or are You still in hiding? because i still feel so empty. like i've been deserted. not good timing.
while i'm hurling my words at the sky, i'd like to ask You a question.
how could You?
wasn't dealing with infertility enough of a tragedy for me? did You have to wait until i was resigned to having just one child to throw that curve ball at me?
a positive pregnancy test. i remember sitting at the table next to my friend christine with my head in my hands, absolutely sick to my stomach. yes, i was that resigned, the positive test was not a completely welcome surprise.
and then i fell in love with my baby. and started freaking out when i was spotting.
the inconvenience and mess of progesterone inserts twice a day.
a big sigh of relief when i passed that 14 week mark, when the placenta would make enough progesterone and the baby was "safe".
the threat of miscarriage gone. no more holding back my emotions. we were going to have a baby.
God, why did You let me get past my first trimester? why did You let me feel feel secure that we were given this remarkable gift? that leila was a "given"?
this little girl. the daughter that we both wanted so badly.
You saw yasar's eyes when i told him it was a she. how could You disappoint him so badly?
are You trying to stop me from relaxing? feeling complacent? because You've certainly kept me on my toes.
and now You go and disappear on me? how am i supposed to navigate these waters without You?
my marriage feels like it's seeded with landmines. my husband's angry with me, and i don't care. and then he wants to make up, and i don't care about that, either.
my son is so often lately angry with me.
my daughter is in a small fake-stone container, to cold to offer any comfort.
more and more often, it becomes a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. paste a smile on my face. draw another breath. why bother?
where are You when I need You?