Emotional Cleaning

Cleaning the house. Company's coming.

It isn't lost on me that I should be packing my hospital bag. Reading the final chapters of What to Expect When You're Expecting.

You know, the ones that have to do with no longer expecting, but instead experiencing.

I should have a belly rounded out by my Leila, instead of rounded out by my emotional eating.

They should have a warning label on PopTarts - they're every bit as addictive as crack.

I should be nagging at Yasar as he installs the infant carseat in my Nissan, telling him he's not doing it right.

My mailbox seems to be breeding Similac samples lately. Like bunnies. I should be stocking up instead of throwing them in the food pantry donation box.

You, too, Huggies.

Cleaning the house can seem like such a waste of time, in the grand scheme of things.

The good news is I got the bedroom cleaned, so I moved Leila over to my bedside table. Placed her in her Peace Bear's lap. And I think I'm going to get a picture framed. Or maybe see if I can get one drawn here. I'd love to see if they could draw one of my gremom holding Leila in heaven.

I feel like my nightstand has become kind of a mini-altar dedicated to her life.

But now she's within arm's reach as I dream about her, a pathetic little comfort.

I'm dreading the Big Bad Due Date. October 12th. It fast approacheth.

A question for my fellow angel mommies, any suggestions for something to do that day?


  1. Anything to keep busy...just don't sit around and dwell...it's not good for anyone.

  2. I spent the daytime busy. I took the day off of work because I knew it would be hard. I scheduled some appointments, fittingly one was with my therapist. When the kids got home from school, we went to the cemetery and released 4 pink balloons with notes from each of us attached to them. That evening, my kids went off to VBS and Eric and I sat at home and remembered her. I lit a candle and let it burn for 2 hours, the time that she was alive in my arms. I pulled out all of her things, her clothes and blankets, the hospital memory book, and held them, smelled them, and cried. I won't lie to you, it was hard. Probably the hardest day after the initial few and her funeral.

    I felt like I needed to remember her, to memorialize her. I didn't really preplan anything, other than the balloon release. I just did what felt right in that moment.

  3. Emily-

    My situation is different because Nate lived for 25 days. But here's what we did:

    On his bday -March 5th, we took our kids to Disneyland (we do that for all our kids bdays - only 25 min. away). We all wore "happy bday buttons" and we got Mickey Mouse balloons for him. Every one of us wrote a special bday message and then we tied them all to the balloons. He has a brick at Disneyland with his name and birthdate on it. We took a family photo with the brick and the balloons and then we sang happy birthday to him and let them go. Then we took the kids on some rides and went to a bday dinner where we asked the server to bring the special bday dessert and we all shared it.

    We tried to make it a day of celebration to honor his memory. There were lots of tears mixed in with that but afterward I was glad that we didn't just let the day pass without trying to make it special. It showed our other kids that Nate always will be a part of our family and that he deserves to be recognized and celebrated.

    Hugs to you!!!! I know how hard the "dates" are!


  4. I'd like to get a picture drawn too. Those are neat.

    I feel like my entire bedroom is a shrine to Ella. I keep her picture and her ashes on my nightstand table too.

    I kept busy on the due date too. That week I delivered the hats I'd been knitting to the hospital, that morning I knit a hat for our rainbow baby (hoping), in the afternoon we just went for a walk at the beach, and ate subway sandwiches. I wrote Ella's name in the sand a few times. It was very low key, but nice.

    I'm thinking of you! And, Leila too!

  5. Nicholas is on my nightstand too.... the perfect spot, I think.

    These date milestones are so difficult. You'll know what feels "right" when the day comes.

    I like the balloon idea.

  6. I dont have any words of wisdome for you but I hope you spend the day remebering your sweet girl and feeling blessed you are her mother.



  7. You know, the anticipation was far worse than the actual day. I tried so hard to get Logan's tree in the ground that week, to no avail. I don't even remember now what I did (I'm sure I blogged about it though if you REALLY want to know). I know it wasn't anything special. I remember thinking that Aubrey wasn't born on her due date, so Logan wouldn't have been either (most likely). In reality it wasn't the actual day so much as the month surrounding the date. I seem to remember it was a pretty dark time and I blogged a lot.

  8. BD is baby dance! We were a hot couple at one time, now I am broken, fat with no baby to show for it, lol!

    Sigh...your other life sounds so much better! I wish you weren't mourning her death...I wish you were big, round and pregnant and happy than ever. Big hugs my friend!

    How are things at home? I'm praying for you hon.


  9. Those samples can be quite mocking and relentless. Ugggghhh....

    Do something fun in her memory. I think our babies would want us to do happy things.