As the days tick down to Leila's birthday, it seems like all the grieving "progress" is going down the tubes.
I'm weepy. Always on the verge of tearing up. Oversensitive.
Is this normal?
The first line of "I Will Carry You" just echoes in my head.
"There were photographs I wanted to take..."
That photo of Leila at about 6 months old,
forehead to forehead with Yasar,
a little pink bow in her hair,
a look of adoration in his eyes.
I wanted to take that photograph so badly.
Usually it's hard to separate the sadness of infertility from the sadness of having a daughter in heaven.
That's not been the case lately.
I can SEE her in my mind. And I miss her so intensely.
God, please give my little girl a hug for me. Tell her how much I love her.
Showing posts with label Yasar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Yasar. Show all posts
4.14.2010
3.07.2010
Invincible
Friday's seem to be the State of the Union in our marriage. We work, side by side, making upwards of 70 pepperoni pizzas to feed the hungry students of Troy Christian School. It's often the only time Yasar and I have to just talk.
This past Friday was enlightening. He made the statement, "Five years ago, we were invincible."
Money in the bank.
Credit scores in the high 700's.
Business sales were great.
Waiting until Andrew was 18 months old before adding to our family.
Building a new house.
What a difference 5 years can make. Foreclosure, bankruptcy, infertility, pregnancy loss, stagnant sales at the store. Bank account with nothing in it but moths.
Humility. Teamwork. Empathy. Growth and maturity that can only be earned through struggle. A love for each other that has been proven to withstand. A love for God that surpasses anything we've ever experienced. Those very painful lessons were clearly worth it.
Today, while singing "How Great Is Our God" at church, it became obvious. We've become invincible, finally. We are now invincible with God at our sides.
2 Cor 12:19 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
This past Friday was enlightening. He made the statement, "Five years ago, we were invincible."
Money in the bank.
Credit scores in the high 700's.
Business sales were great.
Waiting until Andrew was 18 months old before adding to our family.
Building a new house.
What a difference 5 years can make. Foreclosure, bankruptcy, infertility, pregnancy loss, stagnant sales at the store. Bank account with nothing in it but moths.
Humility. Teamwork. Empathy. Growth and maturity that can only be earned through struggle. A love for each other that has been proven to withstand. A love for God that surpasses anything we've ever experienced. Those very painful lessons were clearly worth it.
Today, while singing "How Great Is Our God" at church, it became obvious. We've become invincible, finally. We are now invincible with God at our sides.
2 Cor 12:19 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2.14.2010
To My Husband
The day God created you,
He had a special plan.
He knew that you would fit so well
With a girl in a distant land.
Through growing up, and moving out,
Life experiences like notches on a belt.
Learning lessons that would one day
Serve them, together, in a special way.
One day the girl got a new job,
Wendy’s would be her new profession.
And this dashing man, a professional fry-guy,
Would be her new obsession.
But the two didn’t understand each other,
The language proved a barrier.
So they moved in different directions,
Regretfully passing in two different futures.
A few years passed, higher education desired,
A fateful meeting at college.
The language barrier diminished,
A renewed affection acknowledged.
What to say about those first days?
A new love affair is so exciting!
They fell for each other while driving.
Alas, it is never so easy as it should be,
Trouble came in the form of their families.
Decisions to make, where do their hearts lie?
They clung to each other, hoping to deny.
A long-distance move, was it a mistake?
A college apartment, poverty, dismay.
Struggle, anger, fights, and tears,
Immaturity was the order of the day.
One day a decision was made,
To separate one into two.
They weren’t ready to promise
A lifetime of being a couple.
A few months went by, independence.
They learned to be without the other.
Then one blustery February morning,
Cupid again brought them together.
Should they stay? Should they split?
The compatibility was still so obvious!
Falling back into old habits,
Comfortable, like well worn pajamas.
Two became one again, as God had intended.
A wedding was being planned.
A special surprise, the best one ever,
Sealed them as a family forever.
One May afternoon, in front of family,
They committed to be married.
The beach, a helicopter ride, Pet Star,
Two with a third in the waiting.
Spring turned to summer, summer to fall,
The girl’s waistline expanding,
A trip to the hospital, pain, exhilaration,
Evidence of God’s perfect blessing.
A little boy, the center of the world,
With his daddy’s beautiful eyes.
Their hearts, so full of love, overflowed,
The precious gift entrusted to them.
A move, a business, a baby becoming a child,
Struggle, conflict, problems and solutions.
Mortgage, taxes, utilities, and adulthood.
They face them together, united.
In my heart, I am always grateful
To God for His infinite forethought
The day, on the other side of the world,
That you became you, destined for me. For us.
12.25.2009
Christmas 2009
Before the chaos begins.
Thank you, Nanny! I love it!
And Aunt Beth, I couldn't wait to put this on!
My bling-bling from Andrew. I'm gonna need a security guard to walk around with this on!
(hmmm, I wonder if he's a Bengals fan...)
Fun to decorate, not-so-fun to eat.
Tiger's glad the presents are gone so he can get back to normal.
Making kibbe with daddy.
Happy Birthday, Jesus!
My candles burned all day, remembering my little angel, and the angels of all my friends. Merry Christmas, my Leila. I know you're celebrating at an awesome birthday party in heaven!
8.27.2009
Inappropriate
I'm putting together some pictures to send to Yasar's family in Syria. And I asked if it'd be appropriate to send a picture of Leila.
Negative.
I cannot make myself think of our little miracle as inappropriate. She was a beautiful, precious little human being. A blood relative. Just because she didn't survive, she's not worth counting as a member of our family? At what point would she have been considered appropriate? If she drew breath? Cried her first cry?
Sometimes I struggle to understand my husband's culture. And sometimes I just throw up my hands and try to accept. But this time, it just hurts.
Negative.
I cannot make myself think of our little miracle as inappropriate. She was a beautiful, precious little human being. A blood relative. Just because she didn't survive, she's not worth counting as a member of our family? At what point would she have been considered appropriate? If she drew breath? Cried her first cry?
Sometimes I struggle to understand my husband's culture. And sometimes I just throw up my hands and try to accept. But this time, it just hurts.
8.22.2009
A Vet Story
Yesterday Tiger went in for another bolus of fluid to get him through the weekend. It was a drop-off thing, so I went and hung out with Hubs at Domino's until Tiger was all done.
When I went back, there were a few people in front of me for service. A very nice woman with a sick little Yorkie and I were chatting, and we both noticed a young woman and her significant other come out of one of the exam rooms, completely distraught and in tears.
We both shook our heads and said a little prayer for them, and for us.
So Crystal, the super-nice front desk lady, is settling my account up. And we're talking about how good it was that Yasar got to talk to the vet earlier, that he sort of gets what's going on and he'll feel a little better about the financial side of this situation. I was saying that this is all new to Yasar, in Syria they treat animals like animals, not like members of the family. They don't spend this kind of money trying to keep a pet alive and comfortable.
Crystal kind of looks at me out of the corner of her eye and says, "well, if he gets upset, just tell him about those people you just saw. The ones that were crying. She just authorized us to perform a $350 leg amputation surgery.....on her hamster."
I was proud of myself - I actually controlled myself for almost 30 seconds before I just cracked up.
Only in America...
When I went back, there were a few people in front of me for service. A very nice woman with a sick little Yorkie and I were chatting, and we both noticed a young woman and her significant other come out of one of the exam rooms, completely distraught and in tears.
We both shook our heads and said a little prayer for them, and for us.
So Crystal, the super-nice front desk lady, is settling my account up. And we're talking about how good it was that Yasar got to talk to the vet earlier, that he sort of gets what's going on and he'll feel a little better about the financial side of this situation. I was saying that this is all new to Yasar, in Syria they treat animals like animals, not like members of the family. They don't spend this kind of money trying to keep a pet alive and comfortable.
Crystal kind of looks at me out of the corner of her eye and says, "well, if he gets upset, just tell him about those people you just saw. The ones that were crying. She just authorized us to perform a $350 leg amputation surgery.....on her hamster."
I was proud of myself - I actually controlled myself for almost 30 seconds before I just cracked up.
Only in America...
8.17.2009
The Crying Game
This whole weekend (and today) has been one sopping, tear-soaked moment followed by the next.
I miss my little girl SO BAD.
I desperately want to be pregnant again.
I can't for the life of me figure out what the flip is wrong with my family. And I'm rapidly getting to the point where I just don't give a crap anymore. You know who you are.
And I've just spent the last two hours mired in paperwork, the likes of which I never in my life expected to be filling out.
So I've got Eminem screaming in my ears, the only music on my mp3 player angry enough to match my mood right now.
Life's not fair.
People are throwing their newborns away, when I'd give everything I have to still have my little girl safe in my womb.
People get pregnant so easily, too easily, and then abort their babies.
Families should be supportive instead of drumming up unnecessary drama on a woman walking the edge of a high cliff. You'd think they'd understand that I'm still grieving and put aside their pathetic agendas for just one minute. But no, not mine.
I have all I need. My God, my husband, my son. Everything else is just noise.
But I've had so much to cry about this weekend. Seeing an old friend and meeting her new daughter, Piper. Church. Lots of deep conversations with Yasar. And nothing. Just crying for no particular reason.
I miss my little girl SO BAD.
I desperately want to be pregnant again.
I can't for the life of me figure out what the flip is wrong with my family. And I'm rapidly getting to the point where I just don't give a crap anymore. You know who you are.
And I've just spent the last two hours mired in paperwork, the likes of which I never in my life expected to be filling out.
So I've got Eminem screaming in my ears, the only music on my mp3 player angry enough to match my mood right now.
Life's not fair.
People are throwing their newborns away, when I'd give everything I have to still have my little girl safe in my womb.
People get pregnant so easily, too easily, and then abort their babies.
Families should be supportive instead of drumming up unnecessary drama on a woman walking the edge of a high cliff. You'd think they'd understand that I'm still grieving and put aside their pathetic agendas for just one minute. But no, not mine.
I have all I need. My God, my husband, my son. Everything else is just noise.
But I've had so much to cry about this weekend. Seeing an old friend and meeting her new daughter, Piper. Church. Lots of deep conversations with Yasar. And nothing. Just crying for no particular reason.
8.10.2009
8.04.2009
Oh, What A Weekend!
Yes, it's been quiet here at Mumblings. Why? Because we were in Pennsylvania for my family reunion! Lots of fun, some tears, and ~as always~ a little drama.
Andrew and his cousin Samuel with their ice cream-lipsticked smiles. 
My wonderful husband, who really enjoyed the family reunion (many thanks to Glen for making him feel welcome!), and my awesome sister-in-law, Chris.
My mom and my sister, Beth.
My dad (on left), hanging out with Uncle Warren and Lynn. And they say the old women gossip at these gatherings!
And having my baby girl recognized publicly at the reunion was a special gift. I'm very surprised you can't hear me crying while I record this moment. Thank you so much, Aunt Ginny!
Sunday was school shopping for Andrew at Old Navy. A hoodie, a button-down shirt, 3 t-shirts, 3 pairs of pants, a long-sleeved baseball shirt, sneakers, a romper (for a friend, don't get too excited), 2 fabric bags, and a pair of gold princess shoes (not pictured). Price? $107.13! Score!
Overall, we had a wonderful time with family and friends.
Ciao!
Andrew and his cousin Samuel with their ice cream-lipsticked smiles. 
My wonderful husband, who really enjoyed the family reunion (many thanks to Glen for making him feel welcome!), and my awesome sister-in-law, Chris.
My mom and my sister, Beth.
My dad (on left), hanging out with Uncle Warren and Lynn. And they say the old women gossip at these gatherings!And having my baby girl recognized publicly at the reunion was a special gift. I'm very surprised you can't hear me crying while I record this moment. Thank you so much, Aunt Ginny!
Sunday was school shopping for Andrew at Old Navy. A hoodie, a button-down shirt, 3 t-shirts, 3 pairs of pants, a long-sleeved baseball shirt, sneakers, a romper (for a friend, don't get too excited), 2 fabric bags, and a pair of gold princess shoes (not pictured). Price? $107.13! Score!Overall, we had a wonderful time with family and friends.
Ciao!
7.19.2009
Precious Moments
Kelly over at A Little Messed Up is a nosy broad. She wants to know what's going on in my photo folder, so she tagged me for a photo story. The rules are to go to your first photo folder and select the 10th photo to post along with a story. Here goes...
November 28, 2005. Fulton Farms. We just got done chopping down our very first Christmas tree to adorn our very first home. After strapping it onto the roof of the Saab, Yasar noticed a pen of sorts off to the side. Since the weather was awesome for that time of year, he decided to check it out with (then 2-year-old) Andrew. Why Fulton Farms has deer, no idea. And who knew deer love to eat Ritz crackers? It was a sweet moment between father and son, and a picture I love to look at (look how much smaller Andrew was! And Yasar's forehead! LOL!).
It's my duty and honor to tag 5 of you. So who's next?
Shannon at Mourning Into Dancing
Melissa at The MacMommy
Heather at It Only Hurts When I Breathe
Julie at Tales From the Eurovan (please come back to our bloggy-world! we miss you!)
and Pooji at Indian Thoughts
Can't wait to see what you all come up with! :)
November 28, 2005. Fulton Farms. We just got done chopping down our very first Christmas tree to adorn our very first home. After strapping it onto the roof of the Saab, Yasar noticed a pen of sorts off to the side. Since the weather was awesome for that time of year, he decided to check it out with (then 2-year-old) Andrew. Why Fulton Farms has deer, no idea. And who knew deer love to eat Ritz crackers? It was a sweet moment between father and son, and a picture I love to look at (look how much smaller Andrew was! And Yasar's forehead! LOL!).
It's my duty and honor to tag 5 of you. So who's next?
Shannon at Mourning Into Dancing
Melissa at The MacMommy
Heather at It Only Hurts When I Breathe
Julie at Tales From the Eurovan (please come back to our bloggy-world! we miss you!)
and Pooji at Indian Thoughts
Can't wait to see what you all come up with! :)
7.13.2009
Our Weekend
1. Andrew and Gianni, cousins and BFF's!
2. Me and the love of my life.
3. Yasar, Beth, and Andrew hanging out at Nolde's North Pond.
4. Joy and Anthony's Nuptials.
5. And an impromptu lesson in nature - if you feed raccoons out the back of your gas station, they keep coming back (no lie, here was something like 20 of them there!)
6.10.2009
Thankful
I believe God has used the trials this last month to teach me a lesson that I didn't know was necessary. It's about being thankful for what He's given me. I never really considered myself selfish, but I've definitely been pushed to the next level.
First and foremost, I have a Savior who loves me. Who grieves when I grieve, and rejoices when I rejoice. Who has given me something so precious, that I've spent the last 30ish years taking for granted. Being saved and looking forward to heaven has a whole new meaning to me now. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you so much.
My husband is such an incredible gift to me. I always marvel that God chose a man for me from the other side of the world (a sentiment I had the pleasure of sharing with his cousin and her American husband this past weekend). The years it took for Yasar and I to grow into each other, while I didn't understand it at the time, were another form of blessing. Yasar has been pivotal in teaching me how to be a Proverbs 31 woman, and how following God's Word for your life is, in itself, an amazing blessing.
Andrew, you are the light in my eyes. For years, I never thought I'd have children. I was too worried about my genetic makeup, and how it would be better to not propagate that DNA. But you, you are amazing. Bright, inquisitive, energetic, sweet and loving, not to mention devastatingly handsome, just looking at you makes me want to bust at the seams with pride. I am so fortunate to have you.
My last pregnancy and my daughter Leila has been a lesson of hope. For years Yasar and I had hoped for two lines on the pregnancy test, only to be disappointed month after month. God's timing is not our timing, you know? But, way back in February, when that miracle news happened, totally unexpected, God showed me that He's solidly in control. And, on May 21st, when Leila went home to be with Him, God taught me a whole new way to lean on Him.
My family has taught me some valuable lessons in support. From getting the 5am "I'm thinking of you" emails from Chris to having a new connection to my husband's family, our trials have made some new bridges, and some not-so-new bridges stronger. My parents, who offer strength. My sister, who does sympathy so well. All my bases are covered with them, and I consider myself so fortunate.
My friends are truly a gift from God. It's like He knew exactly what I'd need in my time here, and He had a different friend fill in every gap. Brenda is good at taking my mind off my problems, and keeping my kid busy for cheap. Christine is helping me get over my reluctance to be around babies, but in the most sensitive way. Shari brings the food - her role is pretty hazy now, I thing she's really uncomfortable with the whole pregnancy loss thing, but I have no doubt that God has plans for her. Jeanne loves to send me e-cards along with her support. Lisa is my rock. Having gone through something similar, she's almost like a guide, but also a soft shoulder. Joy just keeps me distracted and laughing. Melissa and Amy both push me into reality, that friends are going to keep having babies, and it's going to be okay - I'm not going to break by rejoicing with them. I also need to mention my cyber-friends, Tricia, Sheryl, Julie, Heather, Retriever, you guys and your comments get me through a lot of hard times, too. Thank you. :)
My support system has really gotten us to understand why God chose Troy for us. The people in our church are so incredible, their love and support seem to know no bounds. We've gotten so many cards, and offers of help, and baskets of cookies, and emails. And the OB and nurses who bore witness to Leila have been an incredible gift from God. Amazing that these people stay in touch, and continue to lift us up in prayer. We don't feel alone, even being so far from our families. That was God's plan, I guess.
So, thank you, God, for this ongoing lesson in thankfulness. I'm going to concentrate on seeking the silver linings in situations that would usually leave me in a negative place. If nothing else, I know that You're in control, and all things work together for good for those that love God (Rom 8:28).
First and foremost, I have a Savior who loves me. Who grieves when I grieve, and rejoices when I rejoice. Who has given me something so precious, that I've spent the last 30ish years taking for granted. Being saved and looking forward to heaven has a whole new meaning to me now. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you so much.
My husband is such an incredible gift to me. I always marvel that God chose a man for me from the other side of the world (a sentiment I had the pleasure of sharing with his cousin and her American husband this past weekend). The years it took for Yasar and I to grow into each other, while I didn't understand it at the time, were another form of blessing. Yasar has been pivotal in teaching me how to be a Proverbs 31 woman, and how following God's Word for your life is, in itself, an amazing blessing.
Andrew, you are the light in my eyes. For years, I never thought I'd have children. I was too worried about my genetic makeup, and how it would be better to not propagate that DNA. But you, you are amazing. Bright, inquisitive, energetic, sweet and loving, not to mention devastatingly handsome, just looking at you makes me want to bust at the seams with pride. I am so fortunate to have you.
My last pregnancy and my daughter Leila has been a lesson of hope. For years Yasar and I had hoped for two lines on the pregnancy test, only to be disappointed month after month. God's timing is not our timing, you know? But, way back in February, when that miracle news happened, totally unexpected, God showed me that He's solidly in control. And, on May 21st, when Leila went home to be with Him, God taught me a whole new way to lean on Him.
My family has taught me some valuable lessons in support. From getting the 5am "I'm thinking of you" emails from Chris to having a new connection to my husband's family, our trials have made some new bridges, and some not-so-new bridges stronger. My parents, who offer strength. My sister, who does sympathy so well. All my bases are covered with them, and I consider myself so fortunate.
My friends are truly a gift from God. It's like He knew exactly what I'd need in my time here, and He had a different friend fill in every gap. Brenda is good at taking my mind off my problems, and keeping my kid busy for cheap. Christine is helping me get over my reluctance to be around babies, but in the most sensitive way. Shari brings the food - her role is pretty hazy now, I thing she's really uncomfortable with the whole pregnancy loss thing, but I have no doubt that God has plans for her. Jeanne loves to send me e-cards along with her support. Lisa is my rock. Having gone through something similar, she's almost like a guide, but also a soft shoulder. Joy just keeps me distracted and laughing. Melissa and Amy both push me into reality, that friends are going to keep having babies, and it's going to be okay - I'm not going to break by rejoicing with them. I also need to mention my cyber-friends, Tricia, Sheryl, Julie, Heather, Retriever, you guys and your comments get me through a lot of hard times, too. Thank you. :)
My support system has really gotten us to understand why God chose Troy for us. The people in our church are so incredible, their love and support seem to know no bounds. We've gotten so many cards, and offers of help, and baskets of cookies, and emails. And the OB and nurses who bore witness to Leila have been an incredible gift from God. Amazing that these people stay in touch, and continue to lift us up in prayer. We don't feel alone, even being so far from our families. That was God's plan, I guess.
So, thank you, God, for this ongoing lesson in thankfulness. I'm going to concentrate on seeking the silver linings in situations that would usually leave me in a negative place. If nothing else, I know that You're in control, and all things work together for good for those that love God (Rom 8:28).
5.29.2009
Just When I Think It's Getting Better
Just when I thought we were making it through this. Just when I thought God was blessing us with a shot of novocain to the heart. Just when I thought I could handle life going on.
We got Leila's pictures yesterday. The nurse who took them did a beautiful job, the pictures are just lovely. I'm so happy to have them, but they ripped the scab right off the wound on my gaping heart. Then Yasar, Andrew, and I went to the jewelry store. For some reason, I'm feeling this need to have something tangible of Leila with me at all times. So we bought a baby bootie charm and a necklace, and we're having it engraved with her name and birthday. And, somehow, that opened the floodgates. For both of us. It's painfully obvious we've both got such a long way to go.
I just keep thinking "Why, God?" That thought runs over and over in my head.
I have to laugh, someone in my last post told me what an inspiration I was. I couldn't be farther from that. The only part of this that inspires me is that I've never been angry at God, or blamed Him for Leila's death. I can only thank Him for her life. Please don't give me any credit, it's definitely undeserved.
Is it wrong that I'm also obsessing about getting pregnant again? I guess I doubt that it'll ever be a viable pregnancy. I'm no doctor, but after sifting through the wealth of knowledge on the internet, I'm pretty sure Leila's demise was the result of an incompetent cervix. The only real monkey wrench in that theory is that this didn't show up in Andrew's pregnancy. But, if that's the case, I have to wonder if I'm ever going to have the opportunity to add to this family. My husband won't come near me until we have the abnormal pap test results from the beginning of my pregnancy identified and remedied. If that remedy includes a biopsy, the risk of incompetent cervix increases. Couple that thought with the fact that we're on medicaid for the pregnancy, and I see my options dwindling. The US government isn't going to help me get pregnant and waste taxpayer's money. The only way I can see this working is to get pregnant and hope for the best. Hope that I can find a high risk OB who'll stitch me shut at 12 weeks.
Oh, and I'm 34. Not that many more shopping days until Christmas.
So I find myself not only greiving Leila, but also greiving the death of my dreams. My houseful of kids. Andrew having sibling(s).
Sorry for such a happy post.
Oh, and did I mention today's our 6th wedding anniversary? I said "happy anniversary" to Yasar, than burst into tears.
Another day in paradise.
We got Leila's pictures yesterday. The nurse who took them did a beautiful job, the pictures are just lovely. I'm so happy to have them, but they ripped the scab right off the wound on my gaping heart. Then Yasar, Andrew, and I went to the jewelry store. For some reason, I'm feeling this need to have something tangible of Leila with me at all times. So we bought a baby bootie charm and a necklace, and we're having it engraved with her name and birthday. And, somehow, that opened the floodgates. For both of us. It's painfully obvious we've both got such a long way to go.
I just keep thinking "Why, God?" That thought runs over and over in my head.
I have to laugh, someone in my last post told me what an inspiration I was. I couldn't be farther from that. The only part of this that inspires me is that I've never been angry at God, or blamed Him for Leila's death. I can only thank Him for her life. Please don't give me any credit, it's definitely undeserved.
Is it wrong that I'm also obsessing about getting pregnant again? I guess I doubt that it'll ever be a viable pregnancy. I'm no doctor, but after sifting through the wealth of knowledge on the internet, I'm pretty sure Leila's demise was the result of an incompetent cervix. The only real monkey wrench in that theory is that this didn't show up in Andrew's pregnancy. But, if that's the case, I have to wonder if I'm ever going to have the opportunity to add to this family. My husband won't come near me until we have the abnormal pap test results from the beginning of my pregnancy identified and remedied. If that remedy includes a biopsy, the risk of incompetent cervix increases. Couple that thought with the fact that we're on medicaid for the pregnancy, and I see my options dwindling. The US government isn't going to help me get pregnant and waste taxpayer's money. The only way I can see this working is to get pregnant and hope for the best. Hope that I can find a high risk OB who'll stitch me shut at 12 weeks.
Oh, and I'm 34. Not that many more shopping days until Christmas.
So I find myself not only greiving Leila, but also greiving the death of my dreams. My houseful of kids. Andrew having sibling(s).
Sorry for such a happy post.
Oh, and did I mention today's our 6th wedding anniversary? I said "happy anniversary" to Yasar, than burst into tears.
Another day in paradise.
1.08.2009
Ahhh, (cooking at) 34 Feels Good!
Yesterday I celebrated 33 full years on earth. I love my birthday - we try to keep it low-key, but still special. And Meijer offered the perfect means to a wonderful dinner. They had tiny red potatoes on the produce clearance rack for $0.65/lb. So, rather than eating out, we roasted baby potatoes with rosemary and coarse salt, cooked up some chopped steaks, and made homemade French dressing to go with our broccolini. Also on the clearance rack were some bruised and dented granny smith apples,destined to be tossed with some sugar, apple pie spice, and craisins, put into a pie crust and topped with crumb topping. We had the perfect end to the perfect meal.
Yasar thinks I'm nuts, cooking on the day he really wanted to take me out for lunch, but I truly prefer eating at home. I'm not sure if anyone else experiences this, but when I eat out, I usually end up feeling sick and bloated. I can eat the exact same food, cooked in my kitchen, and feel fine. Psychosomatic? Probably. But frugal? Fer sure!
Also, quality ingredients inspire me. I saw those red potatoes, and all my dreams of eating out disappeared. My brother made potatoes like that this past summer on the grill, and I've wanted to try it since. From there it was, "what accompanies potatoes well?". Duh, steak! I even went as far as to put 2 expensive steaks in my cart. Then I saw the lowly chopped steaks. Half the price. Yasar doesn't do bloody steaks, so filet is really wasted on him.
It's a joy to put together a great meal. It's a gift to cook, knowing the outcome will be healthy and fabulous. To see that admiration in my family's eyes is a present I get to enjoy all year long.
Happy birthday to me!
One more thing. The more I ponder birthdays, the more convinced I am that it's a day to say "thank you". Mommy, thank you for going through pregnancy, labor, and delivery. Daddy, thank you for parenting, financing, and encouraging. God, thank you for dreaming me up, and making me a reality.
Thank you. :)
Yasar thinks I'm nuts, cooking on the day he really wanted to take me out for lunch, but I truly prefer eating at home. I'm not sure if anyone else experiences this, but when I eat out, I usually end up feeling sick and bloated. I can eat the exact same food, cooked in my kitchen, and feel fine. Psychosomatic? Probably. But frugal? Fer sure!
Also, quality ingredients inspire me. I saw those red potatoes, and all my dreams of eating out disappeared. My brother made potatoes like that this past summer on the grill, and I've wanted to try it since. From there it was, "what accompanies potatoes well?". Duh, steak! I even went as far as to put 2 expensive steaks in my cart. Then I saw the lowly chopped steaks. Half the price. Yasar doesn't do bloody steaks, so filet is really wasted on him.
It's a joy to put together a great meal. It's a gift to cook, knowing the outcome will be healthy and fabulous. To see that admiration in my family's eyes is a present I get to enjoy all year long.
Happy birthday to me!
One more thing. The more I ponder birthdays, the more convinced I am that it's a day to say "thank you". Mommy, thank you for going through pregnancy, labor, and delivery. Daddy, thank you for parenting, financing, and encouraging. God, thank you for dreaming me up, and making me a reality.
Thank you. :)
1.04.2009
There's a Reason Why My Man Doesn't Shop!
Oh, the agony! I'm down with the flu, you know, that yucky achy crap, and I needed my husband to run to the store to pick up some photos I'm sending to my dad. Yasar asked if there's any food-type stuff he needs to buy, and I gave him a list of loss leaders from today's paper.
He came home with what I asked him to, plus a few extras. They must have seen him coming.
Meijer is running a $1 special on bags of Dole salad mix - but he must have picked up the wrong kind and ended up spending $2.99/bag.
Andrew suckered him into buying strawberries, a 1 lb box for $2.50 ("it was on special").
And then, the best of all, a teeny, tiny little box of red raspberries, to the tune of $3.49. Ack! He says, "how can you say no to Andrew when he wants something?". Hmph, glad that's a skill I possess, or he'd eat us straight to the poorhouse with his off-season tastes.
Unfortunately, Andrew dove straight into the raspberries...my kid is no fool. Meanwhile I'm pulling a knit cap over my greasy hair and headed back to the store in my pj's to exchange food.
Lesson learned. No hubbys allowed at the grocery store, especially not with kids. There won't be a next time.
He came home with what I asked him to, plus a few extras. They must have seen him coming.
Meijer is running a $1 special on bags of Dole salad mix - but he must have picked up the wrong kind and ended up spending $2.99/bag.
Andrew suckered him into buying strawberries, a 1 lb box for $2.50 ("it was on special").
And then, the best of all, a teeny, tiny little box of red raspberries, to the tune of $3.49. Ack! He says, "how can you say no to Andrew when he wants something?". Hmph, glad that's a skill I possess, or he'd eat us straight to the poorhouse with his off-season tastes.
Unfortunately, Andrew dove straight into the raspberries...my kid is no fool. Meanwhile I'm pulling a knit cap over my greasy hair and headed back to the store in my pj's to exchange food.
Lesson learned. No hubbys allowed at the grocery store, especially not with kids. There won't be a next time.
What Does 2009 Hold For Your Finances?
All indicators point to 2009 being a record dismal year. Higher prices, layoffs, businesses closing their doors, it ain't gonna be pretty, folks. So what are you doing to prepare?
We've sketched out some rough goals for our family:
1.) Keep grocery spending below $150/month.
How do we plan to accomplish this? Well, thanks to an anonymous tipster on my "Angel Food" post, we're now trying Great Food For All this month. I'm pretty excited about this. It looks to be a more healthy variety than AFM, without all the mystery meats (a long story, but suffice it to say we will no longer order AFM), and the boxes come packaged - no more lugging a laundry basket with you. True, I have to drive further for pickup, but I can easily combine the commute with another errand or two.
We also make good use of bread outlets, clearance racks at Meijer, and dried beans. We should be okay.
2.) Limit restaurant outings to once a month, and then only with BOGO coupon.
This one's going to be a little harder on us. We've slacked off a bit at the end of this year, spending far more money eating out than previously. It was hard enough arranging Christmas dinner (it took days of prep), and cooking a dinner on top of that was just too much to ask. Hopefully we've gotten it out of our systems for awhile!
3.) Trying sourdough.
Yup, I'm thinking of introducing a new pet to our home, as S. John puts it. Wonder if I can teach Yasar to eat sourdough instead of pita. Either way, little sourdough loaves are great little serving bowls for...
4.) Lots of soups.
Yasar's somewhere rolling his eyes right now. A soup fan, he's not. For me, it's the ultimate comfort food. Nothing beats a steaming bowl of chicken corn noodle soup from the local fire companies back home. It's one of the few soups I've not tried to replicate here. But anything else is fair game: soups, stews, Ray Ray's infamous "stoups", goulashes, chilis, gazpachos, vichy-whatevers, name it - nothing would be ashamed to be seen in a petite sourdough bowl. It might even dress up whatever so Yasar will eat without complaint. :)
5.) Smarter gardening.
We're infamous for seeding our bounty for the next year, only to plant the seeds too late. My goal this year is to start the seedlings in egg cartons earlier in the year, so we're not stuck running to the local garden center when our seeds don't germinate.
6.) Sell the house.
(sniff, sniff). Yeah, not too happy about that one. Too choked up to talk about it.
What about you? Are you taking any precautions against an unsure future? Do you think my fears are groundless?
11.28.2008
Black Friday Fun
Yesterday, as tradition dictates, we spent the day in a turkey-stuffed stupor with my family here in South Bend, Indiana, pouring over the ads for the biggest shopping day of the year. I was a bit intimidated, as this would be the first year I wouldn't be slumbering through the madness. My darling SIL would be initiating me in the frugal frolick that is 5am on the day after Thanksgiving.
We made tentative plans for destinations, mapping, and items to purchase. We got up early, piled into the car (my husband couldn't resist the fun, either, much to my astonishment!), and set out for destination: Walmart.
Madness, I tell you! Madness! People piled on top of more people, everyone vying for the shortest checkout line. Loaded down with flat screen TV's, the latest Hanna Montana gobblty-gook, and armloads of clothes. I shopped for about 10 minutes, then took my place in line and waited for Yasar and Chris to gravitate from their positions in the toys and electronics departments. And the entertainment began. If you're the type who enjoys people-watching, Black Friday at Walmart is an absolute bonanza! You can see the best and the worst in human behavior, all in one fell swoop. It seems that the old adage should be updated to say "all's fair in love, war, and Black Friday shopping." Women getting snarky with each other over checkout line position, people guarding their shopping carts as if they're filled with precious gems, fat women stripping down to barely-decent tops due to the intense body heat generated by the hoards. And the smell! Hundreds of unshowered, undeodorized, and probably un-toothbrushed people. Yowza. Hmmmm.
After that, it was off to Office Depot, where Chris was eyeballing a fax machine that, after rebate, would go for a paltry $10. You'd think an office supply store would be pretty low on the shopper's radar...you'd be wrong. The checkout line was easily 45 minutes. But I got to watch some of the best spirit of the season - the girl behind me was too late to get the $350 laptop she wanted, and was standing in line with her $500 next choice. A gentleman came by and gave her a pink piece of paper that entitled her to one of the computers she wanted. With a "merry Christmas", he disappeared into the crowd. After a few minutes talking to others, we found that they were only handing out those papers to those hardy souls standing outside the store at 4am. And, that same girl had been approached by someone else outside trying to scalp one of those papers to her! She was a very happy young lady, and it was such a blessing to watch her glowing with her gratitude to that kind stranger.
Last stop for us was Menards. The store was crowded, the lines long. We chose to go to the checkouts in their outdoor area, and ended up spending what seemed like forever, but was probably closer to an hour, in the 40 degree checkout. And, at the end of that miserable wait, got to watch a gentleman basically lose it on a poor cashier who was no doubt more cold and miserable than the rest of us. Not the kind of end you really want to experience, but I guess it's the reality.
Moral of the story? I now know how I'm going to make my first million. I'm going to pitch a story to the first video game company I can, called "Black Friday". It'll be better than GTA, I promise! Starting with the parking lot derby, the race for the Wii, answering trivia questions to advance your place in the checkout line, earn extra points and trade them for a Taser to get people out of your way (and might also be helpful in zapping the guys breaking into your car and stealing your bags while you're in the mall). Tell me you wouldn't buy that!
We made tentative plans for destinations, mapping, and items to purchase. We got up early, piled into the car (my husband couldn't resist the fun, either, much to my astonishment!), and set out for destination: Walmart.
Madness, I tell you! Madness! People piled on top of more people, everyone vying for the shortest checkout line. Loaded down with flat screen TV's, the latest Hanna Montana gobblty-gook, and armloads of clothes. I shopped for about 10 minutes, then took my place in line and waited for Yasar and Chris to gravitate from their positions in the toys and electronics departments. And the entertainment began. If you're the type who enjoys people-watching, Black Friday at Walmart is an absolute bonanza! You can see the best and the worst in human behavior, all in one fell swoop. It seems that the old adage should be updated to say "all's fair in love, war, and Black Friday shopping." Women getting snarky with each other over checkout line position, people guarding their shopping carts as if they're filled with precious gems, fat women stripping down to barely-decent tops due to the intense body heat generated by the hoards. And the smell! Hundreds of unshowered, undeodorized, and probably un-toothbrushed people. Yowza. Hmmmm.
After that, it was off to Office Depot, where Chris was eyeballing a fax machine that, after rebate, would go for a paltry $10. You'd think an office supply store would be pretty low on the shopper's radar...you'd be wrong. The checkout line was easily 45 minutes. But I got to watch some of the best spirit of the season - the girl behind me was too late to get the $350 laptop she wanted, and was standing in line with her $500 next choice. A gentleman came by and gave her a pink piece of paper that entitled her to one of the computers she wanted. With a "merry Christmas", he disappeared into the crowd. After a few minutes talking to others, we found that they were only handing out those papers to those hardy souls standing outside the store at 4am. And, that same girl had been approached by someone else outside trying to scalp one of those papers to her! She was a very happy young lady, and it was such a blessing to watch her glowing with her gratitude to that kind stranger.
Last stop for us was Menards. The store was crowded, the lines long. We chose to go to the checkouts in their outdoor area, and ended up spending what seemed like forever, but was probably closer to an hour, in the 40 degree checkout. And, at the end of that miserable wait, got to watch a gentleman basically lose it on a poor cashier who was no doubt more cold and miserable than the rest of us. Not the kind of end you really want to experience, but I guess it's the reality.
Moral of the story? I now know how I'm going to make my first million. I'm going to pitch a story to the first video game company I can, called "Black Friday". It'll be better than GTA, I promise! Starting with the parking lot derby, the race for the Wii, answering trivia questions to advance your place in the checkout line, earn extra points and trade them for a Taser to get people out of your way (and might also be helpful in zapping the guys breaking into your car and stealing your bags while you're in the mall). Tell me you wouldn't buy that!
11.26.2008
Giving Thanks
It's the eve of Thanksgiving. Most of the food is prepared, the travel plans are set. It's 2am, and a perfect time for reflections. First and always, I'm thankful to God. For loving us all despite our many failings, and for giving us the opportunity to meet Him in heaven someday and thank Him in person.
I'm grateful for Yasar. He is my best friend, the completion of me. I know I can always depend on him, and he has our bests interests in the front of his mind. After 10 years together, he still makes me laugh. And staring into his green eyes can instill a sense of calm in my spirit. To think that God reached the other side of the world, and put His finger on this man and named him for me, it fills me with awe.
One of the greatest blessings God has bestowed on me is my son. Andrew is the light of my world. He is my reason for walking this earth. My favorite thing is when he comes downstairs in the morning and does his best to curl his lanky, 5-year-old frame into my lap, blow his stinky morning breath into my face as he says "good morning". That is my daily defining moment, and it overflows my heart.
My family is the greatest. Though sometimes they can be the most misunderstood, they are truly the most giving people I know. In times of struggle, they all band together to form this network of unconditional support. It never fails to amaze me, how we can be hundreds of miles apart for months on end, then when we finally meet again it's like slipping on a comfortable old sweater - the fit is always perfect.
I'm so thankful for my friends. My oldest ones, Joy and Melissa, who know all the dirty laundry and still choose to associate with me, who I can call and pick up where we left off, as if the miles between us are of no significance. And my new ones, Brenda, Christine, and Shari, who form the backbone of daily support I need while living so far from home. Without these women, I'd need a straightjacket and some heavy drugs.
And my new blogosphere friends, Tricia, Debbie, Pooji, and Julie, who I'd met before but never really had the chance to bond with, you guys provide the daily color in my life. Though I may not always comment on your blogs (something's awry with my Google Reader, so sometimes things slip me), I always look forward to seeing what's going on in your lives. It's comforting to know that there are others, fellow voyeurs willing to put their lives out there so others can look at them and say "hey, maybe it's not just me!" You guys rawk, you know that?
And there are many other blessings I have - 3 hots and a cot, clean running water, relatively good health. A car. The world's most awesome cat. An average IQ. Being born in the US. So many other blessings, each great in their own right. How can someone so rich have a single complaint?
What about you? What are you thankful for? Have I missed anything?
Photo by heavenly_angellourdes
10.01.2008
My Husband, A Chef He Ain't
We were making some steaks on Sunday for dinner (before you gasp at my unfrugalityness, they came in the Angel Food box...no way I'd ever purchase them otherwise!), and I had some rice on the stove. We were looking for a green vegetable to go with our meal. I asked Yasar to make some of his Middle Eastern salad, he was more than happy to oblige and started chopping away.
At the same time, I found a recipe for chai in my Taste of home cookbook. Chai is one of my favorite cold-weather drinks, but I thought you had to buy it in powdered form. I was so excited to find a recipe, and immediately started digging through my spice cabinet to see if I had all the components to the recipe.
I'm pulling spices, and tending steaks, and not really paying attention to Yasar. Then I smell something funny...the potent aroma of cloves. I turn around and see Yasar dumping powdered cloves liberally on his salad. I started laughing when he said the pepper smelled different. He thought it was a container of black pepper I'd laid there for his salad.
My husband, always opening culinary windows for us. And keeping us in stitches.
At the same time, I found a recipe for chai in my Taste of home cookbook. Chai is one of my favorite cold-weather drinks, but I thought you had to buy it in powdered form. I was so excited to find a recipe, and immediately started digging through my spice cabinet to see if I had all the components to the recipe.
I'm pulling spices, and tending steaks, and not really paying attention to Yasar. Then I smell something funny...the potent aroma of cloves. I turn around and see Yasar dumping powdered cloves liberally on his salad. I started laughing when he said the pepper smelled different. He thought it was a container of black pepper I'd laid there for his salad.
My husband, always opening culinary windows for us. And keeping us in stitches.
9.15.2008
Could Hurricane Ike be an Answer to Fervent Prayer?
We went to church yesterday as usual. And, in one part of the message, Pastor Shawn was talking about someone he knew who was being tormented in the workplace by a coworker. The group got together and prayed that God remove this influence from his friend's life. And, within the week, not only was the coworker terminated, but the friend was promoted into that person's position. When God is with you, who can be against you, right?
Some of you may remember my rants about the situation we're in with the pizza franchise and debt and the economy and yadda yadda. Well, Yasar and I prayed fervently for God to intervene in our situation. And boy, did He ever!
Ohio was hit with monsterous winds that were leftovers from Hurricane Ike yesterday afternoon - gusts in Dayton recorded at up to 75mph. This went on for about 4 hours, then it started to drizzle, and it all went away. We, along with 100,000 other DP&L customers, lost power here at the house. Many traffic lights here in Troy are still dark as we speak, mostly from the huge trees in this town taking down power lines.
Also, our top 2 competitors in the Troy pizza game were (and still are) without power.
So yeah, the store got BOMBED last night. We had record sales. It's almost a curse, this was unplanned so we're trying to figure out where we can get extra dough, cheese, pepperoni, etc. to get us through until our next delivery. Yasar was disappointed that he didn't get to watch his beloved Steelers on national TV last night (the power was out anyway), but he was ecstatic to be busy makin' money at the store.
Moral of this story? When you pray for deliverance, be ready for God to deliver you in a BIG way! Pray with expectations!
Some of you may remember my rants about the situation we're in with the pizza franchise and debt and the economy and yadda yadda. Well, Yasar and I prayed fervently for God to intervene in our situation. And boy, did He ever!
Ohio was hit with monsterous winds that were leftovers from Hurricane Ike yesterday afternoon - gusts in Dayton recorded at up to 75mph. This went on for about 4 hours, then it started to drizzle, and it all went away. We, along with 100,000 other DP&L customers, lost power here at the house. Many traffic lights here in Troy are still dark as we speak, mostly from the huge trees in this town taking down power lines.
Also, our top 2 competitors in the Troy pizza game were (and still are) without power.
So yeah, the store got BOMBED last night. We had record sales. It's almost a curse, this was unplanned so we're trying to figure out where we can get extra dough, cheese, pepperoni, etc. to get us through until our next delivery. Yasar was disappointed that he didn't get to watch his beloved Steelers on national TV last night (the power was out anyway), but he was ecstatic to be busy makin' money at the store.
Moral of this story? When you pray for deliverance, be ready for God to deliver you in a BIG way! Pray with expectations!
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