are You there, God?

or are You still in hiding? because i still feel so empty. like i've been deserted. not good timing.

while i'm hurling my words at the sky, i'd like to ask You a question.

how could You?

wasn't dealing with infertility enough of a tragedy for me? did You have to wait until i was resigned to having just one child to throw that curve ball at me?

a positive pregnancy test. i remember sitting at the table next to my friend christine with my head in my hands, absolutely sick to my stomach. yes, i was that resigned, the positive test was not a completely welcome surprise.

and then i fell in love with my baby. and started freaking out when i was spotting.

the inconvenience and mess of progesterone inserts twice a day.

a big sigh of relief when i passed that 14 week mark, when the placenta would make enough progesterone and the baby was "safe".

the threat of miscarriage gone. no more holding back my emotions. we were going to have a baby.

God, why did You let me get past my first trimester? why did You let me feel feel secure that we were given this remarkable gift? that leila was a "given"?

this little girl. the daughter that we both wanted so badly.

You saw yasar's eyes when i told him it was a she. how could You disappoint him so badly?

are You trying to stop me from relaxing? feeling complacent? because You've certainly kept me on my toes.

and now You go and disappear on me? how am i supposed to navigate these waters without You?

my marriage feels like it's seeded with landmines. my husband's angry with me, and i don't care. and then he wants to make up, and i don't care about that, either.

my son is so often lately angry with me.

my daughter is in a small fake-stone container, to cold to offer any comfort.

more and more often, it becomes a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. paste a smile on my face. draw another breath. why bother?

where are You when I need You?


  1. Oh hun, I wish I knew. This is the exact thing I have struggled with for years...it still goes unanswered for me and the frustration is damning. I still pray for you, and others even if no one listens, or who it might be. Thats what hope is....hope, sometimes it's all we have to help us stand.

  2. Have some peace that He hasn't abandoned you, it just feels that way because your pain is still to strong. But believe it or not, He is there trying to wrap His arms, it just takes you letting Him.

    Your son's anger with you could be his grief taking it's course. We've dealt with that, too. Four months or so after Chaya died, I had to have a talk with Micheal and ask him to really talk to me about his feelings. It took some doing to get it out of him, but it finally came. And so did the waterworks. He hadn't grieved yet, because it hadn't hit him yet, and that's why the anger.

    God's there. He really, truly is. Keep trying to seek Him, and eventually the intense curtain of sadness will start to open up again and you will see Him there.


  3. I don't know the answers, so I'll keep praying for you and your family

  4. I know it feels as if He isn't there but He never leaves us. I've had times when I felt so close to Him and times where He seems so far away.

  5. I ask these same questions all the time. It is all so unfair. We were completely surprised to find out that I was pregnant--my husband was scheduled for a vasectomy about 6 weeks after I found out I was pregnant. As hard as it was to accept at the time, we fell in love with Sydney and all of us were so excited to have her. Then she was taken from us. It makes no sense. Why make us love her so much then take her from us? I find myself wondering everyday if He is even there, and if he is, why has He abandoned me.

    ((((Emily)))) I wish we had some answers.