The Crying Game

This whole weekend (and today) has been one sopping, tear-soaked moment followed by the next.

I miss my little girl SO BAD.

I desperately want to be pregnant again.

I can't for the life of me figure out what the flip is wrong with my family. And I'm rapidly getting to the point where I just don't give a crap anymore. You know who you are.

And I've just spent the last two hours mired in paperwork, the likes of which I never in my life expected to be filling out.

So I've got Eminem screaming in my ears, the only music on my mp3 player angry enough to match my mood right now.

Life's not fair.

People are throwing their newborns away, when I'd give everything I have to still have my little girl safe in my womb.

People get pregnant so easily, too easily, and then abort their babies.

Families should be supportive instead of drumming up unnecessary drama on a woman walking the edge of a high cliff. You'd think they'd understand that I'm still grieving and put aside their pathetic agendas for just one minute. But no, not mine.

I have all I need. My God, my husband, my son. Everything else is just noise.

But I've had so much to cry about this weekend. Seeing an old friend and meeting her new daughter, Piper. Church. Lots of deep conversations with Yasar. And nothing. Just crying for no particular reason.


  1. Emily-

    I'm so sorry that you are drowning right now. I've been there and completely understand what you are feeling. It will not last forever...it will get better. You have to hang on to that hope.

    Know that God hears every cry even when it seems like He's not listening. Know that you are special and what's happening isn't any type of punishment. Know that you will have a good life someday.

    You are grieving like you should and you will come out of it. This season will not last.

    I'm here if you need me.


  2. Emily, I've been feeling so down and depressed lately too. Be kind to yourself. We're here for you!

  3. I'm sorry things haven't been so good. I know those days and they really suck. (((hugs)))

  4. I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is. I'm right there with you, and I know it doesn't help, but when you're sad and there's so much DRAMA, just remember that there are so many people who do care about you, including me! Is the Eminem helping? I recently switched over to the Blackeyed Peas. I have a harder time crying when I'm dancing around my bathroom!

  5. Emily--

    I could've written your post. You and I are in very similar places. Well, I think there is one exception. I've moved way past caring about what our family thinks and basically saying, F you to them.

    This is all so terribly unfair. I ask everyday, why my baby, why me, why us? I get angry with God for not giving me the answers I desperately seek. It seems like it is never the crackheads or the abusers who lose their babies. It's women like all of us who desperately want and love their babies.

    If there is anything I can do for you, even to just vent, email me or message me on Facebook.

  6. So sorry you are feeling so down, but it's normal. Sometimes people just get so wrapped up in themselves they forget about others. My family is very much that way, and I spend a lot of tears on them. I shouldn't care, but I do they're my family. I take strength in my husband and kids though. Hold on to the man and that baby boy of yours, and know around the corner there will be a better day.

  7. I know what you mean, Sweetie. About a month after Jessica died I saw a woman in a grocery parking lot screaming at (looked to be) 2 yro & yanking her arm nearly out of her socket as she dragged the crying toddler across the lot. I walked up to her & said, "You know what? I just buried my daughter a few weeks ago, if you don't yours I'll take her." Mostly, I said this to 'jerk a knot in her tail,' as my daddy would've said, & it worked. She stared at me, mouth agape, & then, a little more carefully, took her toddler into the store.
    Also, w/in 2 months after Jessica's death, the church we were attending at the time opened a pro-life Women's Center & I was 1 of the original volunteers. Once a week I would councel women & young girls who thought we were a 'clinic' & wanted to 'get rid' of their 'problem.' I think the Lord put me there, as I know there were several who didn't abort their babies b/c of my story...at least not that day.
    Yes, after losing Jessica & then having 2 miscarriages after her, I too felt that sting of watching teens & those who flitted from 1 man to the next get pragnant when WE were watching the calendar, taking morning temperatures & praying that that next cycle wouldn't start. And then...1 DAY...it didn't! As you know, we now have our wonderful 21 & 18 yo girls! You will, too. I KNOW it doesn't seem like it when you're in the throws of all the emotions & heart-break, but God's timing really IS perfect. You'll see.
    Blessings, Kim < > <