Why It's Different

Losing a child is an eye-opening experience.

Something I NEVER considered.  That babies sometimes die.  It's thrust front & center into your line of vision.  For some reason, maybe by your doing and maybe not, there's a litany of grief, pain, and tears of heartbroken mommies and daddies never far from your mind. 

Babies sometimes die.  That's a horrible, tragic reality for so many.

But so many of these people still have hope.  They've never struggled to get pregnant.  How wonderful it must be to know, when they're ready, they can try again.  And succeed. 

Leila was my miracle.  4 years in the making.  I'm at the cusp of losing my ability to conceive due to advanced maternal age.  

So I'm jealous of these families.  Yes, they have lost a baby.  And it's nothing to make light of.

But they have not lost hope. 

Jon & Kate, and How They Affect My Little Boy

I have never watched the Goss.elins and their highly publicized life on TV.  I've heard my family talk about them.  There's a fascination with them because we're from the same area and many of the places they visit are old haunts of ours. 

I've heard about their messy marital problems, but never really paid attention.

But now, since getting Net.flix and being able to stream the show, it's captured my attention.

And that's okay.  I'm a grown-up, I can process their "quirkiness" against a lifetime of experiences and morals.

But Andrew is also fascinated.  And last night it came to light why. 

He's jealous.

He wants siblings. 

He's asking why we can't do the same procedure they did.

Or why we can't go to the "donation center" and adopt a child.

Infertility is a FAMILY issue.  It's something that profoundly affects every single person in the family unit.  Not just the parents. 

How do I explain infertility to an almost-7 year old?  One who looks at a couple on TV and their miraculous delivery despite fertility problems?  How do I explain to him that those options aren't open to us?  That we couldn't afford IVF?  That adoption is out of our reach because of our financial collapse last year? 

I tell him to pray.  God listens to him.  And I told him about the doctor's appointment on Tuesday and the medicine we'll be talking about that might help me get pregnant.

My trusting child.  As soon as he heard "pills", he determined that we will be getting pregnant soon with the help of the medicine.

I pray that he's right.  My heart breaks to see him so disappointed.

The Anti-Rainbow Movement

Seriously, is EVERYBODY getting pregnant except me?

It feels that way.  One by one, my babyloss mamas, the people I leaned on for support since Leila died, I'm having to "hide" them on Facebook.  Because I have a serious case of sour grapes. 

I'm happy for them.  I am, really.  I just can't have their bubbly news slapping me in the face all the time. 

Once they have their babies, I'm good.  I can read about dirty diapers and spit-up and milestones all day. 

It's just that pregnancy is just too much for me.

DH says I need to get over it.  I agree.  Before Facebook gets too quiet. 

(sigh)

At church on Sunday, the pastor quoted the Bible.  "You have not because you ask not". 

So I'm asking begging, Lord, please.  Please...........

My Common Thread Bracelet, and some other shtuff...

I really, really wanted to be part of the Infertility's Common Thread campaign, but I couldn't just see myself putting a plain strand of embroidery thread around my wrist.  So here's what I made:

I used the DMC 814 that was part of the campaign, and also a variegated which was pretty close in color.  It's been many, many years since these bracelets were all the rage (waaaay back when I was in high school!), and I surprised myself that I still remembered how to make them!  If you would like one, please email me at celestialpetunia(at)gmail(dot)com.  Let's get this movement started! 

Sorry about the lack of pictures.  Weight-loss wise, I'm still pretty much the same.  My diet is still spot-on, I guess I could be exercising more, and my body's just comfortable around where it is right now.  That's not to say I've given up - on the contrary, I think I'll be sticking with this style of eating, at least for a little while.  Really the bad stuff doesn't tempt me very much anymore.  So we'll keep truckin' on, and I'll let you know if there's any change. 

Oh, Wednesday's ultrasound.  Went fine.  Dr. should have the results back today.  Which is good, because my u/s tech must have bumped something with her "magic wand" and started something going on.  Now it feels like very early labor down there, mild to moderate contractions.  I'll probably call the Dr. later and see what he wants to do.

Oh, and one more thing...DH and I agreed that, when all's been fixed, we're going to give Clomid one more shot.  So I've been looking for good deals at online pharmacies - you'd be amazed how cheap you can get it, even from here in the States!  What would cost me $100 at my local CVS is only $15 + shipping online! 

Anyway, you're all caught up. 

Bu-de, bu-de, bu-de, bu-de, bu, THAT'S ALLLLL, FOLKS!

The Internet Can Be a Scary, Scary Place...

Today at work was a little dead.  The book I borrowed from the library just wasn't cutting it at holding my attentions.  All the prep for the day had been done.

So I break out Google on the crackberry and start reading about cervical polyps.

(note to self: never google medical conditions.  ever.)

Here's what I'm up against.  Minor outpatient surgery, along the same lines of a D&C.  1% chance of the polyp being malignant.  Quick recovery.

Best case scenario.

I'm nervous.  The ultrasound has been scheduled at the hospital for a week from tomorrow.  Dr. C. is looking for some specific things on that ultrasound, he's requested a detailed look at my ovaries and my uterus.  For my ovaries, I guess because of my infertility issues (despite my argument that I don't think we really want to be new parents again).  My uterus because it looked abnormal on his transvaginal u/s in the office, and because he saw some dark spots that may indicate some more polyps in my uterus. 

So, once my ears stopped ringing and I stopped sweating, I googled some more.  About polyps and how they affect fertility.

Here's the big news:  they don't.  They can act as almost an IUD and prevent implantation of the fertilized egg, but as far as I know I'm not dropping eggs to begin with.  Shoots that theory full of holes.

I'm trying to look at this surgery in a positive light - they may actually figure out what's wrong with me!  But on the other hand I just don't want to get my hopes up again.  This TTC spiral is just too emotionally sapping.  

And the icing on the cake, there  seems to be a flood of rainbow pregnancy announcements on Facebook lately.  And every one of them leaves me feeling a little more defective (while still rejoicing for those mommies and daddies, of course).

Will my day ever come?  Will I want it if/when it does?

Paleo - Week 2

Things, they are a cha-cha-changing.  I'm still weighing in around 230 lbs, however my husband says he sees changes in my body.

My goal is to be 220 lbs, but I'm by no means defining my success completely by a number on a scale.

This past weekend my son attended karate camp (he's 6...and now he's staying out overnight. sigh.) and Hubby and I had the day all to ourselves.  My plan was a "cheat" meal, and I guess I did have one, but it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it could have been.  We fired up the grill and rolled out some Flinstone-sized t-bone steaks, a few chicken breasts, and some salmon fillets.  As our side, we made tabbouleh, which is a parsley/tomato/onion salad with a handful of bulgar wheat thrown in.  I had a few spoonfuls of that, which was my only real no-no.  And if I ate a total of 1 tbsp wheat it would shock me.  Dessert was baby carrots.  Then we went to play some sweaty tennis, and after that it was unlimited watermelon and cherries.  There it is, my big cheat. 

On the health front, a visit to the GYN this week unveiled the uncontrolled mid-cycle bleeding.  I have a cervical polyp...or at least one.  And apparently a strange looking uterus.  So the good doctor is sending me in for a detailed ultrasound of all my female works, and, once all my oddities are firmly established, I'll be going in for surgery.  I remain prayerful that this may bring to light the reason for my fertility issues.  Please join me there.

Surrender

I've come to terms with my infertility again.  I think.

My friend Christine and her four daughters stayed with us through the holiday weekend, waiting for the first of the month and her new rental house to be available.  I want you to read that last sentence with the most positive tone you can muster - I *loved* having my house full of friends and laughter.  The small size of our home only concentrated the fun.  And I'm so grateful to have my friend back, not only in Ohio, but practically in my backyard!  She broke my heart back in February when she moved her family to Arizona, so it almost feels like a miracle that she's here in Troy again. 

Christine has this adorable, sweet little one-year-old daughter, E.  This little girl goes from sobbing to smiling faster than you can blink.  She also goes from sitting quietly to in-the-dog-food-out-the-door-grabbing-the-chotchkes- that fast. 

Our pastor this past Sunday mentioned how women forget the pains of labor and delivery so quickly.  I commented to Christine that we forget much more than that.  We forget how hard it is to have a newborn, an infant, a toddler.  Chasing E. around (or maybe I should say watching Christine chase E. around) reminded me. 

I think I'm satisfied with my life.  Andrew is at a good age, he's stretching for more independence.  I don't have to hover over my child all the time anymore.

I think I'm to lazy old to do it again.  So God, I give up.  If it's Your plan to give me another baby, I'm down with it.  But I'm done actively pursuing getting pregnant. 

Waking Up is Hard to Do

Oh, last night was amazing! I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive! We laughed and hugged and celebrated that God had smiled on us!

And then I woke up.

I'm usually relieved to wake up from a dream. But this one, I wanted to crawl back under the covers and live in it. Pray that God would make it my reality. Go back to before waking up ruined my life.

God, hear my cry!

Some Concerns

First, I seem to have lost my muse. It's challenge enough to pull together my weekly blog over at Almost Frugal - I just don't seem to have much to say otherwise. At least, not anything new or exciting.

I miss her. A lot. As her birthday creeps closer, my emotions are closer to the surface. I'm dreading Mother's Day, which will also be a baby dedication at our church. Might just have to skip that one.

But, before M-Day, the GYN. (men, please feel free to scroll down.) Ever since about CD12ish, I've been spotting. The internet is a wonderful and scary thing, with its wealth of conflicting medical information. So I made an appointment with my GYN for Wednesday. Combine the spotting with the inability to lose weight, (extreme) irritability, infertility, and a few other symptoms that I'll spare you, and I'm wondering if there's a progesterone deficiency. When I was pregnant with Leila I was diagnosed with LP and put on suppositories until we got to 14 weeks. I'm not making excuses, and this isn't as much about getting pregnant as finding out what's going on (not that I'd sneeze at a BFP).

Until then, I'll keep up my organic, borderline-vegetarian diet and my daily 4-mile walks. And the head scratching as to why the scale refuses to budge. And hopefully Dr. C will be able to shine some light on my situation.

One funny thing that happened today. We didn't plan ahead and ended up starving and out of town. Stopped at a Chinese buffet. I had the HARDEST time eating there. Just looking at all the fat and cheese and fried stuff was nauseating. They had a Mongolian grill, I loaded up with veg and some noodles, got to the meats, and just could not put any of that protein on my plate. I watched a trailer for a movie called Earthlings, and that's all I had flashing through my head (if you like to eat meat or have an affinity for animals, don't Google this. It's like the Faces of Death of the industrial meat industry. You've been warned.) So there I sat, with my sad little bowl of wonton soup and my veggie noodle stirfry. Yasar and I looked at each other and it was clear: we'd completely lost whatever enjoyment we once had in regards to eating out.

That's all, Folks! Emily out...

Not Much to Say

Well, technically that's not true. There's lots to say, but I'm concentrating it down to one simple sentence:

I'm so grateful this week is almost over. It's a week I would never want to repeat.

It all started with this post over on Almost Frugal.

Then we had some very, very serious family problems. Also on Monday.

Tuesday saw us reeling in shock and heartache for my family, and so many prayers for healing here. With a healthy side of that horrible joy/self pity feeling that goes along with someone you know announcing a new pregnancy. Oh, and this post. (stay tuned on Monday at AF for my response)

Wednesday was a doctor's appointment. Since moving to this new house, I've been having breathing problems. Bad enough that I wasn't getting any sleep without Nyquil. And I bared my soul to my wonderful doctor about my weight problem. It's been impossible this last year to lose weight, something that's never been this hard before. I've been walking around in this cloak of failure and self-loathing for too long. So I asked him if it's the stress of all that's happened, or just me getting older, or maybe a medical issue?

Thursday - bloodwork to check my thyroid level, blood sugar, cholesterol, BUN, creatine, and pretty much anything else my doctor could check for. An afternoon with Yasar and Andrew in Dayton getting the car fixed and doing some grocery shopping at the Middle Eastern store.

Yesterday, Andrew and I went to Charleston Falls after work. We needed that time together to talk and just soak each other in. I am blessed to have a great kid.

Today? I pray for a quiet, uneventful day. At midnight I will celebrate the resurrection of my King as well as an end to this horrible week.

God? You suck!

Sorry if that shocks you, reader. But that's just how I'm feeling today.

I was really praying HARD for this month to be "the month".

You see, our house is up for Sheriff's Sale 2/24. Which means we're probably going to be moving 3/1-ish.

I still have all the stuff I bought for Leila in the spare bedroom.

I got pregnant this time last year, so I really wanted to get pregnant NOW so that I could still use that stuff.

We're moving into a smaller place, so I either needed to NEED that stuff or get rid of it.

And, since Aunt Flo arrived today, I guess I'll be donating it.

God, I can't even fathom why you chose to put me through this.

IT'S SO F-ING UNFAIR!!!

Before that positive pregnancy test last year, I was *happy* with just one child. I had resigned myself to infertility and accepted my lot.

Then You throw this curve ball at me. And let me fall in love with the idea of being a mommy again.

Let me get past the dreaded 14-week mark, so I could breathe a sigh of relief and feel safe.

Let me find out I'm expecting a daughter, the little dark-haired girl I'd always dreamed of.

Let my husband and son get all excited.

And then You yanked her away from us.

And now, 7 months later, I'm back to struggling through infertility again.

I don't know what I did to piss You off so badly, to make you want to punish me like this!

I NEVER ask You for anything! We're losing our house, we've got no income to speak of! We're still struggling to keep our business afloat! Yet, through all that, I've NEVER asked You for help!

I ask You for one little thing, the thing that so many women take for granted. And You shut me down.

Pardon me if I'm not the president of Your fan club right now.

I'm not turning away from You - I'm just going to take a little hiatus tonight.