Sorry if that shocks you, reader. But that's just how I'm feeling today.
I was really praying HARD for this month to be "the month".
You see, our house is up for Sheriff's Sale 2/24. Which means we're probably going to be moving 3/1-ish.
I still have all the stuff I bought for Leila in the spare bedroom.
I got pregnant this time last year, so I really wanted to get pregnant NOW so that I could still use that stuff.
We're moving into a smaller place, so I either needed to NEED that stuff or get rid of it.
And, since Aunt Flo arrived today, I guess I'll be donating it.
God, I can't even fathom why you chose to put me through this.
IT'S SO F-ING UNFAIR!!!
Before that positive pregnancy test last year, I was *happy* with just one child. I had resigned myself to infertility and accepted my lot.
Then You throw this curve ball at me. And let me fall in love with the idea of being a mommy again.
Let me get past the dreaded 14-week mark, so I could breathe a sigh of relief and feel safe.
Let me find out I'm expecting a daughter, the little dark-haired girl I'd always dreamed of.
Let my husband and son get all excited.
And then You yanked her away from us.
And now, 7 months later, I'm back to struggling through infertility again.
I don't know what I did to piss You off so badly, to make you want to punish me like this!
I NEVER ask You for anything! We're losing our house, we've got no income to speak of! We're still struggling to keep our business afloat! Yet, through all that, I've NEVER asked You for help!
I ask You for one little thing, the thing that so many women take for granted. And You shut me down.
Pardon me if I'm not the president of Your fan club right now.
I'm not turning away from You - I'm just going to take a little hiatus tonight.
Can't begin to fathom your distress and pain. Just know we are all here for you, even god, even if you are mad at him. It's Okay to feel this way and normal. I think you'd be odd if you weren't angry. But we all still love you, even god. Go head and have a good crying fit.
ReplyDeleteCertainly isn't shocking to me. Took me almost a year to get to the point where I didn't feel that way. I still get angry towards Him, just not THAT angry. though I do still have moments I yell at him....just no cursing or screaming anymore. But it HAS been over a year for me. These things take time.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your pain. It is normal to be angry. God still knows you love Him. You make that clear on your blog all the time. Is there any way you can keep her little clothes you may have bought for her? I wish I had saved everything from my baby Meredith - the appointment cards, the maternity clothes, everything.I don't have much from her lifetime, so I wish I had saved even the most insignificant scrap.You have gone through so much loss - I have you in my thoughts and prayers. Email if you need to.
ReplyDeleteSarita Boyette
sboyette@tx.rr.com
You have many reasons to feel angry. I'm so sorry this wasn't the month. Thinking of you and sending you love.
ReplyDeleteoh Emily, *huge hugs* I know this pain all too well. I am so sorry...I didn't know you were trying again. I need to take my break from being happy with God some days as well.
ReplyDeleteI will ask God to be extra gentle with you during this time.
I'm sorry Emily that this month wasn't it. It isn't fair!! I didn't even get AF this month. She just kinda skipped me (unless she's really late!). Not sure what's up with that.
ReplyDelete