This past week has been a sad one. Lots of tears, more anger than I want to admit. But in the interest of full disclosure, I'm mad at God. Disgusted with Him right now. He's failed me. Left me with this broken heart instead of the precious child I expected.
A friend dropped off a book for me.
Safe In the Arms of God.
At first I scoffed. I've never questioned where Leila is today. My pain has never been about that question. It's been completely selfish.
I hurt. How do I deal with that?
Halfway through the book, it started to make sense.
I should be rejoicing that Leila will never experience a moment of disappointment. A tiny bit of pain. A fraction of anger.
I should be ecstatic that she's whole. Perfect. Mature. In God's Presence.
Cherished in heaven, far more than she could ever have been here on earth.
Then the pastor's sermon today, about rejoicing through grief.
The beauty of being a child of God, knowing our pain is temporary. Someday it will be gone, never to return. Being reminded that God may be using my grief as a teaching tool, honing me for some purpose. Causing me to rely completely on Him. Refocusing me.
And the clincher. K-Love's Encouraging Word for today:
Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, NLT
Clearly He's trying to get through to me.
I've had more peace today than in the last few weeks.
I just pray it continues.
I will pray that you continue to find comfort through God.
ReplyDeleteSometimes peace is something you have to actively search for, not something that just comes to you. And in circumstances such as this, it may be something you have to pray about and search for first thing in the morning. And even though you now realize these things, there will still be days it makes you angry that she isn't here with you. You just have to keep reminding yourself of these things and continue to talk to God and ask for peace and guidance.
ReplyDelete(((((hugs)))))
We received that book too. Right after Nate died. My husband REALLY liked it. It helped him a lot. It helped me too but I was such a mess at the time that I should probably read it again.
ReplyDeleteAND my pastor shared the exact same verse this morning!!!!!! God keeps giving me Phil 4:4 - Rejoice in the Lord, always. But the verse today is along the same lines. So close in fact that I thought that it was Phil and had to re-read it.
It's nice that you are feeling comfort. I am too. I'm still holding your hand as we walk down this awful path.
Hugs,
Trisha
I've read that book. I enjoyed reading it and so many parts made sense. I am able to see how truly blessed Carleigh is for never having to experience the pain of this world. She only knows the wonders of Heaven. That is amazing.
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