Human

This journey is unlike anything I've ever imagined myself walking.

I have moments when I'm so angry with God I can't even see straight.

It's impossible to fathom why He chose this route for my life.

And I'm only human. Created in His image, yes. But still prone to falling. To self-centeredness. To thinking I could do this better than Him, given the chance.

But I lack His all-encompassing vision to see the broader picture.

I went to bed last night with a heavy, heavy heart. And, despite my rant, I still found myself praying.

Not apologizing. He understands my pain. Even feels it Himself.

But praying for my new friends, walking this same road with me. Praying for my husband and my son. Thanking God for what I have instead of focusing on the opposite.

Yes, I did behave like a child last night, ranting on the blog. And don't you know that image of a child having a temper tantrum was in my head all day long? Me, throwing myself to the ground, kicking and screaming, while my Father looked on, feeling my pain but knowing He couldn't give me what I wanted because it wasn't best for me. Oh, yes, it was.

I'm not going to pull down last night's post. I'm human, and struggling my way through this. I'm not a saint. I could sit there and pull the pious face and never let you know the turmoil underneath.

It would even be easier than letting you see what's truly inside.

God? You suck!

Sorry if that shocks you, reader. But that's just how I'm feeling today.

I was really praying HARD for this month to be "the month".

You see, our house is up for Sheriff's Sale 2/24. Which means we're probably going to be moving 3/1-ish.

I still have all the stuff I bought for Leila in the spare bedroom.

I got pregnant this time last year, so I really wanted to get pregnant NOW so that I could still use that stuff.

We're moving into a smaller place, so I either needed to NEED that stuff or get rid of it.

And, since Aunt Flo arrived today, I guess I'll be donating it.

God, I can't even fathom why you chose to put me through this.

IT'S SO F-ING UNFAIR!!!

Before that positive pregnancy test last year, I was *happy* with just one child. I had resigned myself to infertility and accepted my lot.

Then You throw this curve ball at me. And let me fall in love with the idea of being a mommy again.

Let me get past the dreaded 14-week mark, so I could breathe a sigh of relief and feel safe.

Let me find out I'm expecting a daughter, the little dark-haired girl I'd always dreamed of.

Let my husband and son get all excited.

And then You yanked her away from us.

And now, 7 months later, I'm back to struggling through infertility again.

I don't know what I did to piss You off so badly, to make you want to punish me like this!

I NEVER ask You for anything! We're losing our house, we've got no income to speak of! We're still struggling to keep our business afloat! Yet, through all that, I've NEVER asked You for help!

I ask You for one little thing, the thing that so many women take for granted. And You shut me down.

Pardon me if I'm not the president of Your fan club right now.

I'm not turning away from You - I'm just going to take a little hiatus tonight.

Week 3 - 1/16/10

(I know you love my socks!)

Yay or "Neigh"? Meh. I'm not giving myself a yay OR a "neigh" because of basic female physiology, and how our bodies have a tendency to retain water just before "that time". And, combined with the cravings that also accompany "that time" (including my complete inability to stop inhaling my husband's creamy Cajun chicken pasta last night), I think a > 1 lb. gain is pretty okay. So my weight is down from 230.8, for a weekly loss of .2 lbs and a total loss of 5.6 lbs. IMHO, any loss on a week such as this is cause for celebration! And my BMI is still at 37.2.

Sorry about the blur - Andrew's photo chops are still developing. That's me holding a 5 lb bag of sugar, an 8 oz box of cream cheese (very plentiful in my fridge!) and 2 tbsp of butter.

Lessons Learned: Just that this is going to be a long, long road. Perseverance and commitment are the qualities that are going to get me through this. So my mentality is more tortoise than hare. Plod. Plod. Plod.

Goals Achieved? Remember back here when a I made a mini-goal of how long it would take Yasar to make a comment? Marked the date - 1/10/10, Yasar hugged me from the back and said I looked skinnier! Yay!

Goals Made? Still my same old goals - new pants size by Feb 1. To keep going on the Wii Fit Plus for 35+ minutes a day. Which has been an easy ongoing goal...I keep mixing up routines and doing a new game every few days just too keep myself interested. I'm stoked to announce that this was the week I completed the Island Cycling Expert level! W00t!

My best moment of the week: There were a few. First, that feeling of sinking into your bed, muscles tired from exercise, and sleeping the sleep of the just. And that uncoached compliment from Yasar. And completing the Island Cycling bit. And when Sakai chose to buy my cheesecakes. Heck, yeah, it's been a great week!

My worst moment of the week? When Andrew stood in the middle of Walmart and trumpeted "Mom! You need to get this Alli stuff to lose weight!" at TOP volume. I love my kid, but I never wished for a roll of duct tape so badly in my life!

Lifting You Up

So many of you are scared right now.

Or sad.

A few of you have a new glimmer of hope, and a whole new laundry list of worries.

One of you has been given your gift, but your laundry list is still there, just in a different way.

Some are still nursing a broken heart.

Raising your voices to God and asking "why me?"

Some are still brokenhearted, but accepting of God's Plan.

A few are walking this journey without God's comfort.

Please know that I lift you up to the Lord by name daily.

And it's so nice to be able to say, "Lord, please be with ______ today. I don't know what she needs right now, but I love that You are very aware of what that need is, and You can provide it. Please be with her, and hold her through this."

He loves us, Oh how He loves us!

Sending all my sisters so much love and prayers....

Cottage Industry Part 2

Ahhh, cheesecakes.



No dessert can gain you notoriety so quickly.



As Alton Brown put it in one of his cookbooks, "someone who can make a cheesecake well can walk into a room with his head held high."



My head is scraping the 8' ceilings right now, and almost too big to fit through the doorways!



I blogged about what kept me busy over the winter holidays. And I was indeed busy.



In that 6-week period, I made sold almost 100 cheesecakes for friends.



When you consider I can make 3 a day, you can see that it was an every-morning-at-5am endeavor.



I also had the pleasure of creating some new recipes.



My two pride-and-joys are the Vanilla Chai cheesecake (Tea-infused cheesecake with notes of cardamom, cloves, cinnamon, and ginger poised on a vanilla cardamom cookie crust) and the Chocolate Cow cheesecake (A homemade brownie layered with Kahlua-spiked cheesecake and topped with rich dark chocolate ganache).





But once the New Year had passed, and everyone (self included) started their post-Christmas body detox, if I wanted this to continue I was going to have to take it to the local restaurants.



So last week 4 Samplers went out. 2 no-responses, one negative response (from the restaurant that had just asked me for my list of ingredients, isn't that interesting?),



And A YES!



Sakai, our local sushi house/HIbachi Palace has asked me to make them a special cheesecake for their menu. Green Tea. Oh, I'm so excited! AND they want the Chocolate Cow and a Raspberry Lemon Curd (homemade lemon curd and raspberry syrup made from these raspberries). Doubly exciting when you understand that the chef said he probably wouldn't be able to sell anything but green tea, and then changed his mind after sampling my product.



My foot is officially In. The. Door.



Praise God! He is amazing. He will always take care of us!

Motives?

Holly just posted about her being able to offer comfort to someone else in the depths of grief.

That really got me thinking.

I'm grateful that Leila happened so early in my life.

I have many years and almost unlimited opportunities to reach out to others.

To tread water with them.

Sometimes it feels selfish.

I have a chance to make Leila's life and death mean something.

Even if it's only to me.

I hate that I've gone through this.

But I'm determined to make the tragedy worthwhile.

Is that wrong?

It's not a rhetorical question - if you have an opinion, I'd love to hear it.

Week 2 - 1/9/10

Yay or "Neigh"? Yay! And a whoop-whoop! My weight is down from 236, for a weekly loss of 5.2 lbs and a total loss of 5.4 lbs. My new BMI is 37.2. I can't wait for my BMI to drop enough that the Wii Fit Plus stops chastising me by weighing me and saying "That's Obese!" Yeah, yeah, I know. But Rome wasn"t built in a day...



This is me holding the food equivalent of my loss-to-date. And yeah, I'm wearing a "big D" uniform. Maybe now you'll appreciate how hard I have to struggle to lose weight, huh?

Lessons Learned: That water is very, very important to weight loss. Drinking lots of water can actually negate small dietary infractions. So if you slip up (which I haven't...yet), commit to drinking more water and flush your system. Also, sometimes being dehydrated can feel like being hungry to us, so drinking your water can actually help control hunger. And it's also critical to stay hydrated while exercising. Gatorade? Pshaw! Grab a big glass of water and let your body do what God designed it to do.

Goals achieved? I've consistently met or exceeded my goal of 35 minutes of daily exercise. And my daily caloric intake average for this week was 1452 - a little higher than I wanted, but that includes a celebratory chocolate fondue night with my boys. So I'm still giving myself a gold star. AND my sweatpants are starting to feel a little looser. w00t!

Goals made? To consistently drink my 64 oz water every day. To be in a smaller pair of pants by 2/1/10.

My best moment of the week: When Yasar first bought me the Wii Fit Plus, I ran the marathon. And almost died. Seriously! This week, I ran it twice, back-to-back. Yeah, I was out of breath, but far from reaching for my inhaler. I wonder if it'd be too much of a stretch to make a goal of running a real 5k or something this summer. Shari? What say you?

Oh, and turning 35 is was pretty cool, too. :)

Phillippians 4:13 says "I can do ALL things through Christ Who strengthens me."

So take that, fat! You're no match for me, because my God's got my back! :P

Leila's Collage

Jessica, thank you. It's so beautiful. We'd been looking for something to frame, and this is perfect! God bless you!

Week 1 - 1/2/10

Yay or "Neigh"? Yay <~mini Yay (Ha! I crack myself up!!). My weight went from 236.2 to 236.0, so a loss of .2lbs. And my BMI stayed at 38.1. My number was better first thing this morning, but I thought I'd wait for my coffee to induce my (ahem) morning ritual. Guess that backfired a little, huh?

Lessons Learned: Okay, I think I've been eating too many daily calories. My average intake for this week was 1674. I started off good, watching the scale going down. Then, about Thursday, the scale started going the wrong way. So I'm backing down to 1300-1400 daily calories. We'll see what happens from there. And I'm not discouraged - I didn't pack on these 80 lbs in a week, so it stands to reason that they won't peel themselves off that quickly, either.
BTW, I use FitDay* software to keep track of my calories and nutrition. I bought the software many, many years ago, but I think they have a free version online.

Goals achieved? Well, I've scrapped my goal of 35x up the stairs by the time I'm 35. My goal is 35 minutes minimum on my Wii Fit Plus* (an early b-day present from my amazing hubby ~ love you habibi!), and I have met it daily since he bought it for me on Sunday. I never expected indoor-type exercise to be anything but tedious, but the Fit Plus IS! Easily the best $100 we've spent in a looong time.

Goals made? Just to continue my 35 minutes a day, and to make it down at least one pants size by February 1st. I measured my waist at 47 inches the other day, so TBC.

My best moment this week: Looking in the mirror and seeing changes in my body. It's a long road ahead, so getting that early confidence boost felt so great!

*And no, I have not been compensated to endorse any products. Can you believe we have to add a disclaimer to our blogs now? Sheesh!

Looking Forward, Looking Back

Now, I'm an old lady. On the cusp of the dreaded 35 (6 more days! Eeek!). So no, I did not stay up last night to watch a lighted ball lowered in NYC. I was in bed, dreaming the dreams Nyquil provides (yeah, I'm sick, too).

But before bed I had an interesting reaction to the new year. One would think, after as crappy as this year has been, I'd be all too happy to put this sucker to rest and start anew, right?

Uhhh...

I had a mini-anxiety attack last night.

2009 was a shit year,

but it was the year I held my daughter.

I wasn't ready to let that go yet.

I feel like I've been pushed into the next year.

Forcefully.

2009 will always be the year that I held Leila.

In my belly. In my arms.

Going forward into 2010, I can only hold her in my heart.

Reflections

2009 will go down in history as the year I grew up.

Looking back on this year is painful. Humbling. And hopeful.

I never thought I'd be grateful for the trials of this past year.

You know the jewelers trick, how they put their brightest diamonds against black velvet and shine spotlights on them?

The good from this year shines so intensely, contrasted against the dark and reflecting God's bright light.

I've learned the value of the friends I already had, which I probably would never have fully appreciated without Leila. The level of support we received was just tremendous. Christine, Shari, you guys are my bright diamonds. I love you!

I think this year was the year I fully came to appreciate God. He answers my prayers every day. I know putting our family through these situations hasn't been easy for Him. He hates to watch His children struggle. But He is infinite in wisdom and knows that these trials were intense learning experiences and would be necessary for our growth.

Despite all that's happened, 2009 will be fondly remembered.

Almost

Today Andrew and I met some friends at Boonshoft Museum for a playdate/mommy get together. We had a great, pretty unremarkable time - until the last 15 minutes.

We were on our way out when this darling little brunette girl, probably around 3-4 years old, came up to me with a very sad look in her eyes. It turns out somehow she got separated from her family. My friend Christine went to the office to grab an employee (we were on the second floor, and the little girl wouldn't go to the office on the first floor with us - as it should be, mom taught her well not to leave with strangers). The employee came and took her downstairs to the office, Andrew practically glued to her side. He was not letting that little girl out of his sight!

They didn't even get around to paging her mom over the loudspeaker before a distraught woman barged into the office to claim her lost daughter. Andrew was right there through the whole thing, and we were within sight of the whole reunion as we browsed the adjoining giftshop.

Andrew came up to me after mom and daughter went back to having fun. He said, "mom, I almost had a sister".

Ouch. All that time, I thought he was just being protective. But I guess he was of the "finders, keepers" mindset, waiting for that little girl to be unclaimed so we could take her home with us.

And then the employee who reunited the mom and daughter had to come over and compliment me on Andrew's manners, and made a comment about how he said he had a sister but she died.

Of course I start to tear up (in fact, I'm doing it right now). I don't often see how Leila has affected Andrew...but when I do, it's so painful for me.

We talked about it on the way home, about how taking a girl from her mommy would be wrong, and God would be bringing us our own little girl. My advice to him was to pray about it. God has a way of listening to that child. I said it was up to God to give us that gift.

And he said, "but it's up to you and daddy to do....um...that thing I'm not allowed to talk about."

Weirdest feeling in the world, crying and giggling at the same time.

Lines in the Sand

I've had so much positive feedback on my picture of the scale - people have repeatedly called me "brave". I wish I were full of courage.

My picture on the blog is a nod towards my "bravado". And my inability to complete things.

Instead of drawing a line in the sand, I've carved a line in bedrock.

By involving my friends, people I know will hold me accountable, coach me on when I get discouraged, I've added an insurance policy to weight loss. It's not like going to the Weight Watchers meetings, where I can simply stop going. I have people who know my real struggles, and will no doubt call me on it if I don't continue this journey towards optimum health. I certainly hope you won't be afraid to reach out and pat me on the back or slap me upside the head, depending on the situation.

So I just wanted to say that YOU make me brave. That I can't do this without YOU. God has provided YOU to push me to success. YOU deserve the credit here.

12/27 - One Day Down, ??? More to Go.

I just wanted to outline my first set of mini-goals.

1) I want to be able to go up and down the stairs 35 times by my 35th birthday. I'm trying to utilize exercise methods without paying out money for a gym membership, and my stairs, they just beckon me. My 35th birthday is right around the corner, so I'm not completely confident that I'll make this goal...but I'm thinking big!

2) Getting high fructose corn syrup out of our diets. I read and read about the evils of HFCS - how it messes with your blood sugar levels. And it's disturbing, the places it pops up. Last night my dinner was egg white omelet and a bowl of Kellogg's All Bran. And, while eating my bowl of "sticks in milk", I took a gander at the ingredients. Yup, there's my nemesis. Proudly taking third place in the list. Disturbing, I tell you! Anyway, I can't really nail down a to-do-by- date on this one - there's plenty of processed foods in this house, and we're not in a position financially to throw away food and do a pantry overhaul.

3) And my last mini-goal isn't really a goal, since I have no influence on when it will happen. I'm just curious. How long do you think it will take Yasar into making some form of comment on my losing weight? Something positive from his lips. Without me asking him. Yes, that's going to be the hard part. I'll let you know. :)

"I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

The First Day...

I. Am. Done.

Yes. That is my feet. On a scale. What you can't hear is the groan of despair emitting from my mouth.

Is that number so terrible? No. I haven't really put on much weight in the last year. But I feel terrible. Easily winded. That general malaise that comes with eating crap food. The tightness around my waist and thunder thighs that indicates being too fat for my fat pants. That fact that I ate so much yesterday I ended up puking at 1am was kind of my epiphany - this has to stop. Now.

I need a little help from you all. See, the great thing about Weight Watchers is the accountability factor. I have to stand on a scale at the weekly meeting and either feel joy or shame, depending on that number. I can no longer afford Weight Watchers, so I'm wondering if you can help me accomplish the same thing.

Every Saturday I'll be posting my number. And I'm going to attempt to give you my average daily calories for that week. And, hopefully, make some mini- and mega-goals to achieve along the way.

No more excuses. No more "I'll start tomorrow..."

This is the first day of the rest of my life.

Christmas 2009

Before the chaos begins.

Thank you, Nanny! I love it!
And Aunt Beth, I couldn't wait to put this on!
My bling-bling from Andrew. I'm gonna need a security guard to walk around with this on!
(hmmm, I wonder if he's a Bengals fan...)
Fun to decorate, not-so-fun to eat.
Tiger's glad the presents are gone so he can get back to normal.
Making kibbe with daddy.
Happy Birthday, Jesus!
My candles burned all day, remembering my little angel, and the angels of all my friends. Merry Christmas, my Leila. I know you're celebrating at an awesome birthday party in heaven!

Leila Mae in Flowers

"Poor" Me?

Want a guaranteed way to change your outlook on your life? Pick up this book. It should be required reading for everyone.

It would take so little of our income to change the life of someone. Literally change their lives.

Partners in Health has an innovative program going on in Rwanda. They build hospitals. That address the whole person. It impressed the heck out of me - when they have a child that is diagnosed with malnutrition, they offer a class to the family with information on how to maximize the harvest from their family garden. Very different from the "treat 'em and street 'em" philosophy here in the US. They also create jobs for natives in home healthcare, and the majority of their medical staff is "non-Western", meaning they are born- and trained-Rwandans.

Millennium Villages is another organization that uses their funding to address the bigger picture, from industry and agriculture to healthcare and education. They are building communities out there. They are building HOPE. They are building FUTURES.

Lord, help me remember those suffering in other countries when I feel "poor". Thank You for putting this book in my path. Help me to maximize my donations for the good of those who need it most.

Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." Matthew 19:21

O Little Stack of Christmas Gifts....

Last night I sent the boys out on a date. In "boyspeak" we called it a mission. Andrew had to take pictures of lots and lots of Christmas light displays with the digital camera, and then his daddy took him out to grab a treat and "bond" (we've both been suffering from Yasar withdrawl, but Andrew seems to be particularly whiny lately about missing his dad). They had a great time, the pictures are very cool (if a little blurry), and I plan to have them made into a photo book here if I could get my %@*^! slooooow internet to upload my photos to their server! Argh!

My real motivation to getting the boys out of the house is I needed to get the Christmas presents wrapped. My sneaky little 6-year-old was adamant that he was going to see his surprises, so I needed that extra layer of security that festive paper adds. I hunkered down with my scissors and magic tape and got it all done.

And then I looked at our presents. Sure are a lot less then years past. I started feeling a little bad. I mean, it's Christmas! We should have lots of gifts to open, not this small, pathetic pile. Isn't that our right? Oh, so humiliating......

I guess what happened next could be classified as an epiphany. Why are we opening presents on His birthday? It should be about what gifts we can give Jesus on His special day, right?

I'll give you a moment to digest that.

So I've been praying about what Jesus wants for Christmas this year. I feel like the little drummer boy - not much to give, but willing to give all I have. I can't wait to see where He leads me!

(Somehow, I don't think it's going to be to Zhu Zhu Hamsters)

Tag....I'm It.

Church today - two birth announcements in the bulletin.

Someone wrote on my FB wall, and when I went to reply via wall-to-wall, it pulled up the last time we'd posted that way. Back in March. I was all a-bubble about how Andrew was coming to the next OB visit to see the ultrasound, to see his little sister for the first time.

I mostly stay ahead of my grief.

But today it's catching up with me. It's reaching for me, ready to tag me.

I don't think about how this Christmas "should" be. I don't let my mind go there.

I just feel the stark emptiness in my arms.

I miss her today.