Today it kind of hit me.
I should be 36 weeks pregnant now.
Swollen.
Seriously uncomfortable.
Ready to get you out of my body,
and bring you into the world.
Instead, my body's empty.
Unproductive.
Just taking up space, it seems.
I don't cry for you much anymore,
but that doesn't mean I don't feel broken.
Unnecessary.
I should be nesting,
but instead, my house is cluttered and in need of a thorough cleaning.
And I don't really care.
I should be packing my hospital suitcase,
but instead I'm packing for a 3-day "vacation" in Ann Arbor.
My son should be preparing to adjust to a major life change.
Instead, all is right and as it should be in his little world.
Status quo.
I'm missing you, Leila.
I'm missing all you stood for.
I'm missing the changes and upheaval you'd have brought to our lives.
I'm missing the dreams of dirty diapers,
endless 3am feedings,
a little girl dressed in pink.
I'm missing the firsts:
day of school,
first boyfriend,
prom,
graduation,
when you meet the one,
and picking out the white dress.
All these little dreams are wrapped up in missing you.
My heart aches for you. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteYou have said alot of what I feel. I am grieving my daughter & all that could've been.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your msg on FB.
You are right even though this pain is at times unbearable I would never not want to "know" my daughter.
I actually thought of you this morning. I had sp[ent quite a bit of time reading your blog the other day & for some reason your little girl popped into my mind. She looks so angelic in her pictures.
I also wanted to say that there were a few weeks a couple months ago when the tears had eased up for awhile. Once I realized it I too wondered how could the tears not be flowing? I think it was just a short stage in my process. It was a few weeks and then flood gates opened like it was the first few weeks. Your mind is probably just processing everything. Maybe your body knows you need a break. Or maybe this is it & you will continue to heal this way. But PLEASE do not beat yourself up over it. The amount of tears you cry does not equal the amount you loved your daughter.
Thinking of you.
- Mal
I grieve for the things that could have been but will never be like you mentioned. Dreams I had for my little girl that will never come true. A dream of 2 sisters growing up best friends. (((hugs)))
ReplyDelete((((Emily)))) So often I wonder what Sydney would have looked like, what she would be doing right now, and all those firsts I won't have with her. That breaks my heart just as much as not having her with me.
ReplyDeleteI think as mommies our hearts will always yearn for the things that you dream of doing with your daughter. My biggest dream when I found out I was pregnant with Lily was mommy and daughter mani and pedi days. I still choke up thinking about it...
ReplyDeleteI too am so sorry for your pain (((HUGS))). Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you. Mourning the loss of my hopes and dreams. It's a process. We WILL get through it!!!!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Trisha
(((((hugs)))))
ReplyDelete