This journey is unlike anything I've ever imagined myself walking.

I have moments when I'm so angry with God I can't even see straight.

It's impossible to fathom why He chose this route for my life.

And I'm only human. Created in His image, yes. But still prone to falling. To self-centeredness. To thinking I could do this better than Him, given the chance.

But I lack His all-encompassing vision to see the broader picture.

I went to bed last night with a heavy, heavy heart. And, despite my rant, I still found myself praying.

Not apologizing. He understands my pain. Even feels it Himself.

But praying for my new friends, walking this same road with me. Praying for my husband and my son. Thanking God for what I have instead of focusing on the opposite.

Yes, I did behave like a child last night, ranting on the blog. And don't you know that image of a child having a temper tantrum was in my head all day long? Me, throwing myself to the ground, kicking and screaming, while my Father looked on, feeling my pain but knowing He couldn't give me what I wanted because it wasn't best for me. Oh, yes, it was.

I'm not going to pull down last night's post. I'm human, and struggling my way through this. I'm not a saint. I could sit there and pull the pious face and never let you know the turmoil underneath.

It would even be easier than letting you see what's truly inside.


  1. You're right. You are human and you are broken. I am 10 months out and pregnant and I still have many temper tantrums and feel forgotten about. I'm just glad I don't have to go through this alone. Thank you for your support. I hope you feel our love too! xxxx

  2. I read last nights post after reading this one to catch up and I think that what you were feeling is competely normal. I still have my moments of weakness and anger too. I know that God accepts and yes like you said even feels our pain with us. We all need to just vent sometimes and Im so glad that you shared it. I have been where you are. I didnt talk to
    God for at least a month after loosing Bryston untill I realized that it wasnt his fault and that he didnt do this to me. Well anyways, I just wanted to share that and let you know that Im thinking of you. *HUGS*

  3. You are ok and yes, you are human. You are allowed to feel hurt and upset. I am thinking of you and sending you huge hugs.

  4. emily, i shed a few tears for you today and said a prayer for you too...i love you girl! this is a tough journey...you put my thoughts to words because we all struggle with feelings like that in our walk with the Lord...and you are not alone. love - casey

  5. Life is always one step after the other. And you are at a tough, tough spot. May all of your friends and all of your angels (and sometimes they are one and the same) give you strength and help you along the way. I like that you are leaving the rant up; it too is part of the journey. Wishing you courage!

  6. I think this is a completely normal thing. Just last Sunday I was in the "it's not fair!" attitude while sitting in church! I was feeling quite sorry for myself.

  7. Emily-

    It's when we wrestle with God that our relationship grows stronger. Don't worry. God is big enough and strong enough to handle anything!

    Sorry for the disappointment. I'm feeling your pain - literally!


  8. You're human, I'm human, and I dare say that I think most women whom have experienced loss such as ours have felt the same way, even if they don't admit it.....