Not Much to Say

Well, technically that's not true. There's lots to say, but I'm concentrating it down to one simple sentence:

I'm so grateful this week is almost over. It's a week I would never want to repeat.

It all started with this post over on Almost Frugal.

Then we had some very, very serious family problems. Also on Monday.

Tuesday saw us reeling in shock and heartache for my family, and so many prayers for healing here. With a healthy side of that horrible joy/self pity feeling that goes along with someone you know announcing a new pregnancy. Oh, and this post. (stay tuned on Monday at AF for my response)

Wednesday was a doctor's appointment. Since moving to this new house, I've been having breathing problems. Bad enough that I wasn't getting any sleep without Nyquil. And I bared my soul to my wonderful doctor about my weight problem. It's been impossible this last year to lose weight, something that's never been this hard before. I've been walking around in this cloak of failure and self-loathing for too long. So I asked him if it's the stress of all that's happened, or just me getting older, or maybe a medical issue?

Thursday - bloodwork to check my thyroid level, blood sugar, cholesterol, BUN, creatine, and pretty much anything else my doctor could check for. An afternoon with Yasar and Andrew in Dayton getting the car fixed and doing some grocery shopping at the Middle Eastern store.

Yesterday, Andrew and I went to Charleston Falls after work. We needed that time together to talk and just soak each other in. I am blessed to have a great kid.

Today? I pray for a quiet, uneventful day. At midnight I will celebrate the resurrection of my King as well as an end to this horrible week.

Cottage Industry

What's been keeping me so busy lately?

Why, cheesecakes, of course!

You all know how hard these last few months have been for us. Between the economy, the cheap-o competition moving into town, bankruptcy, losing the house, losing Leila...wow, I'm really glad I'm not one of those people compelled to write an update letter to send with my Christmas cards!

Anyway, I prayed. I want to get this certain game for Andrew for Christmas. And, with no income to speak of, I was pulling my hair out, trying to figure out how.

As always, God provided.

When we built this house, my husband wanted to honor my creative side and spent $2300 on an almost-top of the live oven. And I spent about a year perfecting my cheesecake method.

(perfecting - that's funny. many times they still don't come out perfect!)

I threw it out there on Facebook, asking friends if they would be willing to purchase my cheesecakes.

That was about a week ago. Since then, I've sold 15 cheesecakes, and have another 10 orders behind it.

And I'm happy, you know?

It's so nice to feel like I'm doing something productive. I get up at 5am, plug my mp3 player in my ears, worship and talk to God. My kitchen is so much cleaner.

Of course, it makes it hard to stay on Weight Watchers. But I'm working on that.

So, that's why it's been so quiet here. If you're nosy (I sure am!) and on Facebook, you can look up my menu by searching for "cheesecakes by emily". Leave some input - what do you think would be a great cheesecake flavor? Or just leave a little note of encouragement. Those are always cherished. And while you're there, make me your friend. :)

My Hollywood Moment

Remember that movie, It Could Happen to You? Nicholas Cage as the good cop, Bridget Fonda as the penniless waitress?


All afternoon, Fonda's voice was chiming in my head....

"I just went bankrupt, right before I came to work."

Took me forever to figure out what movie it was.

Anyway. Today, that was my life.

I just went bankrupt, and then went to work.

It sucks. After 5 years of owning our business, to hear the trustee declare us asset-less. "No asset case". After 5 years, we didn't have anything worth liquidating.

Disturbing. Depressing.

My big Hollywood moment. Bridget, I can totally relate.

TKO

This week has been so HARD!

I feel like God has truly backed me into the corner.

Today they cancelled my credit card.

I was current on it. So I don't exactly understand why.

But I'm skydiving, and my last parachute just snapped on me.

So God, I sure as heck hope You're there.

And You're going to provide.

Because I'm face-to-face with my very darkest day.

More and more misery piling on top of me.

Last night I called my family and cancelled Christmas for this year.

Going under.

God, got a life preserver?

BFD

No, not big f***ing deal. That was sooo 25 years ago.

Bankruptcy~foreclosure~divorce.

The Triple Whammy.

Because that's how it usually goes down, right?

How about the DBBFD?

A huge serving of BFD preceded by an appetizer of Dead Baby.

Too much has happened in to short a time.

I don't relate to my husband.

And I don't particularly care.

I feel like I've sacrificed everything for his ego, his dreams

and we have NOTHING to show for it.

And I just can't be blamed for that anymore.

He says I've stopped caring about things.

In some ways, that's good.

All the drama from PA this summer has just rolled off, never really registering to begin with.

But, when it comes to him "not feeling the love" from me, it's not desirable.

He actually used the D word yesterday.

Maybe he finally gets it?

And the Word of the Day Is:

B is for broken hearts and spirits
A is for asking God to get us through this trial
N is for not letting this situation get between our marriage or family
K is for knowing we did our best, even if it wasn't enough
R is for (dare I say it?) relief
U is for understanding the court system better than we ever wanted to
P is for pride, severely wounded as it is
T is for tallying up the value of everything we own
C is for constant collection calls, whick will thankfully be stopping soon
Y is for yanking ourselves up by the shoestrings and limping towards the future

Today was the day. Signing all the paperwork. Feeling ambivalent, elated, and deeply ashamed all at once. One door slamming shut, another peeking open.

This life is quite the journey.

The Crying Game

This whole weekend (and today) has been one sopping, tear-soaked moment followed by the next.

I miss my little girl SO BAD.

I desperately want to be pregnant again.

I can't for the life of me figure out what the flip is wrong with my family. And I'm rapidly getting to the point where I just don't give a crap anymore. You know who you are.

And I've just spent the last two hours mired in paperwork, the likes of which I never in my life expected to be filling out.

So I've got Eminem screaming in my ears, the only music on my mp3 player angry enough to match my mood right now.

Life's not fair.

People are throwing their newborns away, when I'd give everything I have to still have my little girl safe in my womb.

People get pregnant so easily, too easily, and then abort their babies.

Families should be supportive instead of drumming up unnecessary drama on a woman walking the edge of a high cliff. You'd think they'd understand that I'm still grieving and put aside their pathetic agendas for just one minute. But no, not mine.

I have all I need. My God, my husband, my son. Everything else is just noise.

But I've had so much to cry about this weekend. Seeing an old friend and meeting her new daughter, Piper. Church. Lots of deep conversations with Yasar. And nothing. Just crying for no particular reason.

The "B" Word

This is the hardest post I've ever attempted to write. Social stigma aside, admitting the exploring bankruptcy is basically admitting to complete failure. But despite all our efforts to change the course of our financial lives, it's obvious that bankruptcy is quickly becoming our only option.

In a nutshell, my husband purchased a pizza delivery franchise in August of 2004. About 6 months later, we made the colossal mistake of building a home (no, we haven't been stung by the ARM bug, one of my stipulations to the mortgage was a 30 year fixed rate, whew!).

I don't have to tell you what's happened to the economy...goods are getting more expensive, people are using less "expendible" income, minimum wage has increased along with gas prices. Our royalties and rent went up. Sales went down. You don't need to be a mathmatician to see where this is going.

Fast forward a few years, when we made a decision to purchase another location, only to have that one tank out in a little more than a year and put us even further behind. Now our flagship store is weighed down by debt from that defunct venture as well as all its own pressures.

So the current state is this: We've been working in the store something like 75 hours a week, the both of us, unpaid since I think May? We've gotten to the point where we can keep up with the business expenses as long as the unsecured debt is put on hold. Creditors are calling. Their threats don't even phase me anymore. Want to put a lien on my house/car/business/fill-in-the-blank? Knock yourself out! You're asking me to borrow money from family to pay you? Hahhhahahaahahaha! Never happen - they know better than to give me money! You want me to use my personal credit cards to pay a business expense? Been there, done that, and FINALLY learned that lesson. In fact, the sad thing is that we'll probably have to file a personal and a business Chapter 7 simultaneously because we've run the heck out of our personal credit cards to fund the business payroll.

I listen to Dave Ramsey almost every day, looking for some loophole, some stone we've left unturned. I read constantly about different methods of redemption. I pray about it. But our situation prevents me from getting a full time job, unless they'll pay me $12/hour so I can cover childcare and afford to pay someone to take my place in the store. I can't even maintain a steady part-time job because of DH's strange hours and responsibility to the store. I've tried to concentrate on reducing costs where I can, meaning inside the home, and the fruit of our efforts are plain to see - check out the grocery challenge links. We're still not even within megaphone-amplified shouting distance of making a dent in our debt.

And it's affecting my family on a personal level. DH has complained of chest pain at the ripe old age of 35. When things are particularly bad, I get short with DH and Andrew. Then depression sets in, and I can't get motivated to do anything but read more financial content. I've been staring down my bushy eyebrows in the mirror for the last 3 months, and cannot motivate myself to get out the wax, nuke the water, spread it on, and rrrrripppp! I obsess about finding free entertainment, clearance items at the grocery store, and a great buy at the Goodwill. And, as expected, marital relations hit an all-time low.

And I live in fear. Fear of going through bankruptcy. Fear of the 8 year limit between filings (what if we have a major medical disaster right after we file?). Fear about what we'll do after the bankruptcy, if the business has to be relinquished (strangely, you can find tons of info on personal bankruptcy on the internet, but things are very hush-hush when it comes to corporate...I guess we'll get all those answers from a lawyer, huh?). What I don't fear is making the same mistake twice. We've been living basically without our credit cards for quite awhile, and I think we've got the groove of cash-money-living going on.

So, gentle reader, it's my goal to document this process in a candid and earnest way for your reading pleasure. There seems to be little real-world, see-this-is-happening-to-me-and-if-you're-experiencing-this-and-feeling-this-way-you're-not-alone information out there to be had. I mean, I've read a crapload of case studies, but they're impersonal and don't describe the stress/mental anguish/guilt/ambivalence that I'm feeling right now.

I hope this helps someone. I really do.

So la-la-la-la live out loud...... ~SCC