It's hard to believe that, had we not miscarried our last pregnancy, we'd have a 2-year-old underfoot right now.

These are the kinds of thoughts running through my mind right now. It's been 3 years since the miscarriage, and the distance has made it easier to look at it objectively. Would I have wanted another child? On a biological level, my hormones scream YESYESYES! I'm created by God to harbor new life, to shape and mold the future, to love a child so much it tears at your heart. People around me are fulfilling their destinies. Yes, the proverbial biological clock ticks away.

But do I want another baby? Do I want to go through sleepless nights, breastfeeding, diapers, hormone imbalance, labor and delivery, etc etc, again? You should hear the battle going on between my ears when I ask myself that question. Rational thought versus biological drive. I'm intimidating myself here.

I'm sure the joke will be on me, when the stick finally turns pink somewhere around my 40th birthday. I'll be one of those crazy women with a college student and a preschool student at the same time.

However it turns out, I won't forget the baby I lost on 8/20/2005. And someday I'm going to finally meet my angel up in heaven.


  1. My Good wishes to you to overcome your loss. I can understand how difficult it is for a woman, I am sure you are a great mother and will always be.

  2. Emily,
    There's going to be a lot of rejoicing for a lot of moms and dads once we all get to heaven! I was reading the August issue of Good Housekeeping recently and in it there's an article about women in business. One lady has a business called The Comfort Company. She makes condolence gifts. One was a silver pendant in a teardrop. It struck me as a good idea, because sometimes a card just doesn't cut it. My sister had a miscarriage a little over a year ago. Take care, Julie

  3. I am so sorry for al of the hard times you are going through right now. I hope things get better quickly! Does Ohio have any programs that can help you get by in the meantime?

  4. @ Indian Thoughts - Thanks so much for your sympathies. I'm in a place where I can look at it more objectively now, but that little baby still lives in my heart.
    @ Julie - it'll be an amazing sight, won't it? The comfort company, huh? I'll have to check that out. I'd always heard to take your pregnancy test (or some other, hopefully not-too-gross memento) and stuff it in a Build-A-Bear. How's that for an idea? Sweet, sad, and yucky all in one fell swoop....
    @Angela - thanks for your condolences. If I knew where to turn right at this moment, I'd be one step ahead of where I am right now. :) Thank God we own a pizza restaurant, so at least we won't starve. (grin)