It's odd to me to feel so emotional again. I really thought I had a hold of my grief, instead of the other way around.
Today found me just begging God for that next chance to be a mommy again. Begging like I imagine Sarai begged. Tears rolling down my face. And God led me to the booklet that Anita gave me, that precious booklet of verses that I carry with me in my purse.
I stopped, and asked God to lead me to the verse, to speak to my heart. I opened it at random...
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. ...And the peace of God will be with you.
Wow. Wow wow wow! I feel so humbled. And so privileged, that God would speak to me that openly. It's easy, when your heart is dying inside you, to think that God doesn't care about you. That nobody cares or understands you.
And then I remember He knows what it's like to lose a child.