It's as if I was holding my breath, waiting for that ticker to roll over.
And, now that it has, I feel different. Unencumbered. Lighter. No longer weepy and morose.
Either the beginning of May has been especially hard,
or, (dare I say it?) the hard grieving is over.
I've googled about grief release after that first anniversary. It's real, many people experience it. Even Stephanie seems to have caught a little of it.
The litmus test will be church on Sunday. Do you think I can get through a whole service without crying in the bathroom?
Why do I feel bad about not feeling bad anymore? It's not as if I've forgotten her. She's sewed into the fabric of my heart.
Maybe last year was about looking back, but this year is about looking forward.
Showing posts with label Healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Healing. Show all posts
5.25.2010
3.03.2010
Yesterday In Pictures, and a Prayer Request
Impossibly creamy, yummy, homemade yogurt. You can find the method here, I used the gelatin, added nonfat powdered dry milk, and the crock pot became an incubator.
Yes! The flat sheet we've been using to cover the front window? Gone. I made curtains! Those rudimentary sewing skills came in handy (finally). They need some work, they're pretty sheer when the sun's out. But I'm still dang proud of my work!
And, while the sewing machine was already out, I made a draft-catcher for the bottom of our front door (there's a quarter inch gap there!). Do you recognize the fabric? Here, again, showing off my new frugal chops. In the past I would have been headed to JoAnn's for some new fabric. This time? Hmmm, what have I got laying around the house.... It's filled with deer corn, which we'd been using to make microwavable hot pads early last year. And it stops the creeping cold nicely.
And, my pride and joy. Leila finally has a place to call her own. It's hard to capture on camera, it's in the hallway right outside our bedroom. I made it out of a cast-off shelf, a few cans of spray paint to cover the original navy blue-lighthouse motif. Then my wonderful friend Tricia cut the letters for me (she's just started her own business and is about 12 months pregnant). It turned out beautifully, and the thing I love the most about it is how many of you had a hand it in. Lea, with her angel wings. Katy and her memorial plaque. The talented photographers at Rory's Garden for the beautiful pink flower with Leila's name on it. Christine, for the baby book and the shelf. Anita, for the baby on the cloud and her photography skills. The Peace Bear project. Jessica for her collage (not pictured here, but next to my bed with Leila's ashes. Andrew, for the cross he bought Leila for Christmas. Thank you all, from my heart.Saving the most important for last. Kelly is a BLM who never really joined our community. She caught pregnant again, and just gave birth to little Dillon Blake, 3 months premature. Please, please send her some love and encouragement, and lift her and her family up in prayer.
2.21.2010
Grudge
My ADD was in full overdrive today during church, but one part of the message really stood out.
Our pastor was saying how he would fail us at times. He's human. Imperfect. But he loves the church like he loves his own family. No doubt the Holy Spirit was using this message to talk to me.
Because, for the last nine months, I've been carting around a king-sized grudge against him.
I'd been home from the hospital for probably about 2 hours when the doorbell rang. I was busy, moving all the baby paraphernalia to the upstairs spare room so it wouldn't be in my face all the time. I was tired, having just delivered my baby 12 hours before, and just come off a sleepless night. I was broken, just coming out of shock and realizing the depth of my loss.
The pastor came in. I couldn't stop thinking about how dirty my house was. Andrew kept asking to give him the tour of the house! I was surprised when he said he had intimate understanding of my feelings, he and his wife having gone through something very similar. I don't remember much else that he said, except the focal point of my grudge.
He brought up how he had to worry about how my news would affect other couples in our church. Two couples in particular, one facing repeated miscarriages, and one being very pregnant with their first after a long bout of infertility.
That statement out of his mouth just shook me. My daughter just died 12 hours before, and you think I care about how everyone else is going to feel????? I was just struck dumb. Couldn't get him out of the house fast enough.
And, for nine whole months, Satan has used that delightful statement in so many ways!
Like keeping me from wanting to go to church. Feeling justified that since a "man of God" could be so inconsiderate of my emotional state, I didn't have any place being in that church.
Wanting to leave that church. There's been a mass exodus of couples from our age group in the last 3 years. Yes, our church has grown, which only means we're surrounded by strangers. And meeting new people is not my strong suit on a good day.
I've sat in the front row on the days Yasar talked me into (read: made) me go, and hardened my heart against the pastor's words.
To be honest, Satan hasn't had to break a sweat. I pretty much do all the work for him.
But today, the pastor's words hit me. Why should he be on a pedestal? He talked about a leader of a church making one mistake, and the whole church falling apart. I just got done reading I Was Wrong by Jim Bakker and, after the initial eye-rolling at his "victimization" a the hands of Falwell and Swaggart, I began to see Jim as a human. No better than I, certainly no worse. Sins I excuse in myself are the same sins that make me want to grab a stone and get ready to throw when it shows up in them.
My pastor is no different.
I've said hurtful things to people. Heck, just this past weekend I said something insensitive to my mom. Shouldn't I be held to the same standard as I hold my pastor?
So I'm praying for God to help me excise this grudge that has rooted into my heart. The roots are deep, and it's going to hurt, but it just needs to go.
Our pastor was saying how he would fail us at times. He's human. Imperfect. But he loves the church like he loves his own family. No doubt the Holy Spirit was using this message to talk to me.
Because, for the last nine months, I've been carting around a king-sized grudge against him.
I'd been home from the hospital for probably about 2 hours when the doorbell rang. I was busy, moving all the baby paraphernalia to the upstairs spare room so it wouldn't be in my face all the time. I was tired, having just delivered my baby 12 hours before, and just come off a sleepless night. I was broken, just coming out of shock and realizing the depth of my loss.
The pastor came in. I couldn't stop thinking about how dirty my house was. Andrew kept asking to give him the tour of the house! I was surprised when he said he had intimate understanding of my feelings, he and his wife having gone through something very similar. I don't remember much else that he said, except the focal point of my grudge.
He brought up how he had to worry about how my news would affect other couples in our church. Two couples in particular, one facing repeated miscarriages, and one being very pregnant with their first after a long bout of infertility.
That statement out of his mouth just shook me. My daughter just died 12 hours before, and you think I care about how everyone else is going to feel????? I was just struck dumb. Couldn't get him out of the house fast enough.
And, for nine whole months, Satan has used that delightful statement in so many ways!
Like keeping me from wanting to go to church. Feeling justified that since a "man of God" could be so inconsiderate of my emotional state, I didn't have any place being in that church.
Wanting to leave that church. There's been a mass exodus of couples from our age group in the last 3 years. Yes, our church has grown, which only means we're surrounded by strangers. And meeting new people is not my strong suit on a good day.
I've sat in the front row on the days Yasar talked me into (read: made) me go, and hardened my heart against the pastor's words.
To be honest, Satan hasn't had to break a sweat. I pretty much do all the work for him.
But today, the pastor's words hit me. Why should he be on a pedestal? He talked about a leader of a church making one mistake, and the whole church falling apart. I just got done reading I Was Wrong by Jim Bakker and, after the initial eye-rolling at his "victimization" a the hands of Falwell and Swaggart, I began to see Jim as a human. No better than I, certainly no worse. Sins I excuse in myself are the same sins that make me want to grab a stone and get ready to throw when it shows up in them.
My pastor is no different.
I've said hurtful things to people. Heck, just this past weekend I said something insensitive to my mom. Shouldn't I be held to the same standard as I hold my pastor?
So I'm praying for God to help me excise this grudge that has rooted into my heart. The roots are deep, and it's going to hurt, but it just needs to go.
2.16.2010
Coming Out of the Dark
This is what I'm feeling today. The dark curtains are pulling back and revealing a bright shaft of sunlight.
Life is starting to lose the monochromatic hues of black, white, and grey. Let there be color!
My interests are coming back. My creative side, my love of cooking, my passion for being frugal.
All the blogs I subscribe to, the babyloss blogs are no longer the only ones that hold my attention.
Lord, thank you for the Rock of Your Love. Thank You for being the Light. Thank You for leading me out......
1.22.2010
Free At Last!!!!
(I hope I'm not jumping the gun on this)
A few days ago, Holly, a fellow babyloss mama and just an all-around wonderful person, announced some good news. Her Rainbow Baby is coming!!!
In this community, it's a cause for celebration.
In this community, that mood of celebration is mixed in with a whole stew of other emotions, too.
Anxiety for the new life growing.
Sadness for the one they lost, who won't know their little brother or sister this side of Heaven.
And there's a lot of self-pity and jealousy among us still dealing with infertility.
Never outright, for no one deserves to savor this moment quite like a babyloss mama.
I've watched a few grieving mommies go on to be mommies of new, healthy babies. And, while it's on my lips to thank God for those babies, the green-eyed monster has always lurked close by.
This time? I'm just happy. No complicated emotions, just happy and thankful to God for giving Holly this gift. My opinion is that she's earned it well. Not that my opinion means all that much. :)
God, You don't suck. Whether my day comes to be in Holly's position or not, It's all in Your capable Hands. It is well with my soul.
Someone posted this as a Facebook status update the other day and it resonated in my heart.
"God’s timing is perfect. God may not do things on your timetable or in the way that you would like, but he is never late. Sometimes we have to go through struggles and bad decisions to truly appreciate Christ and grow in the Lord."
I'm wondering if that temper tantrum I had wasn't the last of the bile that needed to be released. Because, since spewing all over Blogger, I feel free.....
A few days ago, Holly, a fellow babyloss mama and just an all-around wonderful person, announced some good news. Her Rainbow Baby is coming!!!
In this community, it's a cause for celebration.
In this community, that mood of celebration is mixed in with a whole stew of other emotions, too.
Anxiety for the new life growing.
Sadness for the one they lost, who won't know their little brother or sister this side of Heaven.
And there's a lot of self-pity and jealousy among us still dealing with infertility.
Never outright, for no one deserves to savor this moment quite like a babyloss mama.
I've watched a few grieving mommies go on to be mommies of new, healthy babies. And, while it's on my lips to thank God for those babies, the green-eyed monster has always lurked close by.
This time? I'm just happy. No complicated emotions, just happy and thankful to God for giving Holly this gift. My opinion is that she's earned it well. Not that my opinion means all that much. :)
God, You don't suck. Whether my day comes to be in Holly's position or not, It's all in Your capable Hands. It is well with my soul.
Someone posted this as a Facebook status update the other day and it resonated in my heart.
"God’s timing is perfect. God may not do things on your timetable or in the way that you would like, but he is never late. Sometimes we have to go through struggles and bad decisions to truly appreciate Christ and grow in the Lord."
I'm wondering if that temper tantrum I had wasn't the last of the bile that needed to be released. Because, since spewing all over Blogger, I feel free.....
1.18.2010
Human
This journey is unlike anything I've ever imagined myself walking.
I have moments when I'm so angry with God I can't even see straight.
It's impossible to fathom why He chose this route for my life.
And I'm only human. Created in His image, yes. But still prone to falling. To self-centeredness. To thinking I could do this better than Him, given the chance.
But I lack His all-encompassing vision to see the broader picture.
I went to bed last night with a heavy, heavy heart. And, despite my rant, I still found myself praying.
Not apologizing. He understands my pain. Even feels it Himself.
But praying for my new friends, walking this same road with me. Praying for my husband and my son. Thanking God for what I have instead of focusing on the opposite.
Yes, I did behave like a child last night, ranting on the blog. And don't you know that image of a child having a temper tantrum was in my head all day long? Me, throwing myself to the ground, kicking and screaming, while my Father looked on, feeling my pain but knowing He couldn't give me what I wanted because it wasn't best for me. Oh, yes, it was.
I'm not going to pull down last night's post. I'm human, and struggling my way through this. I'm not a saint. I could sit there and pull the pious face and never let you know the turmoil underneath.
It would even be easier than letting you see what's truly inside.
I have moments when I'm so angry with God I can't even see straight.
It's impossible to fathom why He chose this route for my life.
And I'm only human. Created in His image, yes. But still prone to falling. To self-centeredness. To thinking I could do this better than Him, given the chance.
But I lack His all-encompassing vision to see the broader picture.
I went to bed last night with a heavy, heavy heart. And, despite my rant, I still found myself praying.
Not apologizing. He understands my pain. Even feels it Himself.
But praying for my new friends, walking this same road with me. Praying for my husband and my son. Thanking God for what I have instead of focusing on the opposite.
Yes, I did behave like a child last night, ranting on the blog. And don't you know that image of a child having a temper tantrum was in my head all day long? Me, throwing myself to the ground, kicking and screaming, while my Father looked on, feeling my pain but knowing He couldn't give me what I wanted because it wasn't best for me. Oh, yes, it was.
I'm not going to pull down last night's post. I'm human, and struggling my way through this. I'm not a saint. I could sit there and pull the pious face and never let you know the turmoil underneath.
It would even be easier than letting you see what's truly inside.
11.07.2009
Walking With You - Thankful
Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. Walking With You is a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child who gather together each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.This month we are focusing on our gratefulness for the gifts we were given and the ways our lives were changed by the lives of our babies. I know that many people are busy, so this can be as simple or in-depth as you wish. I hope you will link your own post with us, sharing ways that you are thankful. I do think that reflecting on gratefulness is very valuable...especially in the throes of grief. Grief is big and consuming. The simplicity of counting our blessings refocuses a grieving heart from the giants of pain, sorrow, and hopelessness to the hope, comfort, peace, and eventually joy that waits for us on the other side of the valley. The comfort that waits for us in the arms of our Savior.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.- Refrain:
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
- Refrain:
- Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by. - When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings—wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high. - So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am thankful. As weird as those words taste to me, and probably sound to you, I am. I have been blessed in uncountable ways by my daughter's short life and Homecoming.
I have received comfort. From friends, from acquaintances. From perfect strangers. From God.
I have been richly gifted with new friends. My eyes have been opened to the value of the friends I'd already claimed. The support I've been given has sustained me, and held me upright through this process.
I'm so lucky it happened to me here. In Troy, Ohio. God put us in the perfect place to weather this storm. He surrounded us with caring people in the midst of our despair. He brought me to the one hospital with the one nurse with the ministry of photography and a heart for those tiny, tiny angels. He provided nurses who genuinely hurt for us, and weren't afraid to show it. An OB with a heart. When I look back at everything that happened, I cannot help but praise Him ~ He has well and truly provided.
I'm grateful this happened to me, not to someone I love. I am not strong enough to watch one of my friends go through this. That takes a special person. I'm so fortunate to have a few of those special people in my life. Too many others watch their friends fade away because they don't know how to bridge the gap after a loss like this. My friends are brave. They persevered. I am blessed beyond measure.
I'd been given hope where there had been none. I was resigned to infertility. Now I know it can happen. And, even better, God told me it will happen again.
I'm so thankful for the gift of my daughter. Leila Mae. I love her. Love to say that name. Right now, I have the memories, and when I die, I'll have her companionship. I guess that's a future gift, something to look forward to. A "Now and Later".
I've received the gift of experience. Knowing what this is like. Feeling it for myself. It's given me a depth of compassion I lacked.
And I've been given the opportunity to reach out to others going through this. How great is that!?!?
I Cor 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our troubles,
so that we can comfort those in any trouble
with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
10.12.2009
The Due Date is Dun.
Leila's day.
I awoke to the smells of pepperbeef slowly cooking in the crockpot.
Showered. Got my early morning grocery run in.
Arranged the desserts. Loaded the boys and the food into the car.
Off to the hospital.
Met up with Julie at the door. She let us into the break room. Helped me plug in the crockpot and spread out the goodies.
She got paged to go catch a baby. That kind of hurt, thinking it could have been me. Should have been.
Had a chance to hug my new friend and fellow DBM D'Anna. The latest in this incredible support system that has sprung from UVMC for me.
Anita showed up with these beautiful mums. The kind that always remind me of grempop's garden. Pink, yellow, deepest scarlet.
And a gift.
It's called "Safe in the Arms of Jesus". And it made me cry.
Saw my nurse Darla, and introduced her to my daughter. Thanked her - without her, I wouldn't have that tiny urn that means so much to me. Hugs. More tears.
And bumped into Dr. Ocampo, still in her baby-catching gear. She remembered me (amazing, since this woman - no, this saint - has a huge clientele). More hugs and words of encouragement.
And we went off to the Healing Garden (which used to be the hospital courtyard) to take the pictures that Anita knew meant the world to me. Pictures of Andrew and Leila. And Yasar and his daughter.
Afterward we had the pleasure of Anita and her husband Chuck's company at El Rancho Grande. We were there for hours, and yet it passed in a blink. God, thank you for bringing these amazing people into my life!
And then a visit from Christine. She brought this delicate little rose plant. Tiny pink roses. Just the same color I imagine Leila's lips to be.
The only thing I needed to make this day perfect would have been a hug from Nikki. But I expect to collect one of those soon. :)
God, you are soverign. You knew exactly who I would need in my life to get through this horrible time. I thank You so much for providing these, and so many others, who continually lift me up and help me walk. Who allow me to express myself without judgement. Who are always eager to assist in any way. I pray that you rain blessings on those people.
And I pray that You will help me pass Your blessing on to others. To help others walking this path, all the while pointing to You. You know who I have on my heart right now. I pray that you'll be with her and her husband, show her that, while this road sucks, it has moments of beauty and peace. That we can grow from this experience, and reflect Your love through our actions. And that, despite the pain of losing our babies, all things work together for Your purpose.
Amen.
I awoke to the smells of pepperbeef slowly cooking in the crockpot.
Showered. Got my early morning grocery run in.
Arranged the desserts. Loaded the boys and the food into the car.
Off to the hospital.
Met up with Julie at the door. She let us into the break room. Helped me plug in the crockpot and spread out the goodies.
She got paged to go catch a baby. That kind of hurt, thinking it could have been me. Should have been.Had a chance to hug my new friend and fellow DBM D'Anna. The latest in this incredible support system that has sprung from UVMC for me.
Anita showed up with these beautiful mums. The kind that always remind me of grempop's garden. Pink, yellow, deepest scarlet.
And a gift.
It's called "Safe in the Arms of Jesus". And it made me cry.
Saw my nurse Darla, and introduced her to my daughter. Thanked her - without her, I wouldn't have that tiny urn that means so much to me. Hugs. More tears.
And bumped into Dr. Ocampo, still in her baby-catching gear. She remembered me (amazing, since this woman - no, this saint - has a huge clientele). More hugs and words of encouragement.
And we went off to the Healing Garden (which used to be the hospital courtyard) to take the pictures that Anita knew meant the world to me. Pictures of Andrew and Leila. And Yasar and his daughter.
Afterward we had the pleasure of Anita and her husband Chuck's company at El Rancho Grande. We were there for hours, and yet it passed in a blink. God, thank you for bringing these amazing people into my life!And then a visit from Christine. She brought this delicate little rose plant. Tiny pink roses. Just the same color I imagine Leila's lips to be.
The only thing I needed to make this day perfect would have been a hug from Nikki. But I expect to collect one of those soon. :)
God, you are soverign. You knew exactly who I would need in my life to get through this horrible time. I thank You so much for providing these, and so many others, who continually lift me up and help me walk. Who allow me to express myself without judgement. Who are always eager to assist in any way. I pray that you rain blessings on those people.
And I pray that You will help me pass Your blessing on to others. To help others walking this path, all the while pointing to You. You know who I have on my heart right now. I pray that you'll be with her and her husband, show her that, while this road sucks, it has moments of beauty and peace. That we can grow from this experience, and reflect Your love through our actions. And that, despite the pain of losing our babies, all things work together for Your purpose.
Amen.
10.04.2009
A New Perspective
God has been working hard to get me to see something.
This past week has been a sad one. Lots of tears, more anger than I want to admit. But in the interest of full disclosure, I'm mad at God. Disgusted with Him right now. He's failed me. Left me with this broken heart instead of the precious child I expected.
A friend dropped off a book for me.
Safe In the Arms of God.
At first I scoffed. I've never questioned where Leila is today. My pain has never been about that question. It's been completely selfish.
I hurt. How do I deal with that?
Halfway through the book, it started to make sense.
I should be rejoicing that Leila will never experience a moment of disappointment. A tiny bit of pain. A fraction of anger.
I should be ecstatic that she's whole. Perfect. Mature. In God's Presence.
Cherished in heaven, far more than she could ever have been here on earth.
Then the pastor's sermon today, about rejoicing through grief.
The beauty of being a child of God, knowing our pain is temporary. Someday it will be gone, never to return. Being reminded that God may be using my grief as a teaching tool, honing me for some purpose. Causing me to rely completely on Him. Refocusing me.
And the clincher. K-Love's Encouraging Word for today:
Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
I've had more peace today than in the last few weeks.
I just pray it continues.
This past week has been a sad one. Lots of tears, more anger than I want to admit. But in the interest of full disclosure, I'm mad at God. Disgusted with Him right now. He's failed me. Left me with this broken heart instead of the precious child I expected.
A friend dropped off a book for me.
Safe In the Arms of God.
At first I scoffed. I've never questioned where Leila is today. My pain has never been about that question. It's been completely selfish.
I hurt. How do I deal with that?
Halfway through the book, it started to make sense.
I should be rejoicing that Leila will never experience a moment of disappointment. A tiny bit of pain. A fraction of anger.
I should be ecstatic that she's whole. Perfect. Mature. In God's Presence.
Cherished in heaven, far more than she could ever have been here on earth.
Then the pastor's sermon today, about rejoicing through grief.
The beauty of being a child of God, knowing our pain is temporary. Someday it will be gone, never to return. Being reminded that God may be using my grief as a teaching tool, honing me for some purpose. Causing me to rely completely on Him. Refocusing me.
And the clincher. K-Love's Encouraging Word for today:
Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, NLT
Clearly He's trying to get through to me.
I've had more peace today than in the last few weeks.
I just pray it continues.
9.29.2009
I Think I Get It Now....
I've done a complete 180 in the last few days, from dreading the Big Bad Due Date to actually anticipating it.
Because I'm planning to take that day and make it in honor of my Leila, but instead of moping, I'll be honoring her in a positive way.
By helping someone else.
So many other Glory Mommies do this:
Lea and her angel wings,
Bree and her butterflies,
Stephanie and her t-shirts (which are on my Christmas list),
Deborah and her hankies,
Kelly and her memory books and bears,
Celia and her blankets and hats,
Heather and her blog that offers support to new angel mommies,
my girl Anita and her amazing photography skills ~ without which, I'd have horrible memories of my baby. I love that I don't remember her, just the pictures you took of her.
And I know I'm missing a few others out there.
I think of these amazing women, and I finally understand.
They get through their grief by giving back. It's the only way they can make some sense of their loss. A healing balm.
And I'm taking my cue from them.
Leila, your due date is going to be a celebration of you. And I know in my heart that you're much happier with that decision than you would be with me staying in bed all day and crying.
It will be a day with tears, but also a day with smiles, hugs, and "thank you's". A day to look forward to.
Thank you to my examples. I love you ladies, and I wouldn't be where I am without your support.
Because I'm planning to take that day and make it in honor of my Leila, but instead of moping, I'll be honoring her in a positive way.
By helping someone else.
So many other Glory Mommies do this:
Lea and her angel wings,
Bree and her butterflies,
Stephanie and her t-shirts (which are on my Christmas list),
Deborah and her hankies,
Kelly and her memory books and bears,
Celia and her blankets and hats,
Heather and her blog that offers support to new angel mommies,
my girl Anita and her amazing photography skills ~ without which, I'd have horrible memories of my baby. I love that I don't remember her, just the pictures you took of her.
And I know I'm missing a few others out there.
I think of these amazing women, and I finally understand.
They get through their grief by giving back. It's the only way they can make some sense of their loss. A healing balm.
And I'm taking my cue from them.
Leila, your due date is going to be a celebration of you. And I know in my heart that you're much happier with that decision than you would be with me staying in bed all day and crying.
It will be a day with tears, but also a day with smiles, hugs, and "thank you's". A day to look forward to.
Thank you to my examples. I love you ladies, and I wouldn't be where I am without your support.
9.24.2009
Habakkuk 3:17-19 (NIV)
17 Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.
8.05.2009
Winding Down
A wise woman once said, "grief is like an onion - it has lots of layers. Just when you think you're doing well, another layer will peel off and you'll be left crying again."
For the past week or so, I've been feeling good. Not crying. Stable. Even happy. I find I have less to say on my blog. Is it possible that I'm getting over the intense pain? Or will another layer peel off?
AF is due in about a week. Yasar has been put on notice that I will be an emotional mess, and he's okay with that. I have no doubt she's coming, and here's my theory as to why:
I believe that God will be glorified with my next pregnancy. His goal is to be as glorified as possible. So does it make sense that He'll bless me when I'm more likely to get pregnant due to hormones? No. We've also been offered Clomid by the OB if we weren't pregnant after 3 cycles. Would it glorify God if I got pregnant using medical intervention? Not as much as it will when He drops that bomb on me again a few months (years) down the road. So I'm not expecting any surprises. Hopefully that takes the emotional aspect away from AF.
Another sign that I'm feeling better is that I don't desire to spend as much time on the computer anymore. I love all you fellow DBM's, and I still pray for you every chance I get.
So I hope you're fine with the slower pace over here at Mumblings. And maybe a few non-pregnancy loss posts. And I hope you know I wouldn't be where I am without you....
For the past week or so, I've been feeling good. Not crying. Stable. Even happy. I find I have less to say on my blog. Is it possible that I'm getting over the intense pain? Or will another layer peel off?
AF is due in about a week. Yasar has been put on notice that I will be an emotional mess, and he's okay with that. I have no doubt she's coming, and here's my theory as to why:
I believe that God will be glorified with my next pregnancy. His goal is to be as glorified as possible. So does it make sense that He'll bless me when I'm more likely to get pregnant due to hormones? No. We've also been offered Clomid by the OB if we weren't pregnant after 3 cycles. Would it glorify God if I got pregnant using medical intervention? Not as much as it will when He drops that bomb on me again a few months (years) down the road. So I'm not expecting any surprises. Hopefully that takes the emotional aspect away from AF.
Another sign that I'm feeling better is that I don't desire to spend as much time on the computer anymore. I love all you fellow DBM's, and I still pray for you every chance I get.
So I hope you're fine with the slower pace over here at Mumblings. And maybe a few non-pregnancy loss posts. And I hope you know I wouldn't be where I am without you....
7.24.2009
The Question I Was Afraid To Ask
Wednesday at the store brought a very special visitor. Anita, the OB nurse who took Leila's photographs, stopped in to say Hi and see how we were doing. My unlikely friend. She's kept up with me for these last two months, calling and leaving messages that she's praying for us. Listening when I just needed to talk. Another example of the many earthly blessings Leila has brought me.
Anita isn't just a talented photographer, or a very caring nurse. She also unbelievably gifted in the art of listening. I should say the dying art of listening. She got me talking about what I would have done differently, hindsight being what it is.
Regrets, I have a few. Things I wish I would have done with Leila. Like brought something personal for her, and have her pictures taken with it. To have been more present, and fought off the numbness. Slept with her. Held her through the night. To have insisted on the nurse breaking the amniotic sac and give her to me as soon as she was born.
All this time, I'd been under the impression that Leila was a live birth, and died on the warmer. Alone, wrapped in a towel.
And I said as much to Anita. I wished I would have held her until she went Home.
Anita dropped the bomb on me. Leila was stillborn.
I don't know how to feel about that. Betrayed, that my body killed her by putting her through labor when she was clearly too small to survive the contractions?
Or relieved, that I was holding her as she went to Jesus. True, not in my arms. But she was never alone.
Anita's a cancer survivor, and she has an amazing faith in God. She left me with these beautiful laminated cards with the precious scriptures that got her through her recovery, to help me get through mine. I treasure them, they stay in my purse so I'm never far from them. They're always at the ready when I need a dose of comfort.
Thank you, Anita. God bless you.
Anita isn't just a talented photographer, or a very caring nurse. She also unbelievably gifted in the art of listening. I should say the dying art of listening. She got me talking about what I would have done differently, hindsight being what it is.
Regrets, I have a few. Things I wish I would have done with Leila. Like brought something personal for her, and have her pictures taken with it. To have been more present, and fought off the numbness. Slept with her. Held her through the night. To have insisted on the nurse breaking the amniotic sac and give her to me as soon as she was born.
All this time, I'd been under the impression that Leila was a live birth, and died on the warmer. Alone, wrapped in a towel.
And I said as much to Anita. I wished I would have held her until she went Home.
Anita dropped the bomb on me. Leila was stillborn.
I don't know how to feel about that. Betrayed, that my body killed her by putting her through labor when she was clearly too small to survive the contractions?
Or relieved, that I was holding her as she went to Jesus. True, not in my arms. But she was never alone.
Anita's a cancer survivor, and she has an amazing faith in God. She left me with these beautiful laminated cards with the precious scriptures that got her through her recovery, to help me get through mine. I treasure them, they stay in my purse so I'm never far from them. They're always at the ready when I need a dose of comfort.
Thank you, Anita. God bless you.
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