Could It Be a Sign?

Next month we take some little pills to help us have a baby.

And I'm exploring other things to do to increase our chances. 

Like using Preseed.  I bought some last month to round out a drugstore.com order and get free shipping. 

But today I was reading some of the information on their website. 

And realized those little blue flowers along the header were...(sob)

Yes, they are. 

Angel, if it's you, and you're trying to tell me something,

Let me tell you.  I love you.  I miss you every minute of every day.

I want another baby.  But that baby will never replace you in my heart.

Why It's Different

Losing a child is an eye-opening experience.

Something I NEVER considered.  That babies sometimes die.  It's thrust front & center into your line of vision.  For some reason, maybe by your doing and maybe not, there's a litany of grief, pain, and tears of heartbroken mommies and daddies never far from your mind. 

Babies sometimes die.  That's a horrible, tragic reality for so many.

But so many of these people still have hope.  They've never struggled to get pregnant.  How wonderful it must be to know, when they're ready, they can try again.  And succeed. 

Leila was my miracle.  4 years in the making.  I'm at the cusp of losing my ability to conceive due to advanced maternal age.  

So I'm jealous of these families.  Yes, they have lost a baby.  And it's nothing to make light of.

But they have not lost hope. 

Jon & Kate, and How They Affect My Little Boy

I have never watched the Goss.elins and their highly publicized life on TV.  I've heard my family talk about them.  There's a fascination with them because we're from the same area and many of the places they visit are old haunts of ours. 

I've heard about their messy marital problems, but never really paid attention.

But now, since getting Net.flix and being able to stream the show, it's captured my attention.

And that's okay.  I'm a grown-up, I can process their "quirkiness" against a lifetime of experiences and morals.

But Andrew is also fascinated.  And last night it came to light why. 

He's jealous.

He wants siblings. 

He's asking why we can't do the same procedure they did.

Or why we can't go to the "donation center" and adopt a child.

Infertility is a FAMILY issue.  It's something that profoundly affects every single person in the family unit.  Not just the parents. 

How do I explain infertility to an almost-7 year old?  One who looks at a couple on TV and their miraculous delivery despite fertility problems?  How do I explain to him that those options aren't open to us?  That we couldn't afford IVF?  That adoption is out of our reach because of our financial collapse last year? 

I tell him to pray.  God listens to him.  And I told him about the doctor's appointment on Tuesday and the medicine we'll be talking about that might help me get pregnant.

My trusting child.  As soon as he heard "pills", he determined that we will be getting pregnant soon with the help of the medicine.

I pray that he's right.  My heart breaks to see him so disappointed.

The Anti-Rainbow Movement

Seriously, is EVERYBODY getting pregnant except me?

It feels that way.  One by one, my babyloss mamas, the people I leaned on for support since Leila died, I'm having to "hide" them on Facebook.  Because I have a serious case of sour grapes. 

I'm happy for them.  I am, really.  I just can't have their bubbly news slapping me in the face all the time. 

Once they have their babies, I'm good.  I can read about dirty diapers and spit-up and milestones all day. 

It's just that pregnancy is just too much for me.

DH says I need to get over it.  I agree.  Before Facebook gets too quiet. 

(sigh)

At church on Sunday, the pastor quoted the Bible.  "You have not because you ask not". 

So I'm asking begging, Lord, please.  Please...........

The Internet Can Be a Scary, Scary Place...

Today at work was a little dead.  The book I borrowed from the library just wasn't cutting it at holding my attentions.  All the prep for the day had been done.

So I break out Google on the crackberry and start reading about cervical polyps.

(note to self: never google medical conditions.  ever.)

Here's what I'm up against.  Minor outpatient surgery, along the same lines of a D&C.  1% chance of the polyp being malignant.  Quick recovery.

Best case scenario.

I'm nervous.  The ultrasound has been scheduled at the hospital for a week from tomorrow.  Dr. C. is looking for some specific things on that ultrasound, he's requested a detailed look at my ovaries and my uterus.  For my ovaries, I guess because of my infertility issues (despite my argument that I don't think we really want to be new parents again).  My uterus because it looked abnormal on his transvaginal u/s in the office, and because he saw some dark spots that may indicate some more polyps in my uterus. 

So, once my ears stopped ringing and I stopped sweating, I googled some more.  About polyps and how they affect fertility.

Here's the big news:  they don't.  They can act as almost an IUD and prevent implantation of the fertilized egg, but as far as I know I'm not dropping eggs to begin with.  Shoots that theory full of holes.

I'm trying to look at this surgery in a positive light - they may actually figure out what's wrong with me!  But on the other hand I just don't want to get my hopes up again.  This TTC spiral is just too emotionally sapping.  

And the icing on the cake, there  seems to be a flood of rainbow pregnancy announcements on Facebook lately.  And every one of them leaves me feeling a little more defective (while still rejoicing for those mommies and daddies, of course).

Will my day ever come?  Will I want it if/when it does?

Waking Up is Hard to Do

Oh, last night was amazing! I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive! We laughed and hugged and celebrated that God had smiled on us!

And then I woke up.

I'm usually relieved to wake up from a dream. But this one, I wanted to crawl back under the covers and live in it. Pray that God would make it my reality. Go back to before waking up ruined my life.

God, hear my cry!

Ready for my Badge of Honor Now...

I swear, I deserve some kind of medal or award for sitting in my old OB's office and keeping it together. And even talking to Dr. C, who had no idea Leila wasn't here with us on earth anymore (he strictly does GYN, while Dr. O does both OB and GYN).

It's not lost on me that, since Leila was not technically 20 weeks and therefore could not be listed as a stillbirth, the OBGYN history shows me as having "surgery" 5/21/09.

Ouch. OUCH!

I HAD A BABY, PEOPLE!

Anyway, Dr. C. is scheduling bloodwork on in a few weeks to catch me midcycle and see where my hormones are at. AND he wants to do a pap, even though I'm not due for one until July. His concern is that abnormal pap I got on my first pregnancy visit with Leila, even though the follow-up was normal.

Let's just pray that Blue Cross/Blue Shield covers this. My health insurance has no maternity rider. Not that, at this point, it's me trying to get pregnant. I've no doubt that eventually it will evolve into that, but right now it's just about figuring out why my body is acting the way it is.

At this moment, I'm just emotionally drained. And more than due for a big glass of vino. I'll take that over a medal any day.

Some Concerns

First, I seem to have lost my muse. It's challenge enough to pull together my weekly blog over at Almost Frugal - I just don't seem to have much to say otherwise. At least, not anything new or exciting.

I miss her. A lot. As her birthday creeps closer, my emotions are closer to the surface. I'm dreading Mother's Day, which will also be a baby dedication at our church. Might just have to skip that one.

But, before M-Day, the GYN. (men, please feel free to scroll down.) Ever since about CD12ish, I've been spotting. The internet is a wonderful and scary thing, with its wealth of conflicting medical information. So I made an appointment with my GYN for Wednesday. Combine the spotting with the inability to lose weight, (extreme) irritability, infertility, and a few other symptoms that I'll spare you, and I'm wondering if there's a progesterone deficiency. When I was pregnant with Leila I was diagnosed with LP and put on suppositories until we got to 14 weeks. I'm not making excuses, and this isn't as much about getting pregnant as finding out what's going on (not that I'd sneeze at a BFP).

Until then, I'll keep up my organic, borderline-vegetarian diet and my daily 4-mile walks. And the head scratching as to why the scale refuses to budge. And hopefully Dr. C will be able to shine some light on my situation.

One funny thing that happened today. We didn't plan ahead and ended up starving and out of town. Stopped at a Chinese buffet. I had the HARDEST time eating there. Just looking at all the fat and cheese and fried stuff was nauseating. They had a Mongolian grill, I loaded up with veg and some noodles, got to the meats, and just could not put any of that protein on my plate. I watched a trailer for a movie called Earthlings, and that's all I had flashing through my head (if you like to eat meat or have an affinity for animals, don't Google this. It's like the Faces of Death of the industrial meat industry. You've been warned.) So there I sat, with my sad little bowl of wonton soup and my veggie noodle stirfry. Yasar and I looked at each other and it was clear: we'd completely lost whatever enjoyment we once had in regards to eating out.

That's all, Folks! Emily out...

The Crying Game

This whole weekend (and today) has been one sopping, tear-soaked moment followed by the next.

I miss my little girl SO BAD.

I desperately want to be pregnant again.

I can't for the life of me figure out what the flip is wrong with my family. And I'm rapidly getting to the point where I just don't give a crap anymore. You know who you are.

And I've just spent the last two hours mired in paperwork, the likes of which I never in my life expected to be filling out.

So I've got Eminem screaming in my ears, the only music on my mp3 player angry enough to match my mood right now.

Life's not fair.

People are throwing their newborns away, when I'd give everything I have to still have my little girl safe in my womb.

People get pregnant so easily, too easily, and then abort their babies.

Families should be supportive instead of drumming up unnecessary drama on a woman walking the edge of a high cliff. You'd think they'd understand that I'm still grieving and put aside their pathetic agendas for just one minute. But no, not mine.

I have all I need. My God, my husband, my son. Everything else is just noise.

But I've had so much to cry about this weekend. Seeing an old friend and meeting her new daughter, Piper. Church. Lots of deep conversations with Yasar. And nothing. Just crying for no particular reason.

Raw

It's odd to me to feel so emotional again. I really thought I had a hold of my grief, instead of the other way around.

Today found me just begging God for that next chance to be a mommy again. Begging like I imagine Sarai begged. Tears rolling down my face. And God led me to the booklet that Anita gave me, that precious booklet of verses that I carry with me in my purse.

I stopped, and asked God to lead me to the verse, to speak to my heart. I opened it at random...

Phillippians 4:6-9
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. ...And the peace of God will be with you.

Wow. Wow wow wow! I feel so humbled. And so privileged, that God would speak to me that openly. It's easy, when your heart is dying inside you, to think that God doesn't care about you. That nobody cares or understands you.

And then I remember He knows what it's like to lose a child.

Lurking Around Every Corner....

Do not, for even one second, think that I'm doing great. I'm not over losing my little girl. But I'm learning to live with loss and moving on.

It seems like, every once in awhile, something triggers an all-out surprise bawl-fest.

Today it was googling foods to avoid while TTC. Somehow I landed on BabyCenter, and they proceeded to tell me I'm 31 weeks pregnant. My little girl is 16 inches and 3.3 lbs.

My heart breaks anew, every time I run into something like that.

And these little landmines are everywhere.

TTC bits

Yasar and I want to have another baby.

I believe with all my heart that God has one for us, and is waiting for that right moment to bless us again. But I don't believe He's going to do His work when we expect it. So any traditional fertility treatments are probably not going to happen.

That being said...

Last week, my husband was at a business meeting with other professionals from different occupations. And the speaker was a local chiropractor.

Dr. Josh spent lots of time talking about so many different facets of health, and how they're all controlled by your spinal column.

Including fertility.

DingDingDing! Bells and whistles start going off in Yasar's head.

So I went to my first appointment Monday. They took x-rays (Aunt Flo had arrived that morning, before you ask), and later that evening I went back for the interpretation.

The verdict? In a nutshell, my spine's a mess. And Dr. Josh is going to fix me up, good as new.

Now, going to the chiropractor sucks. I hate the little zappy pads. Not too wild about the rolly table, either. Having the Doc sit on me? Uhhh, well, he's cute, so we'll let that go. Hearing my neck crack? Ugh! Sounds like popcorn in my head!

Will it help us have a baby? Hmmmm...

Also, as a side note, I looked back in my food diary from when we conceived Leila. And I'm trying to mimic that diet again. High fiber, normal fat intake of good, healthy fats. Low on the processed foods. Consequently, the buzz is this will also help Andrew's attention span and impulsive behavior. We're also going to take a stab at eliminating dairy from our diets. With homeschooling, we should be able to get a fairly full picture of the benefits of this new diet.

With us luck!