Yesterday.
That same song I was singing on the way to the hospital.
On the same road I was driving.
I don't cry much anymore, but it was more than my little heart could take.
On the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering...
Showing posts with label Pregnancy Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy Loss. Show all posts
6.14.2010
5.25.2010
A Brand New Year
It's as if I was holding my breath, waiting for that ticker to roll over.
And, now that it has, I feel different. Unencumbered. Lighter. No longer weepy and morose.
Either the beginning of May has been especially hard,
or, (dare I say it?) the hard grieving is over.
I've googled about grief release after that first anniversary. It's real, many people experience it. Even Stephanie seems to have caught a little of it.
The litmus test will be church on Sunday. Do you think I can get through a whole service without crying in the bathroom?
Why do I feel bad about not feeling bad anymore? It's not as if I've forgotten her. She's sewed into the fabric of my heart.
Maybe last year was about looking back, but this year is about looking forward.
And, now that it has, I feel different. Unencumbered. Lighter. No longer weepy and morose.
Either the beginning of May has been especially hard,
or, (dare I say it?) the hard grieving is over.
I've googled about grief release after that first anniversary. It's real, many people experience it. Even Stephanie seems to have caught a little of it.
The litmus test will be church on Sunday. Do you think I can get through a whole service without crying in the bathroom?
Why do I feel bad about not feeling bad anymore? It's not as if I've forgotten her. She's sewed into the fabric of my heart.
Maybe last year was about looking back, but this year is about looking forward.
5.21.2010
Happy Birthday, Little Angel
We had the florist fill the balloons with forget-me-not seeds - I hope a plants bloom and Leila fills Troy with tiny blue flowers. Maybe someone will see one and wonder. I hope.
Love you, sweet little girl. Till we meet again.
5.17.2010
My Unhealthy Fascination
I've always been drawn to old cemeteries. 
They seem so forgotten. Very few fresh flowers or flags, any evidence that someone who still walks this earth remembers...
But they're saturated with history. Most of these graves date back over a century. 
Yesterday I walked through the old cemetery alone, looking for answers.
How did mothers in the 1800's deal with the loss of a child? It looks like a common situation back in those days. Did they just accept it gracefully as a fact of life? Par for the course? Did they scream and cry? Did they feel deserted by God?
Can you almost see the divots this mother's knees left in front of her babies' headstones? The flowers she put on the cold marble every year, every season? Did she accept her burden better than I am?
The cemetery remains peacefully secretive. And I rejoice for those mothers who have joined with their babies in heaven.
5.05.2010
Ready for my Badge of Honor Now...
I swear, I deserve some kind of medal or award for sitting in my old OB's office and keeping it together. And even talking to Dr. C, who had no idea Leila wasn't here with us on earth anymore (he strictly does GYN, while Dr. O does both OB and GYN).
It's not lost on me that, since Leila was not technically 20 weeks and therefore could not be listed as a stillbirth, the OBGYN history shows me as having "surgery" 5/21/09.
Ouch. OUCH!
I HAD A BABY, PEOPLE!
Anyway, Dr. C. is scheduling bloodwork on in a few weeks to catch me midcycle and see where my hormones are at. AND he wants to do a pap, even though I'm not due for one until July. His concern is that abnormal pap I got on my first pregnancy visit with Leila, even though the follow-up was normal.
Let's just pray that Blue Cross/Blue Shield covers this. My health insurance has no maternity rider. Not that, at this point, it's me trying to get pregnant. I've no doubt that eventually it will evolve into that, but right now it's just about figuring out why my body is acting the way it is.
At this moment, I'm just emotionally drained. And more than due for a big glass of vino. I'll take that over a medal any day.
It's not lost on me that, since Leila was not technically 20 weeks and therefore could not be listed as a stillbirth, the OBGYN history shows me as having "surgery" 5/21/09.
Ouch. OUCH!
I HAD A BABY, PEOPLE!
Anyway, Dr. C. is scheduling bloodwork on in a few weeks to catch me midcycle and see where my hormones are at. AND he wants to do a pap, even though I'm not due for one until July. His concern is that abnormal pap I got on my first pregnancy visit with Leila, even though the follow-up was normal.
Let's just pray that Blue Cross/Blue Shield covers this. My health insurance has no maternity rider. Not that, at this point, it's me trying to get pregnant. I've no doubt that eventually it will evolve into that, but right now it's just about figuring out why my body is acting the way it is.
At this moment, I'm just emotionally drained. And more than due for a big glass of vino. I'll take that over a medal any day.
5.02.2010
Happy Mother's Day!
Did you know today is International Babyloss Mother's Day? If you know anyone who "celebrates" today, give them a hug. Share a tear. Let them talk to you about their precious angel.
Just be there. Even though our hearts and minds are elsewhere today, we still need that.
Happy Mother's Day to all the beautiful, supportive, caring, grieving babyloss mamas I've met over the past year. Love you all very much, and pray for you daily!
Just be there. Even though our hearts and minds are elsewhere today, we still need that.
Happy Mother's Day to all the beautiful, supportive, caring, grieving babyloss mamas I've met over the past year. Love you all very much, and pray for you daily!
3.25.2010
Just a Quick Note...
...to all my fellow BLM's - please head over to Dandelion Dreams and give Lindsy some love and support. She's not new to this journey, but she's just starting to speak out about her emotions. You're all such a supportive bunch! :)
3.07.2010
Invincible
Friday's seem to be the State of the Union in our marriage. We work, side by side, making upwards of 70 pepperoni pizzas to feed the hungry students of Troy Christian School. It's often the only time Yasar and I have to just talk.
This past Friday was enlightening. He made the statement, "Five years ago, we were invincible."
Money in the bank.
Credit scores in the high 700's.
Business sales were great.
Waiting until Andrew was 18 months old before adding to our family.
Building a new house.
What a difference 5 years can make. Foreclosure, bankruptcy, infertility, pregnancy loss, stagnant sales at the store. Bank account with nothing in it but moths.
Humility. Teamwork. Empathy. Growth and maturity that can only be earned through struggle. A love for each other that has been proven to withstand. A love for God that surpasses anything we've ever experienced. Those very painful lessons were clearly worth it.
Today, while singing "How Great Is Our God" at church, it became obvious. We've become invincible, finally. We are now invincible with God at our sides.
2 Cor 12:19 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
This past Friday was enlightening. He made the statement, "Five years ago, we were invincible."
Money in the bank.
Credit scores in the high 700's.
Business sales were great.
Waiting until Andrew was 18 months old before adding to our family.
Building a new house.
What a difference 5 years can make. Foreclosure, bankruptcy, infertility, pregnancy loss, stagnant sales at the store. Bank account with nothing in it but moths.
Humility. Teamwork. Empathy. Growth and maturity that can only be earned through struggle. A love for each other that has been proven to withstand. A love for God that surpasses anything we've ever experienced. Those very painful lessons were clearly worth it.
Today, while singing "How Great Is Our God" at church, it became obvious. We've become invincible, finally. We are now invincible with God at our sides.
2 Cor 12:19 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2.13.2010
The Shoe on the Other Foot
It was 2002.
My husband was the store manager of the D.omino's Pizza at Lockbourne and Williams in the south end of Columbus. I also worked there on my days off from my "real" job.
There was a 16-year-old girl working there. Amanda. Dating the assistant manager, 18-year-old Darrell.
It was like a bad country song. Amanda knew that Darrell was sleeping around on her, and she grew more and more clingy and needy, as a 16-year-old girl is wont to do.
She got pregnant with Darrell's baby.
Did getting pregnant cement Darrell's fidelity? Do pigs fly?
So needy, clingy Amanda became needy, clingy, pregnant Amanda. Working with her baby daddy who was bringing other girls to the store and flaunting them.
At 22 weeks, Amanda gave birth to a sleeping little girl.
I remember thinking that it was a blessing. One less baby in the welfare system. One more chance for Amanda to have a normal life. I never, for one second, considered that girl's pain.
Now I live that pain.
Granted, it's different. Amanda bounced back emotionally in record time. And caught pregnant with Darrell again in a few months.
I can't help but want to reach back through time and smack my sanctimonious self in the head.
So when I read comments like those on this post, I understand the perspective of someone who has never been blessed to be the mommy of an angel. And I pray that the lesson I had to learn the hard way doesn't have to repeat itself on them.
My husband was the store manager of the D.omino's Pizza at Lockbourne and Williams in the south end of Columbus. I also worked there on my days off from my "real" job.
There was a 16-year-old girl working there. Amanda. Dating the assistant manager, 18-year-old Darrell.
It was like a bad country song. Amanda knew that Darrell was sleeping around on her, and she grew more and more clingy and needy, as a 16-year-old girl is wont to do.
She got pregnant with Darrell's baby.
Did getting pregnant cement Darrell's fidelity? Do pigs fly?
So needy, clingy Amanda became needy, clingy, pregnant Amanda. Working with her baby daddy who was bringing other girls to the store and flaunting them.
At 22 weeks, Amanda gave birth to a sleeping little girl.
I remember thinking that it was a blessing. One less baby in the welfare system. One more chance for Amanda to have a normal life. I never, for one second, considered that girl's pain.
Now I live that pain.
Granted, it's different. Amanda bounced back emotionally in record time. And caught pregnant with Darrell again in a few months.
I can't help but want to reach back through time and smack my sanctimonious self in the head.
So when I read comments like those on this post, I understand the perspective of someone who has never been blessed to be the mommy of an angel. And I pray that the lesson I had to learn the hard way doesn't have to repeat itself on them.
2.10.2010
Hey Jealousy!
I've finally found the perfect shelf for Leila's things.
It's a work in progress. More pictures on that to come.
Yasar and I were discussing the project, and he said how jealous Andrew is of me doing things like this.
I was absolutely gobsmacked! Andrew's jealous of what little I have of my daughter? His sister?
Yes, according to Yasar Andrew doesn't like the attention I give to Leila's memory.
Okay, I can understand the tattoo. That's not really fair to get inked with her name and not his. And I concede on that point. As much as I want to, I'm not going under the needle this summer.
But in regards to the shelf, her pictures, the precious few tangible memories I have, he's just going to have to suck it up.
Anyone else faced this problem? Or am I alone?
It's a work in progress. More pictures on that to come.
Yasar and I were discussing the project, and he said how jealous Andrew is of me doing things like this.
I was absolutely gobsmacked! Andrew's jealous of what little I have of my daughter? His sister?
Yes, according to Yasar Andrew doesn't like the attention I give to Leila's memory.
Okay, I can understand the tattoo. That's not really fair to get inked with her name and not his. And I concede on that point. As much as I want to, I'm not going under the needle this summer.
But in regards to the shelf, her pictures, the precious few tangible memories I have, he's just going to have to suck it up.
Anyone else faced this problem? Or am I alone?
2.02.2010
The Health Department
We babyloss mamas all have (at least) one place we avoid like the plague. Because it's filled with memories. And those memories have teeth.
Yesterday I had to walk through those doors, right into the assault.
The bill for the yearly license for the store was due. I tried to focus straight ahead to the window I needed to go to.
But as I passed the left-turn I'd in the past made for the WIC department. The Help Me Grow door. Where I took my official pregnancy test and applied for Medicaid because we had no maternity coverage.
I remembered the last time I walked that hallway. When I returned my WIC coupons. When I'd told the office clerk that my baby had died.
For a moment, she was speechless. I pushed those vouchers into her hand. She insisted on talking to me about their postpartum program. I fled the room, the office, the building.
Our worlds are seeded with emotional landmines.
What's yours?
Yesterday I had to walk through those doors, right into the assault.
The bill for the yearly license for the store was due. I tried to focus straight ahead to the window I needed to go to.
But as I passed the left-turn I'd in the past made for the WIC department. The Help Me Grow door. Where I took my official pregnancy test and applied for Medicaid because we had no maternity coverage.
I remembered the last time I walked that hallway. When I returned my WIC coupons. When I'd told the office clerk that my baby had died.
For a moment, she was speechless. I pushed those vouchers into her hand. She insisted on talking to me about their postpartum program. I fled the room, the office, the building.
Our worlds are seeded with emotional landmines.
What's yours?
1.31.2010
Changing
Listening to K-Love this morning,
Steven Curtis Chapman singing "Live Out Loud".
Such a lighthearted song.
It occurred to me how much it's unlike his new album.
He's more somber now.
Subdued. Introspective.
I feel the same way.
Hope's Mama put it well, how much losing a child changes you.
It's true. I'm nowhere close to being the same person I was.
I wonder if the people I knew years ago would even recognize me.
But what are we, except the sum of our experiences?
I pray that I'm reflecting the Lord's light through my grief and healing.
Steven Curtis Chapman singing "Live Out Loud".
Such a lighthearted song.
It occurred to me how much it's unlike his new album.
He's more somber now.
Subdued. Introspective.
I feel the same way.
Hope's Mama put it well, how much losing a child changes you.
It's true. I'm nowhere close to being the same person I was.
I wonder if the people I knew years ago would even recognize me.
But what are we, except the sum of our experiences?
I pray that I'm reflecting the Lord's light through my grief and healing.
1.18.2010
Human
This journey is unlike anything I've ever imagined myself walking.
I have moments when I'm so angry with God I can't even see straight.
It's impossible to fathom why He chose this route for my life.
And I'm only human. Created in His image, yes. But still prone to falling. To self-centeredness. To thinking I could do this better than Him, given the chance.
But I lack His all-encompassing vision to see the broader picture.
I went to bed last night with a heavy, heavy heart. And, despite my rant, I still found myself praying.
Not apologizing. He understands my pain. Even feels it Himself.
But praying for my new friends, walking this same road with me. Praying for my husband and my son. Thanking God for what I have instead of focusing on the opposite.
Yes, I did behave like a child last night, ranting on the blog. And don't you know that image of a child having a temper tantrum was in my head all day long? Me, throwing myself to the ground, kicking and screaming, while my Father looked on, feeling my pain but knowing He couldn't give me what I wanted because it wasn't best for me. Oh, yes, it was.
I'm not going to pull down last night's post. I'm human, and struggling my way through this. I'm not a saint. I could sit there and pull the pious face and never let you know the turmoil underneath.
It would even be easier than letting you see what's truly inside.
I have moments when I'm so angry with God I can't even see straight.
It's impossible to fathom why He chose this route for my life.
And I'm only human. Created in His image, yes. But still prone to falling. To self-centeredness. To thinking I could do this better than Him, given the chance.
But I lack His all-encompassing vision to see the broader picture.
I went to bed last night with a heavy, heavy heart. And, despite my rant, I still found myself praying.
Not apologizing. He understands my pain. Even feels it Himself.
But praying for my new friends, walking this same road with me. Praying for my husband and my son. Thanking God for what I have instead of focusing on the opposite.
Yes, I did behave like a child last night, ranting on the blog. And don't you know that image of a child having a temper tantrum was in my head all day long? Me, throwing myself to the ground, kicking and screaming, while my Father looked on, feeling my pain but knowing He couldn't give me what I wanted because it wasn't best for me. Oh, yes, it was.
I'm not going to pull down last night's post. I'm human, and struggling my way through this. I'm not a saint. I could sit there and pull the pious face and never let you know the turmoil underneath.
It would even be easier than letting you see what's truly inside.
1.17.2010
God? You suck!
Sorry if that shocks you, reader. But that's just how I'm feeling today.
I was really praying HARD for this month to be "the month".
You see, our house is up for Sheriff's Sale 2/24. Which means we're probably going to be moving 3/1-ish.
I still have all the stuff I bought for Leila in the spare bedroom.
I got pregnant this time last year, so I really wanted to get pregnant NOW so that I could still use that stuff.
We're moving into a smaller place, so I either needed to NEED that stuff or get rid of it.
And, since Aunt Flo arrived today, I guess I'll be donating it.
God, I can't even fathom why you chose to put me through this.
IT'S SO F-ING UNFAIR!!!
Before that positive pregnancy test last year, I was *happy* with just one child. I had resigned myself to infertility and accepted my lot.
Then You throw this curve ball at me. And let me fall in love with the idea of being a mommy again.
Let me get past the dreaded 14-week mark, so I could breathe a sigh of relief and feel safe.
Let me find out I'm expecting a daughter, the little dark-haired girl I'd always dreamed of.
Let my husband and son get all excited.
And then You yanked her away from us.
And now, 7 months later, I'm back to struggling through infertility again.
I don't know what I did to piss You off so badly, to make you want to punish me like this!
I NEVER ask You for anything! We're losing our house, we've got no income to speak of! We're still struggling to keep our business afloat! Yet, through all that, I've NEVER asked You for help!
I ask You for one little thing, the thing that so many women take for granted. And You shut me down.
Pardon me if I'm not the president of Your fan club right now.
I'm not turning away from You - I'm just going to take a little hiatus tonight.
I was really praying HARD for this month to be "the month".
You see, our house is up for Sheriff's Sale 2/24. Which means we're probably going to be moving 3/1-ish.
I still have all the stuff I bought for Leila in the spare bedroom.
I got pregnant this time last year, so I really wanted to get pregnant NOW so that I could still use that stuff.
We're moving into a smaller place, so I either needed to NEED that stuff or get rid of it.
And, since Aunt Flo arrived today, I guess I'll be donating it.
God, I can't even fathom why you chose to put me through this.
IT'S SO F-ING UNFAIR!!!
Before that positive pregnancy test last year, I was *happy* with just one child. I had resigned myself to infertility and accepted my lot.
Then You throw this curve ball at me. And let me fall in love with the idea of being a mommy again.
Let me get past the dreaded 14-week mark, so I could breathe a sigh of relief and feel safe.
Let me find out I'm expecting a daughter, the little dark-haired girl I'd always dreamed of.
Let my husband and son get all excited.
And then You yanked her away from us.
And now, 7 months later, I'm back to struggling through infertility again.
I don't know what I did to piss You off so badly, to make you want to punish me like this!
I NEVER ask You for anything! We're losing our house, we've got no income to speak of! We're still struggling to keep our business afloat! Yet, through all that, I've NEVER asked You for help!
I ask You for one little thing, the thing that so many women take for granted. And You shut me down.
Pardon me if I'm not the president of Your fan club right now.
I'm not turning away from You - I'm just going to take a little hiatus tonight.
1.15.2010
Lifting You Up
So many of you are scared right now.
Or sad.
A few of you have a new glimmer of hope, and a whole new laundry list of worries.
One of you has been given your gift, but your laundry list is still there, just in a different way.
Some are still nursing a broken heart.
Raising your voices to God and asking "why me?"
Some are still brokenhearted, but accepting of God's Plan.
A few are walking this journey without God's comfort.
Please know that I lift you up to the Lord by name daily.
And it's so nice to be able to say, "Lord, please be with ______ today. I don't know what she needs right now, but I love that You are very aware of what that need is, and You can provide it. Please be with her, and hold her through this."
He loves us, Oh how He loves us!
Sending all my sisters so much love and prayers....
Or sad.
A few of you have a new glimmer of hope, and a whole new laundry list of worries.
One of you has been given your gift, but your laundry list is still there, just in a different way.
Some are still nursing a broken heart.
Raising your voices to God and asking "why me?"
Some are still brokenhearted, but accepting of God's Plan.
A few are walking this journey without God's comfort.
Please know that I lift you up to the Lord by name daily.
And it's so nice to be able to say, "Lord, please be with ______ today. I don't know what she needs right now, but I love that You are very aware of what that need is, and You can provide it. Please be with her, and hold her through this."
He loves us, Oh how He loves us!
Sending all my sisters so much love and prayers....
1.13.2010
Motives?
Holly just posted about her being able to offer comfort to someone else in the depths of grief.
That really got me thinking.
I'm grateful that Leila happened so early in my life.
I have many years and almost unlimited opportunities to reach out to others.
To tread water with them.
Sometimes it feels selfish.
I have a chance to make Leila's life and death mean something.
Even if it's only to me.
I hate that I've gone through this.
But I'm determined to make the tragedy worthwhile.
Is that wrong?
It's not a rhetorical question - if you have an opinion, I'd love to hear it.
That really got me thinking.
I'm grateful that Leila happened so early in my life.
I have many years and almost unlimited opportunities to reach out to others.
To tread water with them.
Sometimes it feels selfish.
I have a chance to make Leila's life and death mean something.
Even if it's only to me.
I hate that I've gone through this.
But I'm determined to make the tragedy worthwhile.
Is that wrong?
It's not a rhetorical question - if you have an opinion, I'd love to hear it.
1.06.2010
Leila's Collage
Jessica, thank you. It's so beautiful. We'd been looking for something to frame, and this is perfect! God bless you!
12.29.2009
Almost
Today Andrew and I met some friends at Boonshoft Museum for a playdate/mommy get together. We had a great, pretty unremarkable time - until the last 15 minutes.
We were on our way out when this darling little brunette girl, probably around 3-4 years old, came up to me with a very sad look in her eyes. It turns out somehow she got separated from her family. My friend Christine went to the office to grab an employee (we were on the second floor, and the little girl wouldn't go to the office on the first floor with us - as it should be, mom taught her well not to leave with strangers). The employee came and took her downstairs to the office, Andrew practically glued to her side. He was not letting that little girl out of his sight!
They didn't even get around to paging her mom over the loudspeaker before a distraught woman barged into the office to claim her lost daughter. Andrew was right there through the whole thing, and we were within sight of the whole reunion as we browsed the adjoining giftshop.
Andrew came up to me after mom and daughter went back to having fun. He said, "mom, I almost had a sister".
Ouch. All that time, I thought he was just being protective. But I guess he was of the "finders, keepers" mindset, waiting for that little girl to be unclaimed so we could take her home with us.
And then the employee who reunited the mom and daughter had to come over and compliment me on Andrew's manners, and made a comment about how he said he had a sister but she died.
Of course I start to tear up (in fact, I'm doing it right now). I don't often see how Leila has affected Andrew...but when I do, it's so painful for me.
We talked about it on the way home, about how taking a girl from her mommy would be wrong, and God would be bringing us our own little girl. My advice to him was to pray about it. God has a way of listening to that child. I said it was up to God to give us that gift.
And he said, "but it's up to you and daddy to do....um...that thing I'm not allowed to talk about."
Weirdest feeling in the world, crying and giggling at the same time.
We were on our way out when this darling little brunette girl, probably around 3-4 years old, came up to me with a very sad look in her eyes. It turns out somehow she got separated from her family. My friend Christine went to the office to grab an employee (we were on the second floor, and the little girl wouldn't go to the office on the first floor with us - as it should be, mom taught her well not to leave with strangers). The employee came and took her downstairs to the office, Andrew practically glued to her side. He was not letting that little girl out of his sight!
They didn't even get around to paging her mom over the loudspeaker before a distraught woman barged into the office to claim her lost daughter. Andrew was right there through the whole thing, and we were within sight of the whole reunion as we browsed the adjoining giftshop.
Andrew came up to me after mom and daughter went back to having fun. He said, "mom, I almost had a sister".
Ouch. All that time, I thought he was just being protective. But I guess he was of the "finders, keepers" mindset, waiting for that little girl to be unclaimed so we could take her home with us.
And then the employee who reunited the mom and daughter had to come over and compliment me on Andrew's manners, and made a comment about how he said he had a sister but she died.
Of course I start to tear up (in fact, I'm doing it right now). I don't often see how Leila has affected Andrew...but when I do, it's so painful for me.
We talked about it on the way home, about how taking a girl from her mommy would be wrong, and God would be bringing us our own little girl. My advice to him was to pray about it. God has a way of listening to that child. I said it was up to God to give us that gift.
And he said, "but it's up to you and daddy to do....um...that thing I'm not allowed to talk about."
Weirdest feeling in the world, crying and giggling at the same time.
12.06.2009
Tag....I'm It.
Church today - two birth announcements in the bulletin.
Someone wrote on my FB wall, and when I went to reply via wall-to-wall, it pulled up the last time we'd posted that way. Back in March. I was all a-bubble about how Andrew was coming to the next OB visit to see the ultrasound, to see his little sister for the first time.
I mostly stay ahead of my grief.
But today it's catching up with me. It's reaching for me, ready to tag me.
I don't think about how this Christmas "should" be. I don't let my mind go there.
I just feel the stark emptiness in my arms.
I miss her today.
Someone wrote on my FB wall, and when I went to reply via wall-to-wall, it pulled up the last time we'd posted that way. Back in March. I was all a-bubble about how Andrew was coming to the next OB visit to see the ultrasound, to see his little sister for the first time.
I mostly stay ahead of my grief.
But today it's catching up with me. It's reaching for me, ready to tag me.
I don't think about how this Christmas "should" be. I don't let my mind go there.
I just feel the stark emptiness in my arms.
I miss her today.
11.07.2009
Walking With You - Thankful
Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. Walking With You is a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child who gather together each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.This month we are focusing on our gratefulness for the gifts we were given and the ways our lives were changed by the lives of our babies. I know that many people are busy, so this can be as simple or in-depth as you wish. I hope you will link your own post with us, sharing ways that you are thankful. I do think that reflecting on gratefulness is very valuable...especially in the throes of grief. Grief is big and consuming. The simplicity of counting our blessings refocuses a grieving heart from the giants of pain, sorrow, and hopelessness to the hope, comfort, peace, and eventually joy that waits for us on the other side of the valley. The comfort that waits for us in the arms of our Savior.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.- Refrain:
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
- Refrain:
- Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by. - When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings—wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high. - So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.
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I am thankful. As weird as those words taste to me, and probably sound to you, I am. I have been blessed in uncountable ways by my daughter's short life and Homecoming.
I have received comfort. From friends, from acquaintances. From perfect strangers. From God.
I have been richly gifted with new friends. My eyes have been opened to the value of the friends I'd already claimed. The support I've been given has sustained me, and held me upright through this process.
I'm so lucky it happened to me here. In Troy, Ohio. God put us in the perfect place to weather this storm. He surrounded us with caring people in the midst of our despair. He brought me to the one hospital with the one nurse with the ministry of photography and a heart for those tiny, tiny angels. He provided nurses who genuinely hurt for us, and weren't afraid to show it. An OB with a heart. When I look back at everything that happened, I cannot help but praise Him ~ He has well and truly provided.
I'm grateful this happened to me, not to someone I love. I am not strong enough to watch one of my friends go through this. That takes a special person. I'm so fortunate to have a few of those special people in my life. Too many others watch their friends fade away because they don't know how to bridge the gap after a loss like this. My friends are brave. They persevered. I am blessed beyond measure.
I'd been given hope where there had been none. I was resigned to infertility. Now I know it can happen. And, even better, God told me it will happen again.
I'm so thankful for the gift of my daughter. Leila Mae. I love her. Love to say that name. Right now, I have the memories, and when I die, I'll have her companionship. I guess that's a future gift, something to look forward to. A "Now and Later".
I've received the gift of experience. Knowing what this is like. Feeling it for myself. It's given me a depth of compassion I lacked.
And I've been given the opportunity to reach out to others going through this. How great is that!?!?
I Cor 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our troubles,
so that we can comfort those in any trouble
with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
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