Leila's Collage

Jessica, thank you. It's so beautiful. We'd been looking for something to frame, and this is perfect! God bless you!

Stepping Out In Faith

Generosity has been the topic in church these last few weeks.

It's a conviction that's constantly stabbing my heart. It's been a long time since we've had an income to tithe from. I hate not being able to give what I owe, especially to God.

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, God spoke to me. He asked me to believe in Him, to trust Him.

My little cheesecake venture was just getting off the ground.

So I promised Him that every penny I took in between then and the next Sunday would go into our church's harvest offering.

That was so hard. Especially when I needed ingredients to fill incoming orders and didn't really have the money to pay for them. It felt like Satan was tempting me at every turn that week.

But I kept my promise. I walked proudly and tearfully to the front of the church that next Sunday with my husband at my side, our envelope containing our widow's mite clutched in our hands.

I believed that God would bless me for my faithfulness. I believed that it would be a blessing in the form of more cheesecake orders.

And it was. The few days between Sunday and Wednesday were exhausting. I made and sold 24 cheesecakes in 4 days. I am so grateful to God for His faithfulness.

But that wasn't all. I don't necessarily believe in prosperity gospel, but God made a solid argument for it Monday.

The church secretary stopped at the store to give Yasar and I an envelope that was left for us at the church.

An anonymous envelope. Containing $500 cash.

If I could explain the thoughts and emotions that I experienced, opening that envelope. My Father cares so deeply for me. How He loves us!

I know He will carry is through this next test. The one that's no longer on the horizon. It's here.

The store is failing. Whether it's due to the economy, or the new competition moving into town, it doesn't really matter. We've had two of the worst weeks imaginable, and no resources to pull from to make it up. We need a miracle of Biblical proportions to keep the business going.

And I think about the foreclosure, and the fact that our house is up for sheriff's sale, but is not yet on the list. I wonder if this isn't God's timing. His plan. It all fits together a little too conveniently to pass it off as coincidence.

My mom told me yesterday that my dad's got an appointment with the heart specialist this week. That his PCP ran an EKG on him and must have a concern with the results. A few years ago he had a quadruple bypass, and he's an uncontrolled diabetic.

I wonder if God's not setting the stage for us to move back to Pennsylvania.

I trust Him. Whatever is coming, He's shown me in a very palpable way that He's in control.

Stepping out in faith is becoming a habit.

Walking With You - Thankful

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. Walking With You is a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child who gather together each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

This month we are focusing on our gratefulness for the gifts we were given and the ways our lives were changed by the lives of our babies. I know that many people are busy, so this can be as simple or in-depth as you wish. I hope you will link your own post with us, sharing ways that you are thankful. I do think that reflecting on gratefulness is very valuable...especially in the throes of grief. Grief is big and consuming. The simplicity of counting our blessings refocuses a grieving heart from the giants of pain, sorrow, and hopelessness to the hope, comfort, peace, and eventually joy that waits for us on the other side of the valley. The comfort that waits for us in the arms of our Savior.

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1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
   When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
   Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
   And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
   • Refrain:
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
     
2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
   Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
   Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
   And you will keep singing as the days go by.
3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
   Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
   Count your many blessings—wealth can never buy
   Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
4. So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
   Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
   Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
   Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

~Count Your Blessings, Johnson Oatman Jr, 1897

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I am thankful. As weird as those words taste to me, and probably sound to you, I am. I have been blessed in uncountable ways by my daughter's short life and Homecoming.

I have received comfort. From friends, from acquaintances. From perfect strangers. From God.

I have been richly gifted with new friends. My eyes have been opened to the value of the friends I'd already claimed. The support I've been given has sustained me, and held me upright through this process.

I'm so lucky it happened to me here. In Troy, Ohio. God put us in the perfect place to weather this storm. He surrounded us with caring people in the midst of our despair. He brought me to the one hospital with the one nurse with the ministry of photography and a heart for those tiny, tiny angels. He provided nurses who genuinely hurt for us, and weren't afraid to show it. An OB with a heart. When I look back at everything that happened, I cannot help but praise Him ~ He has well and truly provided.

I'm grateful this happened to me, not to someone I love. I am not strong enough to watch one of my friends go through this. That takes a special person. I'm so fortunate to have a few of those special people in my life. Too many others watch their friends fade away because they don't know how to bridge the gap after a loss like this. My friends are brave. They persevered. I am blessed beyond measure.

I'd been given hope where there had been none. I was resigned to infertility. Now I know it can happen. And, even better, God told me it will happen again.

I'm so thankful for the gift of my daughter. Leila Mae. I love her. Love to say that name. Right now, I have the memories, and when I die, I'll have her companionship. I guess that's a future gift, something to look forward to. A "Now and Later".

I've received the gift of experience. Knowing what this is like. Feeling it for myself. It's given me a depth of compassion I lacked.

And I've been given the opportunity to reach out to others going through this. How great is that!?!?

I Cor 1:3-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our troubles,
so that we can comfort those in any trouble
with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

A New Perspective

God has been working hard to get me to see something.

This past week has been a sad one. Lots of tears, more anger than I want to admit. But in the interest of full disclosure, I'm mad at God. Disgusted with Him right now. He's failed me. Left me with this broken heart instead of the precious child I expected.

A friend dropped off a book for me.

Safe In the Arms of God.

At first I scoffed. I've never questioned where Leila is today. My pain has never been about that question. It's been completely selfish.

I hurt. How do I deal with that?

Halfway through the book, it started to make sense.

I should be rejoicing that Leila will never experience a moment of disappointment. A tiny bit of pain. A fraction of anger.

I should be ecstatic that she's whole. Perfect. Mature. In God's Presence.

Cherished in heaven, far more than she could ever have been here on earth.

Then the pastor's sermon today, about rejoicing through grief.

The beauty of being a child of God, knowing our pain is temporary. Someday it will be gone, never to return. Being reminded that God may be using my grief as a teaching tool, honing me for some purpose. Causing me to rely completely on Him. Refocusing me.

And the clincher. K-Love's Encouraging Word for today:

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, NLT

Clearly He's trying to get through to me.

I've had more peace today than in the last few weeks.

I just pray it continues.

I Think I Get It Now....

I've done a complete 180 in the last few days, from dreading the Big Bad Due Date to actually anticipating it.

Because I'm planning to take that day and make it in honor of my Leila, but instead of moping, I'll be honoring her in a positive way.

By helping someone else.

So many other Glory Mommies do this:

Lea and her angel wings,

Bree and her butterflies,

Stephanie and her t-shirts (which are on my Christmas list),

Deborah and her hankies,

Kelly and her memory books and bears,

Celia and her blankets and hats,

Heather and her blog that offers support to new angel mommies,

my girl Anita and her amazing photography skills ~ without which, I'd have horrible memories of my baby. I love that I don't remember her, just the pictures you took of her.

And I know I'm missing a few others out there.

I think of these amazing women, and I finally understand.

They get through their grief by giving back. It's the only way they can make some sense of their loss. A healing balm.

And I'm taking my cue from them.

Leila, your due date is going to be a celebration of you. And I know in my heart that you're much happier with that decision than you would be with me staying in bed all day and crying.

It will be a day with tears, but also a day with smiles, hugs, and "thank you's". A day to look forward to.

Thank you to my examples. I love you ladies, and I wouldn't be where I am without your support.

Habakkuk 3:17-19 (NIV)

¹⁷ Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

¹⁹ The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.

Far

I relate to Job right now.

God feels so far away.

I know He's there, but He's out of arm's reach

and I need to put my arms around him Right Now.

I crave that feeling, that it's all going to work out

for the best.

Because right now the future's hard to see.

Hazy. Tainted.

And the past is no comfort.

Thinking back on this year,

I'm glad I'm not the "Family Update Letter" sort

to go along with my Christmas cards.

I'd be tempted to print that baby on black, depressing paper.

Maybe with little skulls and crossbones.

Hah. Made myself chuckle there.

God, I know your Arms are as big as the universe.

And I know you're an insanely busy guy.

But could You possibly take a minute away from

all the other crises out there

and just hold me?

Beauty From Pain

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

~superchick

The Question I Was Afraid To Ask

Wednesday at the store brought a very special visitor. Anita, the OB nurse who took Leila's photographs, stopped in to say Hi and see how we were doing. My unlikely friend. She's kept up with me for these last two months, calling and leaving messages that she's praying for us. Listening when I just needed to talk. Another example of the many earthly blessings Leila has brought me.

Anita isn't just a talented photographer, or a very caring nurse. She also unbelievably gifted in the art of listening. I should say the dying art of listening. She got me talking about what I would have done differently, hindsight being what it is.

Regrets, I have a few. Things I wish I would have done with Leila. Like brought something personal for her, and have her pictures taken with it. To have been more present, and fought off the numbness. Slept with her. Held her through the night. To have insisted on the nurse breaking the amniotic sac and give her to me as soon as she was born.

All this time, I'd been under the impression that Leila was a live birth, and died on the warmer. Alone, wrapped in a towel.

And I said as much to Anita. I wished I would have held her until she went Home.

Anita dropped the bomb on me. Leila was stillborn.

I don't know how to feel about that. Betrayed, that my body killed her by putting her through labor when she was clearly too small to survive the contractions?

Or relieved, that I was holding her as she went to Jesus. True, not in my arms. But she was never alone.

Anita's a cancer survivor, and she has an amazing faith in God. She left me with these beautiful laminated cards with the precious scriptures that got her through her recovery, to help me get through mine. I treasure them, they stay in my purse so I'm never far from them. They're always at the ready when I need a dose of comfort.

Thank you, Anita. God bless you.

For Genevive

Sending out a request to all. Please visit Genevive's website here, and, if you can, contribute something to her headstone (there's a button on my blog for ChipIn, or you can visit her ChipIn page here).

In a nutshell, Genevive and Lily were premature twins. Lily thrived, while Genevive was struck down with a necrotic bowel. Mom and dad are dealing with new parenthood, grief, and financial hardship all at the same time. Mom's greatest wish is to give Genevive the headstone she deserves.

My greatest wish for Genevive's mom is that she doesn't feel hopeless about her daughter's unadorned cemetary plot anymore.

If you can, if God leads you, please join me.

God Responds

I got in the car this morning, heading out to pick up the morning paper (no, not church. The last thing I want to do is cry my way through the service). And I prayed for an answer, for God to speak. Turned on K-Love, and this is what I got...

...and I've questioned everything that I believe.
Still even here, in this gray darkness
Comfort and hope come breaking through,
As I can say, in life or death, God, we belong to you!

We are Yours, God
Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky, to the depths of the ocean floor.
It's all Yours, God
Yours, God
Everything is Yours
All the greatness and power, glory and splendor and majesty
Everything is Yours
It's all Yours!

My pain, my immense grief. Every tear. Leila's life, her memories.

The victory we will someday celebrate over this evil.

It's all Yours. I guess I really needded to be reminded of that. Thank you, God.

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And, as a side note, Yasar was just asking me about my God-Bomb before I got in the car. I don't think I've written about this, but God spoke to me about a month ago. While I was absorbed in painful thoughts, watching other children play at the Cincy Childrens Museum and grieving that our chance at having another child was gone, He told me we were not done. Yasar was asking me if I was sure it was God, and not Satan playing on our emotions. Which makes joining that song at that particular moment even more meaningful to me. I believe He will give us another healthy child. I won't waiver, I won't question it.