What's Wrong With Me?

It's been over two weeks since I've shed a tear. Or really even felt sad. Or really thought about my baby angel.

Considering it's only been 3 months since she went Home, is this normal?

I read my fellow DBM's blogs, and see them broken for months.

Sometimes years.

And I feel like this uncaring mom, who doesn't miss her little girl enough to grieve anymore.

I feel horrible about this.

But I still don't grieve.

And it's not like I'm avoiding the grief. I embrace the tears when they come, knowing that with the tears comes the healing.

Maybe I'm just a little messed up.

Maybe? Ha, almost certainly.


  1. Everyone grieves differently, you can't beat yourself up comparing yourself. I'm not a crier, but I grieve things in other ways.

  2. It is absolutely normal. And it in no way means you are not a caring Mother. As Kimberly said, everyone grieves differently. Whether your crying is over and done with remains to be seen, but it is normal to have apathetic moments like you describe. I think it's our brain's way of trying to process it and work through it, or our brain's way of protecting us.

    Don't let it make you feel horrible. You're not. You are a hurting Mother who misses her baby and is trying to get on with life. Just because your way of getting on with life may be different than the other women you watch doesn't mean you are worse than they are. You love your Daughter. We all know how much.

  3. First an formost you can't compare your grieving process with others.
    Everyone is different. Be thankful for what God has given you during this journey you are on.

  4. Stop trying to conform to an idea of what is normal. The only thing normal is how you personally feel. You are just healing and that's good. It doesn't mean you don't love your precious little angel it just means you are coming to terms with things and are content with god's decision that he needs her more for some reason. You are a strong wonderful mom who loves her kids enogh to let them be at peace.

  5. I know when I lost my mom, which is different then a child I had the same feelings. In all honesty its been almost 7 years and I still think I haven't grieved. Someone told me once you grieve when your soul is ready..I think sometimes our souls are too fragile and our minds and hearts push back what would utterly shatter us until we are strong enough to really handle it. Its ok hun, every one is different, and everything comes to us in time.

  6. I'm sure it's normal (something I know nothing about!) I think it's your strong faith that's getting you through this.

  7. You are normal!! I have felt like quite an outcast when moms around me are grieving heavily but I'm not. It is ok. I have only had 1 moment in these past 5 months after we buried Carleigh where I have actually sat and cried. I've had tears in my eyes on occasions but not full blown sob sessions. I am happy many days.

    So if you're messed up then so am I.

  8. You are completely normal, Emily. Between 3-4 even 5 months, I hardly cried or had a real breakdown. It seemed like I was tired of crying, I was tired of grief. As I crept closer to the 6 month mark, it all really hit me again, so hard. I was in tears all the time, sleeping badly, missing her so so much. I think that the shock had really worn off and my mind was ready to really start the grief work. I'm starting to come to terms with losing Sydney, I think. Grief is so complex and individual. I felt horrible for not crying for so long and for not being a mess, like I had been for so long. It comes in waves now and it can be hit me so hard, out of nowhere.

  9. Hi Emily - I'm new to your blog - I was doing a Google search and found you. We share a hometown! I've just read a few past posts, and I think your Dr. Josh in our chiropracter too!

    Sadly, I can also relate to your loss and sorrow, and like your other commenters, I do think the waves and billows of loss are normal. It's been almost eleven years since our last loss, and I can only say that God is faithful, and He does bring healing in His perfect time.

    My husband works downtown Troy - perhaps not far from where you hope to locate after the sale of your home. There are a lot of nice old historic homes there, so hopefully you will find something suitable for your family.

    It's fun to find a blogger who I actually might bump into someday!