This past week has been a sad one. Lots of tears, more anger than I want to admit. But in the interest of full disclosure, I'm mad at God. Disgusted with Him right now. He's failed me. Left me with this broken heart instead of the precious child I expected.
A friend dropped off a book for me.
Safe In the Arms of God.
At first I scoffed. I've never questioned where Leila is today. My pain has never been about that question. It's been completely selfish.
I hurt. How do I deal with that?
Halfway through the book, it started to make sense.
I should be rejoicing that Leila will never experience a moment of disappointment. A tiny bit of pain. A fraction of anger.
I should be ecstatic that she's whole. Perfect. Mature. In God's Presence.
Cherished in heaven, far more than she could ever have been here on earth.
Then the pastor's sermon today, about rejoicing through grief.
The beauty of being a child of God, knowing our pain is temporary. Someday it will be gone, never to return. Being reminded that God may be using my grief as a teaching tool, honing me for some purpose. Causing me to rely completely on Him. Refocusing me.
And the clincher. K-Love's Encouraging Word for today:
Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, NLT
Clearly He's trying to get through to me.
I've had more peace today than in the last few weeks.
I just pray it continues.