are You there, God?

or are You still in hiding? because i still feel so empty. like i've been deserted. not good timing.

while i'm hurling my words at the sky, i'd like to ask You a question.

how could You?

wasn't dealing with infertility enough of a tragedy for me? did You have to wait until i was resigned to having just one child to throw that curve ball at me?

a positive pregnancy test. i remember sitting at the table next to my friend christine with my head in my hands, absolutely sick to my stomach. yes, i was that resigned, the positive test was not a completely welcome surprise.

and then i fell in love with my baby. and started freaking out when i was spotting.

the inconvenience and mess of progesterone inserts twice a day.

a big sigh of relief when i passed that 14 week mark, when the placenta would make enough progesterone and the baby was "safe".

the threat of miscarriage gone. no more holding back my emotions. we were going to have a baby.

God, why did You let me get past my first trimester? why did You let me feel feel secure that we were given this remarkable gift? that leila was a "given"?

this little girl. the daughter that we both wanted so badly.

You saw yasar's eyes when i told him it was a she. how could You disappoint him so badly?

are You trying to stop me from relaxing? feeling complacent? because You've certainly kept me on my toes.

and now You go and disappear on me? how am i supposed to navigate these waters without You?

my marriage feels like it's seeded with landmines. my husband's angry with me, and i don't care. and then he wants to make up, and i don't care about that, either.

my son is so often lately angry with me.

my daughter is in a small fake-stone container, to cold to offer any comfort.

more and more often, it becomes a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. paste a smile on my face. draw another breath. why bother?

where are You when I need You?

My 6-Week Checkup

Can it possibly be 6 weeks since I last saw Leila? Time is fleeting...

I wish I had something exciting to report. But outside a pap smear, a normal BP, and a much lower number on the scale, it was a pretty ho-hum experience.

My OB is a wonderful and very sympathetic woman. She said, if I'm not pregnant in the next 3 months, to come back and she'll start me on Clomid. I'm pretty sure I could have cajoled her into doing it now, but it's not really something to anticipate. It's been a few years since taking it, but I remember Clomid making me feel completely drained of energy, and it had me stuffing so much protein in my mouth I gained something like 30 lbs. in two months.

Hopefully we don't have to take that route. Hopefully it'll just happen naturally.

I also took Leila's pictures in to show the staff. Dr. O said that Anita, the talented nurse who took the pictures, was just asking about us and how we're doing. Six weeks later, we've not been forgotten by these wonderful women working in the OB unit at the hospital. Amazing to find a support system in an unexpected place.

That's all that's new here. Other than my hubby begging me to dye the grey out of my hair (Never!), and Andrew getting another wobbly baby tooth, things are pretty quiet on the homefront.

Quiet's good. Right?

Hollow

Empty. Diminished. Vacant. Depressed. Lost. Numb. So, so sad.

Our beautiful little Leila Mae was born Thursday night. She was barely 8 inches long, and tipped the scales at 7 ounces.

Our miracle baby is gone, and I'm struggling to understand why. Why she left us so soon. Why God allowed that to happen. Why God chose to give me something I gave up on asking for years ago when it became a never-ending fertility trap and I realized the pain I was causing myself, only to gift me so richly with her, and then snatch her away again. It seems so cruel. I'm trying not to be angry. I want to see the good in this - and there's so much to see. But at 4am, when the sleeping pills wear off and I'm left with my mind spinning and whirling and full of images from the hospital, it gets hard to go all Pollyanna on this particular tragedy.

SHE WAS MY DAUGHTER! I WAS SUPPOSED TO SCREAM AND CRY IN PAIN, PUSHING HER INTO THIS WORLD. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE UP ALL NIGHT WITH HER, FEEDING HER AND CHANGING HER WHILE DESPERATELY WISHING SHE WOULD JUST GO TO SLEEP! I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THOSE FIRST SMILES, AND TELL MYSELF THAT THE WHOLE "IT'S JUST GAS" THING IS A LOT OF HOOEY. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HER MOM!!!

Where do I go from here?

19 Weeks

This has been a hard last few weeks. There's been so much worry, due to the previa. I've been spotting for the last two days. The doctor's not too concerned, I wish I could say the same.

We had an appointment yesterday. It went pretty well, the doctor pulled up a picture of our little Mildred on the ultrasound. She's growing like a weed! Her bones are calcifying, and she's the size of a large tomato (consequently, one of Yasar's favorite foods). She's tipping the scales at half a pound, too. My big girl!

As for me, my weight is still pretty low. It's like my OB's office has a magic scale - it never seems to move for me, unlike the one in my bathroom. I've probably dropped a pound since last visit, which still puts me in the -8 lb from prepregnancy weight, when I should have gained between 8 and 14 lbs by now, according to the weight calculators out there on the web. Again, my doc's cucumber-cool about it, and she's the expert, right?

Mildred's also been making her presence known with her in-utero calesthenics. She's quite the dancer, and stretching her legs all the time. I don't feel kicks per se, but she gets those little heels against the side of my uterus and lays on the pressure! Some days she's more awake than others, but she pretty much makes her presence known daily. :)

Just keep praying that the placenta moves so the bleeding will stop.

Facing My Demons

Yes, I'm still alive. Still upright and taking nourishment. Call it laying low, or hiding out, or just plain being lazy, but the blogging life has suffered as a result.

What's been going on? Well, I have someone who's a little too interested in my life right now, and has really no place to be. I've nipped it in the bud on Facebook, but I can't employ the same actions on the oh-so-public blog. I'm sooo tempted to pull this blog down, except it's been such a lifeline to me. I'd miss the writing, the responses, and the friends and enemies made along the way. I don't want to give this person that much control over my life. Why should everything change, just because someone is making me uneasy? I learned that from my friend Tricia, that you can never bow to the outside forces. You have to stay brave and persevere. Thanks, Pixie! You're awesome (but you already knew that).

The pregnancy's marching on. Some days it's harder, and I just want to cover my face and cry. But then I feel that little tumble in my belly. Or Andrew gives my tummy a goodnight kiss. Or I get to hold my friend's newborn daughter. And I realize how much I want this. I can't wait to see this little girl. Count her toes. Fall asleep with her on my chest. Experience being a new mommy again, exhaustion and all.

It was different with my pregnancy with Andrew. I was so self absorbed! It wasn't about the baby, it was all meMeME! What a new experience, to look forward to this new life, to see this pregnancy as a means to an end.

I've started exercising on a regular basis. We're so lucky to have a park here in own with a 1.8 mile walking track. I'm making it a habit to get out there while Andrew's in school and waddle my way around it (yes, waddle. it's started already.) Thank God for NPR Planet Money podcasts! And last night we all went for a bike ride. I'm happy to say that, while I'm still below my prepregnancy weight, I've gone up a little - it's a good thing. I was so weight-obsessed that my baby girl was starting to show the effects.

Please don't give up on me. I'm tired, and it seems that every time I power up the computer my head starts pounding.

And thanks for understanding....

Week 16 Update

Wow, this has been a nutty week! I started cramping in the lower belly Monday, then spotting, then of course FREAKING OUT. So it started...

My OB is out for a few weeks for hand surgery. I called her office early Tuesday morning, they could get me into her substitute OB on Wednesday at noon. Then they called me back and sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound. My big concern had been dilation, and I expressed this to the girl, she said they'd check that at the hospital.

Yeah, they didn't. They did a full scan of the baby, measuring everything, and didn't even once stop to look at my cervix. And you know how those hospital techs are, completely tight-lipped.

Wednesday, at the substitute OB's office, I got another ultrasound. Fortunately the tech there told me everything looked great, both with the baby and my cervix. I guess I have a tilted uterus, and an anterior placenta, but the baby looks great. Heart rate of 144, roughly 5 ounces, size-wise the baby's only a few days behind now.

And, in her experienced opinion, even at the early date....

IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE GIRL! WOO-HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Finding Balance

Houston, we have a problem.

Andrew's been displaying some unusual behaviors in school lately. I'd attributed it to his bout of bronchitis back in the Ides of March, but apparently his preschool teacher has a different opinion. Not that there's anything wrong with that - we're certainly not experts at this parenting thing. But she talked to Yasar about them, and he seems to be running with it.

Her opinion? Andrew's acting out because of the baby. Yasar's opinion? It's all my fault. I'm talking about the baby too much, paying more attention to my middle than my son, and I'm promoting a pre-sibling rivalry thing here.

Of course I'm happy about the baby. I'm excited! After so many years of trying to get pregnant and facing disappointment month after month, this is a fantastic surprise! Now, how do I get Andrew on board with me?

Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm as obsessive about this pregnancy as I was my first. Sure, I enjoy checking out what all the different websites say about the baby's development as the weeks go by. And it's awesome to get an ultrasound and peek in on the little one. But I have Andrew now, my entire focus can't be on the pregnancy. So it's not.

But I do talk to Andrew about it. After all, he's going to be almost six when we bring his new brother or sister home. He's at an age where he understands things, and can process more complex concepts. We can reason with him. Which is what I've been trying to do - prepare him. Getting books from the library and DVD's on baby development. I figured if he could grasp the miracle that this is, he'd have more of a benevolent demeanor towards his new sibling.

Apparently I'm wrong. I guess they expect you to come home with newborn to a completely oblivious kindergartener, and deal with it on the spot. Yeah, that's not going to be high drama, is it?

So I turn to you, helpful reader. What are your thoughts on how to address this? What would be the best way to balance this out, keep Andrew in the loop without overloading him with TMI?

15 Weeks

Well, the baby looks like a baby now. No more reptilian features, webbed fingers and tail's gone, and (s)he actually has a neck now. And getting bigger every day. I marvel at the miracle....

Not much to report with me. I feel better, the nausea's all but gone. The maternity clothes I bought are super-comfy, but still not strictly necessary.

I've really been spending alot of time trolling craigslist and seeking out great deals on the items we're going to need. Last night was a bathtub and a Pack & Play. Once we find out if it's going to be Mildred or Wilbur, the shopping will definitely intensify. But, until then, I'm sitting on my hands.

I'm pleased at how quiet everything is here. Because it's time to start cleaning and packing up this house.

Further Updates from the OB

Okay, first things first - no weight gain. :)

The PAP came back abnormal, but they won't be doing any further investigating until after the delivery. Not sure whether to be nervous about that or not, but Yasar looked like a bomb dropped when we got that tidbit. I tried to explain to him that, worst case scenario, cervical cancer is one of the most treatable. And abnormals often correct themselves over time. We leave it in God's capable hands.

As you may hear in the video, the baby is measuring a little small. Developmentally behind between 8 and 10 days. I'm blaming this on my appetite. Anyway, Dr. Ocampo has scheduled another ultrasound for my next appointment, and I'm guessing this is why. Unfortunately, I just don't know how to gain weight! I mean, the day before the appointment, I put away a whole medium thin crust veggie pizza by myself, and if that's not going to make the scale budge, what will? I may have to tell the doctor about my family history - both my mom and my sister couldn't put on weight during pregnancy. I can't help but be a little smug about my weight, after the fat-fest that was Andrew's pregnancy. I'm just so glad I have resources....

Which brings me to my next bit of news. I was approved for WIC this week! I'm not so concerned about the free food as access to both a nutritionist and a lactation consultant, as well as continuing education classes. I talked to the nutritionist and explained my goal of gaining 15-20 lbs in this pregnancy, and she supported that. So, if I have any concerns, it's nice to have someone to call.

So that's what's been going on here. We go back to the OB when I'm just barely into my 19th week, with high hopes on finding out if it's going to be a Wilbur or a Mildred.

Guess what? We're having a....

Baby! Sorry, we'll find out the flavor next month. Until then, for your viewing pleasure....

14 Weeks

My baby, oh those changes! You're supposed to be as big as my fist now, covered with lanugo, sucking your thumb and swimming away. All your organs are fully functioning, as is the placenta. That probably explains why I'm feeling more human these days. Thank you!

Pretty soon I'll be feeling you bump against the inside of my tummy. They say it's usually 16 to 20 weeks, but it happens sooner if you've already had a baby. This is something I'm really looking forward to, since this pregnancy still doesn't seem "real". I've not really gained weight, my boobs still look close to normal. It's still too easy to discredit everything, even the ultrasounds.

This week's food cravings? It's been all about the baked potato. Mmm-mmmmmm! Since my husband's not much of a fan of ham, and doesn't enjoy turkey at all, we improvised Easter dinner into a roasted chicken, asparagus, and this fingerling potato mix that was on the clearance rack at Meijer this week. Weird, purple potatoes, along with some normal reds and baby Yukon Golds. The purple ones didn't taste any different, but I couldn't make myself swallow them. But those others went down pretty smooth, along with some chow-chow.

Ultrasound this week. We're anxiously awaiting Thursday's appointment. I'm hoping thqat maybe seeing this baby become a reality to Andrew will push me along with him.

13 Weeks

My baby, how you're growing! Anywhere from 3 to 3.5 inches long, you're a little longer than my middle finger. I keep looking at my hands and trying to picture you, all the while convincing myself that you're real, and growing inside me. Your teeth are starting to form under your gums, and you already have one-of-a-kind fingerprints. You are truly a miracle.

I'm having trouble believing that we're pregnant. I seem to be losing weight, and I fell asleep on my stomach last night with no discomfort. I'm not feeling nauseated or overly tired anymore - that's a blessing! But I'm just not interested in food. I talked to my sister last night, she said this is probably what normal-weighted people feel, not obsessed about food, just simply using it as fuel. Interesting.

Yasar and I thought we'd come up with the perfect names for boy/girl, but we've revisited them this week and picked out new ones. It's sometimes hard to compromise with him, his ideas of names come from a completely different world than mine.

Other than that, things are quiet. Ultrasound next week.

200 Days

I know I missed my 11 weeks post, obviously there's a lot of plates spinning right now. But I just realized that I have 200 days of pregnancy left. Wow, that sounds like a long time, doesn't it? But you know, it'll be gone in a wink.

Thankfully, my nausea has all but gone away. Food actually looks GOOD now, which in it's own right is scary. I'm determined not to blow it, weight-wise, like I did with Andrew's pregnancy. But last night, I just couldn't say no to the beef. McD's QPC went down so smooth, especially with that chocolate chip cookie chaser. Mmmmm! Maybe it's an iron thing, but suddenly the cow is king.

Our little blessing is the size of a large lime. Who knows how big a lime is? I mean, isn't it just a green lemon? Unless you're talking about key limes (mmm, key lime pie). Anyway. (S)he's bopping around in there, movin' and groovin'. All systems are functional, now they just need to get bigger. Boy parts/girl parts are becoming more distinguishable. We have a doctor's appointment today, and they'll probably try to hear the heartbeat on the Doppler, but I'm not holding my breath (too many layers down there to listen through).

Andrew commented to his dad that, with all that's going on with us financially, maybe having a baby brother isn't such a good idea. :)

10 Weeks Pregnant

My mom called yesterday, pretty concerned that she'd seen nothing new on the blog in a few days. :)

Last week, after my doctor's appointment, my OB sent me to the ER because of this stupid bronchitis. I'm feeling a billion times better now, since running through a course of antibiotics and a breathing treatment, but I still have a cranky cough and am still feeling VERY tired. Whether it's because of the pregnancy or illness, I have no idea.

This week the prevailing wisdom is that I can start telling everyone about the bun in my oven! My baby is almost fully functional, just in miniature. (S)he's about this size of a small plum, has little bitty toenails, and is covered in fur. (S)he's also starting to move about, though I'm still a few weeks from feeling it.

For me, the nausea is just starting to become noticeable. And I'm not positive that it's either the pregnancy or the end of the winter blahs. For those who have read A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, I'm thinking it's about time for a big sour pickle. Anyway, I'm feeling a little queasy in the mornings, and nothing looks particularly yummy for the rest of the day. Though we went out to Wendy's last week and got a Single with cheese, and the combination of mustard, onion, and lettuce was ambrosia! It seems the more caustic the food, the more appealing it is. And no, I've had no desire for ice cream with my pickles. Smarty pants.

Andrew's probably got a better grasp on the impending baby than Yasar and I do. He's starting to get a little more cuddly (that's a nice way of saying "clingy"). I'm anxious to see how this is all going to play out with him. We just keep reminding him how special he is, and that's he's going to have a very important job when the baby comes, that being his role as a big brother and positive role model.

So that's the state of the union. We're still here, just laying low. I'm hoping this nausea goes away as promised in a week or two. And I could really use a little boost of energy.

Oh, and I'm a quarter of the way through this pregnancy! Woo-hoo!

Post Doc Appt Update

I'd call everyone, but I'm still really sick and hacking and short of breath. Here's the latest:

Yes, we got the ultrasound today. Sorry, no pictures, but we got to see a heartbeat, and the baby looks very much like the picture from the last post. Absolutely beautiful. Do I need to tell you I cried?

The blood around the fetus (yes, it's a fetus now, having graduated this week from an embryo) is gone, however I'll be keeping with the progesterone suppositories until 14 weeks. Not much of a headache, I'm resigned to them by now.

I got raked over the coals for my pallor, and had some trouble explaining to the doctor that I'm not sleeping much lately because I can't lay flat for any length of time. I wish we had a La-Z-Boy or something, it'd be so much easier to rest. But I'm on low-dose antibiotics, so hopefully I can kick this cold/flu/whatever soon and get back to BED!

For some reason I'm being kept on a 2-week schedule with appointments. If they consider me high risk, they've certainly given me no indication why (aside from the obvious, age-weight-miscarriage history). They're also requesting my information from Andrew's delivery in Columbus. Again, I'm clueless as to why, but I'm not concerned about it.

All that, and the icing on the cake - I lost 4 lbs. God is so good!

9 Weeks

I can't believe we've made it this far. It's like I have to keep pinching myself and saying "this is real!". How long we'd wished for another baby, and those dreams have finally come true.

According to different sources, the baby is somewhere between the size of a medium green olive and my big toe. It doesn't weigh much, but that's about to change. It's moving independently, it's heart has completed development into 4 chambers, and it's resembling a human being more and more.

My uterus is supposed to be the size of a "small cantaloupe" now, but you'd never notice it for how fat I am. I have, however, deserted my jeans for the time being...Yasar and I went to Sam's Club this week, and being strapped into his car, with those jeans digging in across my navel, it's like I could feel something in there that wasn't quite normal. Almost hard. So from now on I'm going to stick to my yoga pants.

Weight-wise, this week has been an up-and-down roller coaster. If you're my friend on Facebook, you know we've been sick here. I've been struggling with achiness, congestion, coughing, and the fear that whatever I have is going to morph into a chest cold (I'm asthmatic, so that's a real and very scary proposition). Anyway, the last few days I've had trouble getting calories in. From what I've read, God created the baby to be able to weather the first trimester sickness, so I figure a few days won't hurt baby. I'm still addicted to my ice water, though, and have no trouble getting that down.

Yasar's rooting for a girl. Andrew wants a brother. At least someone will be happy!

We go back to see the doctor Tuesday. I'm really anxious to hear what he has to say about my progesterone levels, and am seriously hoping he does another ultrasound so maybe we can get a fetal heart rate (I'll finally be able to relax with that information in hand!).

Again, everyone, thanks for keeping us in your prayers. I completely credit you and God for keeping this baby where (s)he is. You're awesome!

8 Weeks

Hooray! We've officially made it to 8 weeks! Thank you all so much for your prayers, I'm convinced they made all the difference!

Look at that sweet picture! About the size of a lima bean. You've come a long way in the last 6 weeks, my little miracle!

This week has been rough. The progesterone is unpleasant at best. It stings and itches, and it's putting me on a roller coaster of emotions. And the need for being on additional hormones has definitely interfered with my bonding with the baby. It's almost as if I'm holding back for fear that this will end badly. I understand that's normal, but it still doesn't make me feel good about this.

Cravings this week have been (again) for spicy minestrone soup, and canned goods (soup, beans, fruit cocktail). Also, could I be more textbook? Pickles, of course. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Still not feeling like eating chocolate or drinking coffee, and swiss cheese was not my friend. Macaroni and cheese, on the other hand.....

Afternoons can get a little rough. Sometime around noon or so, my energy just drains away. Andrew has been a real champ, sometimes even taking a long nap with me, snuggled up in my bed. He's all about helping mom right now, any way he can. I'm so blessed with my son!

Funny story - Andrew told me the other day how scared he was to have a baby when he grows up. I was so glad to waylay his fears and let him know that he'll never be required to push a baby out of his belly, but he'll probably be forced to watch it happen to his wife someday. Which is more painful? Remains to be seen.

We've got to get through this week, then early next week we'll be back to see the doctor. I'm anxious for that appointment - I've read that progesterone supplements can retain a pregnancy that by all rights should have failed (women getting their 20 week ultrasound only to find that the baby died at 16 weeks!). I want to see a heartbeat, complete with numbers.

So that's my update. Please continue to pray for us and our little lima bean!

Our First Baby Picture

Not a very high resolution picture, but believe me when I say it's not much better in real life. The dark line on the right side of the embryo is what I think the doctor is concerned about, and the reason he's supplementing progesterone - there should be no line of demarcation.

Hopefully the next doctor visit will provide better pictures for us to share with you. :)

Sick

For the record, progesterone stinks. I've been lightheaded, nauseated, and exhausted for the last 2 days. And everything I read on the web states that this is a controversial treatment and has never been proven to work. I very much hope that's not the case here, because I'd hate to be feeling this way for nothing.

I'm a little sad, too. I find myself detaching from the pregnancy because I'm afraid it's not going to be viable. I know it's natural, but it still makes me feel bad. I almost wish I could rewind a few days and not know what I do, I was so much happier this past weekend. Thank God He's got control over this situation, and I can trust Him to do what is best.

But so far, so good. No bleeding, no cramping.

It's going to be a long 2 weeks before we see the doctor again. Please keep us in your prayers.

We Need Prayer

Well, the OB called yesterday with the results from my bloodwork, and my progesterone is low. He said it's not too bad, nothing to worry myself over, but he wants me to take progesterone suppositories twice a day.

I like the guy, but I have a distinct feeling that he's soft-pedalling his opinions for my benefit.

I started the hormones last night. Please keep us in your prayers.