Looking Forward, Looking Back

Now, I'm an old lady. On the cusp of the dreaded 35 (6 more days! Eeek!). So no, I did not stay up last night to watch a lighted ball lowered in NYC. I was in bed, dreaming the dreams Nyquil provides (yeah, I'm sick, too).

But before bed I had an interesting reaction to the new year. One would think, after as crappy as this year has been, I'd be all too happy to put this sucker to rest and start anew, right?


I had a mini-anxiety attack last night.

2009 was a shit year,

but it was the year I held my daughter.

I wasn't ready to let that go yet.

I feel like I've been pushed into the next year.


2009 will always be the year that I held Leila.

In my belly. In my arms.

Going forward into 2010, I can only hold her in my heart.


  1. Emily, I know exactly what you mean. I feel this way too. Time is moving on, but I want to go back to the time when Sydney was alive.

  2. A lesson I've learned along the way: Don't reget your age. I SO dreaded turning 30. Nearly cried. But, you know what? I LOVED turning 40!! Loved it. Don't know why, except that MAYBE, as life moves on we hear about ppl we went to high school with, or young friends/relatives who die young from illness or accident & I have come to appreciate my age. My girls still had me to raise, nurture & educate them. Also, I will be 51 in March - which TOTALLY astounds me! Not that I dread it, I just can't believe it! lol Other than a few minor aches & pains now & then, I feel like I should be about 35-37-ish.

    But you know what? I have LIVED! I have EXPERIENCED. Good AND bad. When Jessica died, I wrote II Cor. 1:3-4 in all of the Thank You notes & it has come to pass in my life that I have been able to help ppl w/the same help & grace that God gave me. You've benefitted from that [I hope '-)], & YOU will be a benefit to others in the same way...you already are in your blog! It's also a Titus 2-thing...mentoring through the seasons & experiences of life.

    I also know what you mean about losing the year. In my case, it was our 1st house when we moved out of it. It was such a sweet little house, but it was in a bad part of Dayton, we were about to start homeschooling [Dayton schools HATE homeschoolers!] & we knew it was not a good thing to be there anymore. But moving day nearly took my breath away - THAT house is the ONLY house where all THREE of our girls ever lived. We can never say that about any other house. Even though Jessica died there, she also LIVED her short, sweet 12-1/2 weeks there...& that's where we lived when we had the other 2 girls. I felt that I was losing a part of my relationship, my connection, w/Jessica the day we moved.

    But the Lord IS good, Emily! He walks w/us & carries us when we falter. We live in a fallen, crappy world, & He knows it. But He's there. I love Him for that.

    Blessings, Kim<><

  3. 2009 will always be such a bittersweet year for so many of us. *huge hugs*

  4. Most years I am asleep when the ball drops but this year I managed to stay awake. Hubby was switching between football and the ball.