Every Wednesday was McDonald's night. Dollar Happy Meals. Crafts for the kids. We moms got to get together every week and hang out while the kids played in the Playland. We'd stay for hours some summer nights. It was a social event I never missed.

Then we lost Leila.

I tried to go back to McD's. I really did. The one time I made it, it was so hard. These women who I'd spent so much time with, cracking jokes, comparing kids, making plans...well, things had changed.

I had changed.

Christy was posting about how our friendships change after a loss like that. She got the wheels turning.

Someone I would have called a "best friend" hurt me very badly after Leila died. She was at McD's on a Wednesday night, dissecting me to another person I didn't really like. Talking about how I should be over it by now. Questioning why I was in such a hurry to get pregnant again. Another friend had overheard her, and was so uncomfortable with the conversation that she had to leave.

What do you do when your best friend gossips about you? Feeding off your pain?

Will your reaction change when I tell you she also suffered a 5-month pregnancy loss? That, of all my friends, she was the only one with intimate knowledge of what I was going through?

When Leila died, I got a card from her that said "you know where to find me when you need me."

But, for that one friend I lost, my other friends got closer. They pulled in tighter. They got me out of the house. They dropped by with groceries. They helped, and continue to help me heal. They are all blessings from God.

And, in losing Leila, I've made new friends. Amazing women. Women I thank God for bringing into my life. I can never express how much these new friends mean to me. Without them, this grief process would be so much more difficult.

I still interact with that lost friend. Heck, she's my husband's assistant manager at the store. I still talk to her, we occasionally chat on the phone. But conversation is stilted. And very surface. I don't really know what's going on in her life anymore.

She was the first to come to mind when reading Christy's post about how our friendships evolve. Trisha has also talked about changes in family relationships after losing her little Nate. I've got some posting to do on that, but we'll save it for another time.


  1. god gives you the people you need in your life, not always the people you want. He reaveals the truth to us even though it may hurt at the time it is for the good. I'm glad you have new more supportive friends, but sorry for those akward moments you must spend with friends lost. Take care. Thinking of you lots and hoping things are looking up more each day for you.

  2. Emily - I too have lost friends whom I thought were very close.... it's funny how it's the one's you least expect to step up to the plate do, and the ones you expect to be there no matter what, just aren't. I'm sorry you had such a crappy experience. I keep telling myself that I'm glad I found out their "true" colours... who needs it.

    Love to you

  3. I'm sorry your best friend did that to you. I could never imagine talking about my best friend like that. That had to hurt so much. :(

    I am glad other friends have stepped in and taken care of you.

  4. I read this post and I cried! I just lost my best friend of 7 years for the same exact reason. She gossiped about me and said that I was holding on to a bunch of gulp (lol, our situation-yours and mine was different) "tissue" and that I was never pregnant for that long but I use my miscarriages to get attention. Needless to say I cut all ties last night. Simply put, I would have slaped the bitch silly if I ever saw her and ending communication was the best thing for her and me (I don't want to end up in jail). I'm so sorry your friend let you down but like you, I have gained new friendships and learned who my TRUE/REAL friends are!


  5. Did you ever confront this friend? I certainly would...

    But, its the people that we think should know our pain the most that normally let us down. My MIL for instance lost a baby at birth and she has treated me less sympathically than I thought she would have~ she didn't come to Lily's memorial service, she didn't send a card, and told us 2 weeks after Lily died that people are going to get tired of hearing us talk about Lily so much.

    People handle grief differently but some relationships are bound to change when you become a different person...and, how can you not when you lose someone that you love more than yourself?

  6. I am sad that your best friend even with her 'inside knowledge' did not step up to the plate when you needed her the most. Maybe her gossiping about you allowed her to distract herself and others from what she was going through. I'm glad that others have surrounded you, supported you and proved their friendship. I have just posted about one of my 'best friends' (who I thought was like a sister) that has started to show signs she may be one of the friends that drift after an experience like this. It's very sad to lose them but at the same time we need to have people in our lives that can love and support us - warts, dead babies, and all.

  7. I just hate that you and other have to experience what I have. But I have to admit that I find it comforting. It helps to know that I'm not the only one. It helps to know that I'm not some horrible person that deserves this. It helps to know that this is how many in our society deal with tragedy -- they walk away.

    I'm so sorry. I feel your pain. I am glad that you have others holding your hand. I have 1 from before Nate but have added a handful in the last year -- praise God!!!


  8. It has been my experience that those who have suffered such a loss themselves and still criticize you after suffering your own are those who haven't fully come to terms with their own loss, and are in reality criticizing THEMSELVES for not being over it more than they are criticizing YOU for not being over it.

    It doesn't make the words any less hurtful, of course, it's just something I have to remind myself when someone I know who has suffered child loss says something like that to/about me.

    Of course, I am also a very sarcastic, snide person in some circumstances, and I have been known to make some sort of off-hand remark to the person, which often can be seen in my blogs.