It's Funny...or not

...how I'm quick to turn to God for the benefit of others, but when it comes to my problems, He seems a zillion miles away.

...how quickly repressed feelings can flow once they're given an outlet.

...how bitter I am right now.

...and how misunderstood I feel.

Okay, it's not that funny.

I just feel alone.

And I'm not blind to the fact that this is mostly self-imposed.

Isolation is a normal part of the grieving process. Because, really, how many people know what it's like to lose a baby? How many can do more than offer empty words and platitudes?

And God. Almighty. Who *chose* to take my little girl. Yeah, I'm not too keen on Him right now.

My husband, the one I should be able to turn to, who - of all people on this earth - should understand my pain. He tells me to get over it. He's blind to it by choice. He's far more interested in his borderline-adulterous relationship with his business. Maybe that's just how he copes with his own pain, but at the same time he's failing me. And either he doesn't know it, or doesn't care. Both options are inexcusable.

I'm sick to death of venting on this blog, but I don't have any other outlet. Blog, you're the only one who really listens to me.



  1. I know the feeling of him failing you in your time of grief. Mike and I reached that point, even though we had agreed to let each other grieve the way we each needed to.

    For me, that meant grieving with him, him holding me and crying with me, or just holding me and letting me cry. For him, that meant alone, ignoring the pain, essentially pretending like it never happened.

    That's why so many marriages break up after a tragedy such as this. Both partners need to be allowed to grieve their own way, and yet typically the woman needs her husband in a way he is unable to give himself to her. Not because he doesn't want to, but because he is so different than she and he feels like HE has to keep it together in order to keep everything together.

    I have no words on how to get through this, other than prayer. I know it's difficult to do when you feel distant from God and aren't too happy with Him, but it is necessary to get through it.

  2. Vent, sister, vent.

    My mil gave my hubby and I advice when Lily died "losing a baby will either make ya or break ya." You have to make a conscience decision to not let the latter happen. Have you guys thought of going to grief counseling? Your hubby misses her, too, but obviously is showing it in different ways. You shouldn't feel alone in this process and I wish you didn't feel abandoned by the two that love you the most: God and your hubby.


  3. Vent away! I don't know how you feel and I can't make it better, but I can listen (read).

  4. I agree w/ the PP about some grief counseling. A lot of couples do it and it really helps them. I don't know if he'd be up for it or not but it's worth a shot. Yeah, our blogs are pretty good listeners.

  5. Uh oh Em. Don't cross over to my side. It certainly isn't pretty or all neat and tidy over here either.
    My mother was here over the weekend. She reads my blog so I can't even blog about it. ARGH. But while she, in her ignorant wisdom, lectured me on the "love" of God and how he uses all things for good and blah blah blah...I could have used you sitting on the couch next to me. Maybe she'd "get it" a little better from another self proclaimed bible thumper. I swear I have never been so mad as to really see red...but I saw red Saturday night! I actually contemplated smacking my own mother, or choking her...
    I'm sorry your venting here. You can email me and vent there. :)

  6. Oh, and a thought on your DH. I think a lot of men are in such denial about their own pain. And you and your tears are a constant reminder of what he is probably trying so hard to pretend didn't happen. Men grieve a lot LATER and different than woman do. Give it time. You both need so much more time. Does he have access to your blog? I gave David access to mine and I think it helps him understand me and where I am at.