A Brand New Year

It's as if I was holding my breath, waiting for that ticker to roll over.

And, now that it has, I feel different. Unencumbered.  Lighter.  No longer weepy and morose.

Either the beginning of May has been especially hard,

or, (dare I say it?) the hard grieving is over.

I've googled about grief release after that first anniversary.  It's real, many people experience it.  Even Stephanie seems to have caught a little of it. 

The litmus test will be church on Sunday.  Do you think I can get through a whole service without crying in the bathroom?

Why do I feel bad about not feeling bad anymore?  It's not as if I've forgotten her.  She's sewed into the fabric of my heart.

Maybe last year was about looking back, but this year is about looking forward.


  1. I felt the same way. IT was such a relief to finally be able to say "I am better now than I was a year ago"!!!

    The grief still comes back but it's not as tough as navigating through all of the firsts.


  2. That is a great way to look at it...now you are looking forward. After that 1st anniversary of Jessica's death, I felt that I had turned a corner, too. All the 'firsts' were over. I always try to think about where she is & Who she's with...she wouldn't want me to grieve 'forever.' Yes...even after 24 yrs there's always something, at some time or other, that gets me a little weepy concerning her, but SHE is w/the Lord & that is a blessing to me.

    Blessings, Kim<><

  3. The first year is the hardest, and then it does get better. For me certain parts of the year are harder than others. That first year and first anniversary were the hardest.

  4. I'm happy for you. You should not feel bad about not feeling bad. I'm not saying to stop thinking about her, she'll always be a part of your life, but you need to look to the future and move on. When you are happy, people around you will feel happier as well.

  5. I so agree. After passing 1 yr I have felt much better.

    Something in my new post for you & Leila.

  6. I, too, found it to be true about the first year. I think it's because it's the first time you go through all of the milestones and the what could've beens. I felt able to move on after the first year. So glad to hear that things seem to be easier.

  7. I'm new to Troy and new to this blog. I've spent two hours reading and weeping. Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts. Though I haven't shared the same tragedy, I've been dealing some faith shaking events myself. I'm amazed at the similar highs and lows -- moments of anger with God tempered with immense gratitude. Tonight was another difficult night and reading this blog reminded me that I am not alone. Furthermore, I'm so happy to read that you have reached a milestone -- looking forward. I lost my mother as a very young child -- thirty years later I'm still caught off guard with the things that bring me to tears. You'll never forget -- but these moments pass. Thank you for sharing -- I will be praying for your family.