Lurking Around Every Corner....

Do not, for even one second, think that I'm doing great. I'm not over losing my little girl. But I'm learning to live with loss and moving on.

It seems like, every once in awhile, something triggers an all-out surprise bawl-fest.

Today it was googling foods to avoid while TTC. Somehow I landed on BabyCenter, and they proceeded to tell me I'm 31 weeks pregnant. My little girl is 16 inches and 3.3 lbs.

My heart breaks anew, every time I run into something like that.

And these little landmines are everywhere.


  1. I think the only kind of "great" we can ever feel again is the sarcastic kind. You know, the "Oh yeah, I'm just great" kind of thing. But learning to live with the pain is something we get better at through time.

    I have a friend who is much older, she could be my Gramma. She had a stillbirth MANY MANY years ago, long before I was even born. She said to this day she STILL has days where something will trigger that bawl-fest. Her advice was to just let it happen. It makes it harder to choke it back. Just let the tears fall. Eventually some of those triggers won't be as difficult to walk through, but there will be some that stab you in the heart multiple times no matter how much time passes.


  2. So, so sorry. I know it stings. (like a knife in your heart *stings*)

  3. You are so right. I had to force myself to go to Babycenter and other sites where I'd signed up and unsubscribed from the various mailing lists because I couldn't deal with seeing emails about how pregnant I should've been. What really sucked was that I had to delete Sydney's information in order to stop them.

    I've gotten so used to saying, "I'm fine" every time someone asks how I am. The pastor who did Sydney's service called to check on me and I didn't even realize until later that when he asked how I was, I said "I'm fine" in that fake upbeat voice because that's all I do now. Nobody wants to hear the truth about how we're really doing. I'm sure many people think I'm just fine and I'm "over it" but really I should win an Oscar because I'm just acting that way for them.

  4. Yeah, I got those updates in my email. I unsubsribed to them. Thanks babycenter for letting me know what my daughter should be doing at a month old (etc)!

  5. I know that sometimes it feels like the whole world is out to get us. There are so many occurrences each day that set me off. I'm sorry, Emily. Wishing you some peace.