houseful of kids. Andrew having sibling(s).

Sorry for such a happy post.

Oh, and did I mention today's our 6th wedding anniversary? I said "happy anniversary" to Yasar, than burst into tears.

Another day in paradise.