To My Husband

This was Yasar's Valentine's Day gift in 2008. While we've added some layers of struggle, we've built a rock-solid foundation. I just wanted to share this with you today in honor of my soulmate, Yasar.





The day God created you,

He had a special plan.

He knew that you would fit so well

With a girl in a distant land.

Through growing up, and moving out,

Life experiences like notches on a belt.

Learning lessons that would one day

Serve them, together, in a special way.

One day the girl got a new job,

Wendy’s would be her new profession.

And this dashing man, a professional fry-guy,

Would be her new obsession.

But the two didn’t understand each other,

The language proved a barrier.

So they moved in different directions,

Regretfully passing in two different futures.

A few years passed, higher education desired,

A fateful meeting at college.

The language barrier diminished,

A renewed affection acknowledged.

What to say about those first days?

A new love affair is so exciting!

Atlantic City, Chincoteague, Niagara Falls,

They fell for each other while driving.

Alas, it is never so easy as it should be,

Trouble came in the form of their families.

Decisions to make, where do their hearts lie?

They clung to each other, hoping to deny.

A long-distance move, was it a mistake?

A college apartment, poverty, dismay.

Struggle, anger, fights, and tears,

Immaturity was the order of the day.

One day a decision was made,

To separate one into two.

They weren’t ready to promise

A lifetime of being a couple.

A few months went by, independence.

They learned to be without the other.

Then one blustery February morning,

Cupid again brought them together.

Should they stay? Should they split?

The compatibility was still so obvious!

Falling back into old habits,

Comfortable, like well worn pajamas.

Two became one again, as God had intended.

A wedding was being planned.

A special surprise, the best one ever,

Sealed them as a family forever.

One May afternoon, in front of family,

They committed to be married.

The beach, a helicopter ride, Pet Star,

Two with a third in the waiting.

Spring turned to summer, summer to fall,

The girl’s waistline expanding,

A trip to the hospital, pain, exhilaration,

Evidence of God’s perfect blessing.

A little boy, the center of the world,

With his daddy’s beautiful eyes.

Their hearts, so full of love, overflowed,

The precious gift entrusted to them.

A move, a business, a baby becoming a child,

Struggle, conflict, problems and solutions.

Mortgage, taxes, utilities, and adulthood.

They face them together, united.

In my heart, I am always grateful

To God for His infinite forethought

The day, on the other side of the world,

That you became you, destined for me. For us.

I love you. When it’s hard, when I’m mad, when you’re mad, when we just don’t seem to fit together, when we want to kill each other. When the stresses of this life seem overwhelming. You’re still the one.

The Shoe on the Other Foot

It was 2002.

My husband was the store manager of the D.omino's Pizza at Lockbourne and Williams in the south end of Columbus. I also worked there on my days off from my "real" job.

There was a 16-year-old girl working there. Amanda. Dating the assistant manager, 18-year-old Darrell.

It was like a bad country song. Amanda knew that Darrell was sleeping around on her, and she grew more and more clingy and needy, as a 16-year-old girl is wont to do.

She got pregnant with Darrell's baby.

Did getting pregnant cement Darrell's fidelity? Do pigs fly?

So needy, clingy Amanda became needy, clingy, pregnant Amanda. Working with her baby daddy who was bringing other girls to the store and flaunting them.

At 22 weeks, Amanda gave birth to a sleeping little girl.

I remember thinking that it was a blessing. One less baby in the welfare system. One more chance for Amanda to have a normal life. I never, for one second, considered that girl's pain.

Now I live that pain.

Granted, it's different. Amanda bounced back emotionally in record time. And caught pregnant with Darrell again in a few months.

I can't help but want to reach back through time and smack my sanctimonious self in the head.

So when I read comments like those on this post, I understand the perspective of someone who has never been blessed to be the mommy of an angel. And I pray that the lesson I had to learn the hard way doesn't have to repeat itself on them.

Bookcase Makeover

Yesterday's Project...

From this:

To this:

It's hard to see how pathetic the original was, but trust me when I tell you it's true. Andrew tested out his art chops on it when he was a baby (and as long ago as a few weeks ago when he was mad at me).

The transformation probably cost more than I expected, about $40 in materials from Hobby Lobby. But the good news is I have enough of the patterned fabric left to cover the horrible cushion on my hope chest. Yay!

This is my first dip into Shabby Chic, and I think I'm hooked. My next project? Talking Yasar into helping me make this for our new place. He's not sold on it yet, but if nothing else I am the Master Manipulator and Chief Button-Pusher! :)

Tailspin

Emotional eating. My nemesis.

These last 10 days have been so hard! My motivation has disappeared. There's a hole in my heart that food isn't filling, even though I'm trying desperately to make it so.

In my head, I know it doesn't work. But I keep trying, like an idiot, to stop the emptiness.

macandcheeseanimalcrackersnutellagreenbeanspeanutbuttercheezits.......

It was just this endless parade of food last night. It would have been way worse had I not "phoned a friend" and spent two hours catching up with her.

I think so much of this stems from Christine's moving away. She filled a spot in my life so perfectly. It's doubtful that anyone could fill in that gap. Or that, if they could, I'd want them to. I just miss her. Andrew misses her kids and cries about them every day. This is an adjustment that's going to take some time.

So, looking forward, today I'm going to attempt a liquid-only diet (I'd say clear liquid but I must have my coffee and creamer) to hopefully clear some of the junk out of my body. I'm going to get on the Wii Fit and do some yoga. And I'm going to pray for God to fill that hole in my heart.

It's difficult to reverse a tailspin. But today I'm gonna try.

Hey Jealousy!

I've finally found the perfect shelf for Leila's things.

It's a work in progress. More pictures on that to come.

Yasar and I were discussing the project, and he said how jealous Andrew is of me doing things like this.

I was absolutely gobsmacked! Andrew's jealous of what little I have of my daughter? His sister?

Yes, according to Yasar Andrew doesn't like the attention I give to Leila's memory.

Okay, I can understand the tattoo. That's not really fair to get inked with her name and not his. And I concede on that point. As much as I want to, I'm not going under the needle this summer.

But in regards to the shelf, her pictures, the precious few tangible memories I have, he's just going to have to suck it up.

Anyone else faced this problem? Or am I alone?

Songs of Prayer

Whenever I hear "More Beautiful You" by Johnny Diaz, I think of Carleigh's version, and send up a little prayer for Holly.

When I hear "Cry Out to Jesus", especially the line, "for the widow who suffers from being alone", I pray for Angie and Nolan.

My latest is J. J. Heller and "Your Hands". This one especially hurts right now, because it makes me think of my best friend Christine, who as we speak is making her way to her new home in Arizona.



It's hard to even watch the video right now. Yesterday, during communion at church, they played it while passing out the little cups of grape juice. My husband was so embarrassed, I started just weeping. For her? For me? Who knows, but it's her song.

Do you have a song that holds special meaning to you, that I can think of you and pray for you when it comes on K-Love?

I Can't Wait!

I really don't understand my emotional state right now. Foreclosure is supposed to be such a heartbreaking time, losing your home - the investment, the security.

So why am I practically giddy?

I can't wait to leave this house. To move in to something smaller. To never see most of these neighbors again.

This house was always way too big for me. At 2700 square feet, with 4 bedrooms and 2.5 baths, when we built this place we really expected to fill it up with kids. And, since it's a "new build", it lacks the charm I'm more accustomed to. Every room is a box with no identifying marks. I grew up in a house loaded to the hilt with character, and I've always mourned that loss with our house.

I can't wait to start fitting our lives into half the square footage.

I can't wait to live in a neighborhood conducive to traveling by foot or by bike. If you want to go anywhere on this side of town we're on now, you have to cross over the interstate. And there's only two ways to do that - the dangerous way, and the longer-but-still-not-very-safe way.

I can't wait to hop on my bike and head to the grocery store, the movie theater, our church. Biking with Andrew to the park, or the library, or even to the store to see dad.

I just can't wait!

Good News

God is generous with His rewards.

My DH and I looked at a house for rent on the northeast side of town a few weeks ago. I fell in love. It's not perfect, but pretty darn close for our situation. I asked the landlady when she'd be back in town so we could sign paperwork and give her a wad of money. She said she needed to think it over and discuss it with her husband.

What did she need to think over, you ask? Well, it's not our financial situation.

It's the cat.

So I called her a few days later, she said she was still showing the place and would get back to us by Tuesday evening.

When the phone never rang, I was crushed. But that was the day I committed to rejoicing in God's Plan, and I pasted a smile on my face and knew He had something in store for us.

Went to work Wednesday, pulled the classifieds and started calling and making appointments to see other places.

And you know what happened? The landlady left a message on our machine while we were working.

Yes! We're signing the lease Sunday!

I couldn't be more excited.

Well, on second thought, if God were to provide someone to pack this house up, and move everything for me......

Uncertainty

Today is the day You have made,
I will rejoice and be glad in it....
~Lincoln Brewster

This is my goal today. To rejoice through today, regardless of what it holds.

I've been struggling lately with uncertainly. My nemesis. As a borderline Type A personality, I hate the unknown.

And there's been a plethora of question marks in our daily life lately.

We're back to looking for a suitable place to live. The business is starting to make some profit (yay!), but will that continue. Infertility.

So many things we used to take for granted as being a "sure thing" are no longer sure.

Today, I will rejoice. For the air in my lungs. Food. A roof over my head, albeit temporary. A child to love. A husband who loves me. The promise that one day I'll be with my little girl again.

Today, I will rejoice in the midst of uncertainty. I will rejoice because God holds it all in His Hands, He knows how this will play out, and He will take care of us.

The Health Department

We babyloss mamas all have (at least) one place we avoid like the plague. Because it's filled with memories. And those memories have teeth.

Yesterday I had to walk through those doors, right into the assault.

The bill for the yearly license for the store was due. I tried to focus straight ahead to the window I needed to go to.

But as I passed the left-turn I'd in the past made for the WIC department. The Help Me Grow door. Where I took my official pregnancy test and applied for Medicaid because we had no maternity coverage.

I remembered the last time I walked that hallway. When I returned my WIC coupons. When I'd told the office clerk that my baby had died.

For a moment, she was speechless. I pushed those vouchers into her hand. She insisted on talking to me about their postpartum program. I fled the room, the office, the building.

Our worlds are seeded with emotional landmines.

What's yours?

Changing

Listening to K-Love this morning,

Steven Curtis Chapman singing "Live Out Loud".

Such a lighthearted song.

It occurred to me how much it's unlike his new album.

He's more somber now.

Subdued. Introspective.

I feel the same way.

Hope's Mama put it well, how much losing a child changes you.

It's true. I'm nowhere close to being the same person I was.

I wonder if the people I knew years ago would even recognize me.

But what are we, except the sum of our experiences?

I pray that I'm reflecting the Lord's light through my grief and healing.

Stereotypes

Last night we took an order for two large 1-topping pizzas for $12. It's a coupon we have, super-cheap, huh?

I was back at the oven cutting pizzas when two men came in to pick up the pizzas. Two Indian men.

I didn't pay any attention until the driver who was waiting on them turned to me and said, "Do we have any cups?"

I looked around, said "no, I don"t think so. Well, there might be some in the back. Did they buy a 2-liter of pop?"

My driver: "No, they just wanted some cups."

I look at the two men and they're loaded for bear: a double handful of napkins, about 20 plates, pockets overflowing with parmesan and red pepper packets.... (I may be exaggerating there, but not by much)

And now they want cups.

Seriously, when does buying something from a restaurant entitle you to outfit your entire kitchen and pantry with complimentary condiments and dinnerware? Is there no shame?

I always seem to have problems with the Indian community here (and there's a large one). They own the local hotels, we buy their key cards for their guests with our advertising on them (one less thing for the owner to worry about, right?). Then the owner calls us *demanding* free food because he *allows* us to advertise in his hotel.

Say what?

And we have this one customer who you just cannot explain toppings to. She wants "just a few" jalapenos on her onion pizza. Ma'am, that's an additional topping, and you'll have to pay for it. And back and forth we go, me explaining it to her over and over while I've got three other lines on hold.

And don't get me started with those darn Entertainment Book coupons - they don't want to hear that they can't pay the $6.99 large carryout price and use that for buy-one-get-one-free.

I don't want to be labeling people. The Indian people that I know outside of work are warm, charming, just very conscientious people. We have several families as neighbors, and we enjoy their company. Why is it, when I have the carry-out counter between us, that everything changes?

My Indian readers, can you explain this to me? Do you guys have anecdotes of Americans in India?

Week 5 - 1/30/10

(those are my cappuccino socks. Note to self - they don't photograph well...)

Yay or "Neigh"? Yay! That's another .6 lbs off my body, for a total loss of 7.4 lbs. I'm pretty happy with that, considering the way this week went. My average daily calorie intake was 1607, and my new BMI is 36.9 (woo-hoo!!!).

Lessons Learned? This was my hardest week yet. I always seem to hit that brick wall around the one month mark, where the motivation and interest just disappear. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that brick wall hit me this week, when I went on an all-out one-night-only sugar binge. In diets past, that probably would have been the end of my efforts, but I'm still here. Struggling, but persevering. Partly thanks to you guys out there who are keeping me honest.

Goals Achieved? I said it wouldn't happen, but guess what? I fit into a smaller pair of jeans this week! No, it wasn't pretty, those denim tubes sucked on to my cellulite-encrusted thighs like warm Saran wrap. But I didn't need to hold my breath to get them buttoned. :)

Goals Made? Ha! To make those above-mentioned jeans decent for wearing in public! (I kill me!) Seriously, this month is going to be about staying motivated. A friend emailed about joining SparkPeople. My goal for February is to sign in to SP every day of the month.

My best moment of the week: Probably putting on those pants. Or when Yasar tells me I look so different. I love that my weight loss is not limited to feedback from the scale!

Saying Goodbye...Again

My car is weighted down, just like my heart. Last night I bagged and boxed Leila's clothes and sundries up and heaped it all into my little grey car. We'll be making a trip to the local chapter of Right to Life to donate these things to someone who will really benefit from them.

I'm trying to focus on the good here. That maybe someone will make the decision not to abort their child. That Leila will have a small part or influence in that decision.

Still, I can't even describe to you how hard that was. Putting all those little outfits into garbage bags. Boxing up my maternity clothes. Carrying it all downstairs and filling up first the trunk and then the backseat of the car.

A few things I kept. My friend Christine bought me a little pink baby book and a musical bunny when she found out Leila was a little girl. I can't part with those, both because of Leila's memory and now Christine's, as well...she's leaving me, moving 1600 miles away early next month.

God, I've had enough with grief. Could You please rustle up some joy for me?

Week 4 - 1/23/10

(drum roll please.....)

Yay or "Neigh"? Um, that's a YAY! From 230.6 last week, it's a weekly loss of 1.2, and a total loss of 6.8 lbs! My new BMI is a flat 37. Average calorie intake this week was 1524. Just the facts, ma'am (in my best Joe Friday voice). :)

Lessons Learned? You know, I love watching The Biggest Loser...but it's starting to get to me. 1.2 lb loss is a GREAT loss, however I feel like I'm running through knee-deep mud. And I think it's from watching all those contestants pull those huge numbers. It's hard to get out of my head, "if I could just have one week of Michael's weight loss, I'd hit goal". It's hard to look at that number on the scale and realize it's a significant loss when it's not double digits.

But it's not going to stop me from watching. :)

Goals Achieved: I didn't really hit any new goals this week. Still on the Wii Fit daily, mixing up my yoga/strength routine every few days (ever seen a fat girl hold a plank for 30 seconds? Awe-inspiring!). This week I had the pleasure of spending a day once-a-month-cooking with a good friend, and I did it in my jeans. Yeah, the so-constricting jeans that I couldn't even sit down in this time last month. The thighs didn't cut off circulation. I didn't have to hold my breath all day. One step closer to those smaller jeans size.

Goals Made: Ho, hum, same old goal. New pants size by 2/1 (though I'm starting to have my doubts I'll make that one). I need to start tightening up my eating, too. I'm getting a little loosy-goosey on the calorie front. So I'm going to aim for 1400 cal/day this week.

My best moment of the week: Sorta embarrassing, but I want to share. I was doing the Super Hula Hoop on my balance board, and my son was surreptitiously recording me on his dad's phone. When I found out, I made myself watch it - I was mesmerized. I expected to need eye-bleach after that, but it wasn't bad a-tall. Hmm, maybe some belly dancing lessons are in my (skinny) future?

Free At Last!!!!

(I hope I'm not jumping the gun on this)

A few days ago, Holly, a fellow babyloss mama and just an all-around wonderful person, announced some good news. Her Rainbow Baby is coming!!!

In this community, it's a cause for celebration.

In this community, that mood of celebration is mixed in with a whole stew of other emotions, too.

Anxiety for the new life growing.

Sadness for the one they lost, who won't know their little brother or sister this side of Heaven.

And there's a lot of self-pity and jealousy among us still dealing with infertility.

Never outright, for no one deserves to savor this moment quite like a babyloss mama.

I've watched a few grieving mommies go on to be mommies of new, healthy babies. And, while it's on my lips to thank God for those babies, the green-eyed monster has always lurked close by.

This time? I'm just happy. No complicated emotions, just happy and thankful to God for giving Holly this gift. My opinion is that she's earned it well. Not that my opinion means all that much. :)

God, You don't suck. Whether my day comes to be in Holly's position or not, It's all in Your capable Hands. It is well with my soul.

Someone posted this as a Facebook status update the other day and it resonated in my heart.

"God’s timing is perfect. God may not do things on your timetable or in the way that you would like, but he is never late. Sometimes we have to go through struggles and bad decisions to truly appreciate Christ and grow in the Lord."

I'm wondering if that temper tantrum I had wasn't the last of the bile that needed to be released. Because, since spewing all over Blogger, I feel free.....

Human

This journey is unlike anything I've ever imagined myself walking.

I have moments when I'm so angry with God I can't even see straight.

It's impossible to fathom why He chose this route for my life.

And I'm only human. Created in His image, yes. But still prone to falling. To self-centeredness. To thinking I could do this better than Him, given the chance.

But I lack His all-encompassing vision to see the broader picture.

I went to bed last night with a heavy, heavy heart. And, despite my rant, I still found myself praying.

Not apologizing. He understands my pain. Even feels it Himself.

But praying for my new friends, walking this same road with me. Praying for my husband and my son. Thanking God for what I have instead of focusing on the opposite.

Yes, I did behave like a child last night, ranting on the blog. And don't you know that image of a child having a temper tantrum was in my head all day long? Me, throwing myself to the ground, kicking and screaming, while my Father looked on, feeling my pain but knowing He couldn't give me what I wanted because it wasn't best for me. Oh, yes, it was.

I'm not going to pull down last night's post. I'm human, and struggling my way through this. I'm not a saint. I could sit there and pull the pious face and never let you know the turmoil underneath.

It would even be easier than letting you see what's truly inside.

God? You suck!

Sorry if that shocks you, reader. But that's just how I'm feeling today.

I was really praying HARD for this month to be "the month".

You see, our house is up for Sheriff's Sale 2/24. Which means we're probably going to be moving 3/1-ish.

I still have all the stuff I bought for Leila in the spare bedroom.

I got pregnant this time last year, so I really wanted to get pregnant NOW so that I could still use that stuff.

We're moving into a smaller place, so I either needed to NEED that stuff or get rid of it.

And, since Aunt Flo arrived today, I guess I'll be donating it.

God, I can't even fathom why you chose to put me through this.

IT'S SO F-ING UNFAIR!!!

Before that positive pregnancy test last year, I was *happy* with just one child. I had resigned myself to infertility and accepted my lot.

Then You throw this curve ball at me. And let me fall in love with the idea of being a mommy again.

Let me get past the dreaded 14-week mark, so I could breathe a sigh of relief and feel safe.

Let me find out I'm expecting a daughter, the little dark-haired girl I'd always dreamed of.

Let my husband and son get all excited.

And then You yanked her away from us.

And now, 7 months later, I'm back to struggling through infertility again.

I don't know what I did to piss You off so badly, to make you want to punish me like this!

I NEVER ask You for anything! We're losing our house, we've got no income to speak of! We're still struggling to keep our business afloat! Yet, through all that, I've NEVER asked You for help!

I ask You for one little thing, the thing that so many women take for granted. And You shut me down.

Pardon me if I'm not the president of Your fan club right now.

I'm not turning away from You - I'm just going to take a little hiatus tonight.

Week 3 - 1/16/10

(I know you love my socks!)

Yay or "Neigh"? Meh. I'm not giving myself a yay OR a "neigh" because of basic female physiology, and how our bodies have a tendency to retain water just before "that time". And, combined with the cravings that also accompany "that time" (including my complete inability to stop inhaling my husband's creamy Cajun chicken pasta last night), I think a > 1 lb. gain is pretty okay. So my weight is down from 230.8, for a weekly loss of .2 lbs and a total loss of 5.6 lbs. IMHO, any loss on a week such as this is cause for celebration! And my BMI is still at 37.2.

Sorry about the blur - Andrew's photo chops are still developing. That's me holding a 5 lb bag of sugar, an 8 oz box of cream cheese (very plentiful in my fridge!) and 2 tbsp of butter.

Lessons Learned: Just that this is going to be a long, long road. Perseverance and commitment are the qualities that are going to get me through this. So my mentality is more tortoise than hare. Plod. Plod. Plod.

Goals Achieved? Remember back here when a I made a mini-goal of how long it would take Yasar to make a comment? Marked the date - 1/10/10, Yasar hugged me from the back and said I looked skinnier! Yay!

Goals Made? Still my same old goals - new pants size by Feb 1. To keep going on the Wii Fit Plus for 35+ minutes a day. Which has been an easy ongoing goal...I keep mixing up routines and doing a new game every few days just too keep myself interested. I'm stoked to announce that this was the week I completed the Island Cycling Expert level! W00t!

My best moment of the week: There were a few. First, that feeling of sinking into your bed, muscles tired from exercise, and sleeping the sleep of the just. And that uncoached compliment from Yasar. And completing the Island Cycling bit. And when Sakai chose to buy my cheesecakes. Heck, yeah, it's been a great week!

My worst moment of the week? When Andrew stood in the middle of Walmart and trumpeted "Mom! You need to get this Alli stuff to lose weight!" at TOP volume. I love my kid, but I never wished for a roll of duct tape so badly in my life!

Lifting You Up

So many of you are scared right now.

Or sad.

A few of you have a new glimmer of hope, and a whole new laundry list of worries.

One of you has been given your gift, but your laundry list is still there, just in a different way.

Some are still nursing a broken heart.

Raising your voices to God and asking "why me?"

Some are still brokenhearted, but accepting of God's Plan.

A few are walking this journey without God's comfort.

Please know that I lift you up to the Lord by name daily.

And it's so nice to be able to say, "Lord, please be with ______ today. I don't know what she needs right now, but I love that You are very aware of what that need is, and You can provide it. Please be with her, and hold her through this."

He loves us, Oh how He loves us!

Sending all my sisters so much love and prayers....

Cottage Industry Part 2

Ahhh, cheesecakes.



No dessert can gain you notoriety so quickly.



As Alton Brown put it in one of his cookbooks, "someone who can make a cheesecake well can walk into a room with his head held high."



My head is scraping the 8' ceilings right now, and almost too big to fit through the doorways!



I blogged about what kept me busy over the winter holidays. And I was indeed busy.



In that 6-week period, I made sold almost 100 cheesecakes for friends.



When you consider I can make 3 a day, you can see that it was an every-morning-at-5am endeavor.



I also had the pleasure of creating some new recipes.



My two pride-and-joys are the Vanilla Chai cheesecake (Tea-infused cheesecake with notes of cardamom, cloves, cinnamon, and ginger poised on a vanilla cardamom cookie crust) and the Chocolate Cow cheesecake (A homemade brownie layered with Kahlua-spiked cheesecake and topped with rich dark chocolate ganache).





But once the New Year had passed, and everyone (self included) started their post-Christmas body detox, if I wanted this to continue I was going to have to take it to the local restaurants.



So last week 4 Samplers went out. 2 no-responses, one negative response (from the restaurant that had just asked me for my list of ingredients, isn't that interesting?),



And A YES!



Sakai, our local sushi house/HIbachi Palace has asked me to make them a special cheesecake for their menu. Green Tea. Oh, I'm so excited! AND they want the Chocolate Cow and a Raspberry Lemon Curd (homemade lemon curd and raspberry syrup made from these raspberries). Doubly exciting when you understand that the chef said he probably wouldn't be able to sell anything but green tea, and then changed his mind after sampling my product.



My foot is officially In. The. Door.



Praise God! He is amazing. He will always take care of us!

Motives?

Holly just posted about her being able to offer comfort to someone else in the depths of grief.

That really got me thinking.

I'm grateful that Leila happened so early in my life.

I have many years and almost unlimited opportunities to reach out to others.

To tread water with them.

Sometimes it feels selfish.

I have a chance to make Leila's life and death mean something.

Even if it's only to me.

I hate that I've gone through this.

But I'm determined to make the tragedy worthwhile.

Is that wrong?

It's not a rhetorical question - if you have an opinion, I'd love to hear it.

Week 2 - 1/9/10

Yay or "Neigh"? Yay! And a whoop-whoop! My weight is down from 236, for a weekly loss of 5.2 lbs and a total loss of 5.4 lbs. My new BMI is 37.2. I can't wait for my BMI to drop enough that the Wii Fit Plus stops chastising me by weighing me and saying "That's Obese!" Yeah, yeah, I know. But Rome wasn"t built in a day...



This is me holding the food equivalent of my loss-to-date. And yeah, I'm wearing a "big D" uniform. Maybe now you'll appreciate how hard I have to struggle to lose weight, huh?

Lessons Learned: That water is very, very important to weight loss. Drinking lots of water can actually negate small dietary infractions. So if you slip up (which I haven't...yet), commit to drinking more water and flush your system. Also, sometimes being dehydrated can feel like being hungry to us, so drinking your water can actually help control hunger. And it's also critical to stay hydrated while exercising. Gatorade? Pshaw! Grab a big glass of water and let your body do what God designed it to do.

Goals achieved? I've consistently met or exceeded my goal of 35 minutes of daily exercise. And my daily caloric intake average for this week was 1452 - a little higher than I wanted, but that includes a celebratory chocolate fondue night with my boys. So I'm still giving myself a gold star. AND my sweatpants are starting to feel a little looser. w00t!

Goals made? To consistently drink my 64 oz water every day. To be in a smaller pair of pants by 2/1/10.

My best moment of the week: When Yasar first bought me the Wii Fit Plus, I ran the marathon. And almost died. Seriously! This week, I ran it twice, back-to-back. Yeah, I was out of breath, but far from reaching for my inhaler. I wonder if it'd be too much of a stretch to make a goal of running a real 5k or something this summer. Shari? What say you?

Oh, and turning 35 is was pretty cool, too. :)

Phillippians 4:13 says "I can do ALL things through Christ Who strengthens me."

So take that, fat! You're no match for me, because my God's got my back! :P

Leila's Collage

Jessica, thank you. It's so beautiful. We'd been looking for something to frame, and this is perfect! God bless you!

Week 1 - 1/2/10

Yay or "Neigh"? Yay <~mini Yay (Ha! I crack myself up!!). My weight went from 236.2 to 236.0, so a loss of .2lbs. And my BMI stayed at 38.1. My number was better first thing this morning, but I thought I'd wait for my coffee to induce my (ahem) morning ritual. Guess that backfired a little, huh?

Lessons Learned: Okay, I think I've been eating too many daily calories. My average intake for this week was 1674. I started off good, watching the scale going down. Then, about Thursday, the scale started going the wrong way. So I'm backing down to 1300-1400 daily calories. We'll see what happens from there. And I'm not discouraged - I didn't pack on these 80 lbs in a week, so it stands to reason that they won't peel themselves off that quickly, either.
BTW, I use FitDay* software to keep track of my calories and nutrition. I bought the software many, many years ago, but I think they have a free version online.

Goals achieved? Well, I've scrapped my goal of 35x up the stairs by the time I'm 35. My goal is 35 minutes minimum on my Wii Fit Plus* (an early b-day present from my amazing hubby ~ love you habibi!), and I have met it daily since he bought it for me on Sunday. I never expected indoor-type exercise to be anything but tedious, but the Fit Plus IS! Easily the best $100 we've spent in a looong time.

Goals made? Just to continue my 35 minutes a day, and to make it down at least one pants size by February 1st. I measured my waist at 47 inches the other day, so TBC.

My best moment this week: Looking in the mirror and seeing changes in my body. It's a long road ahead, so getting that early confidence boost felt so great!

*And no, I have not been compensated to endorse any products. Can you believe we have to add a disclaimer to our blogs now? Sheesh!

Looking Forward, Looking Back

Now, I'm an old lady. On the cusp of the dreaded 35 (6 more days! Eeek!). So no, I did not stay up last night to watch a lighted ball lowered in NYC. I was in bed, dreaming the dreams Nyquil provides (yeah, I'm sick, too).

But before bed I had an interesting reaction to the new year. One would think, after as crappy as this year has been, I'd be all too happy to put this sucker to rest and start anew, right?

Uhhh...

I had a mini-anxiety attack last night.

2009 was a shit year,

but it was the year I held my daughter.

I wasn't ready to let that go yet.

I feel like I've been pushed into the next year.

Forcefully.

2009 will always be the year that I held Leila.

In my belly. In my arms.

Going forward into 2010, I can only hold her in my heart.

Reflections

2009 will go down in history as the year I grew up.

Looking back on this year is painful. Humbling. And hopeful.

I never thought I'd be grateful for the trials of this past year.

You know the jewelers trick, how they put their brightest diamonds against black velvet and shine spotlights on them?

The good from this year shines so intensely, contrasted against the dark and reflecting God's bright light.

I've learned the value of the friends I already had, which I probably would never have fully appreciated without Leila. The level of support we received was just tremendous. Christine, Shari, you guys are my bright diamonds. I love you!

I think this year was the year I fully came to appreciate God. He answers my prayers every day. I know putting our family through these situations hasn't been easy for Him. He hates to watch His children struggle. But He is infinite in wisdom and knows that these trials were intense learning experiences and would be necessary for our growth.

Despite all that's happened, 2009 will be fondly remembered.

Almost

Today Andrew and I met some friends at Boonshoft Museum for a playdate/mommy get together. We had a great, pretty unremarkable time - until the last 15 minutes.

We were on our way out when this darling little brunette girl, probably around 3-4 years old, came up to me with a very sad look in her eyes. It turns out somehow she got separated from her family. My friend Christine went to the office to grab an employee (we were on the second floor, and the little girl wouldn't go to the office on the first floor with us - as it should be, mom taught her well not to leave with strangers). The employee came and took her downstairs to the office, Andrew practically glued to her side. He was not letting that little girl out of his sight!

They didn't even get around to paging her mom over the loudspeaker before a distraught woman barged into the office to claim her lost daughter. Andrew was right there through the whole thing, and we were within sight of the whole reunion as we browsed the adjoining giftshop.

Andrew came up to me after mom and daughter went back to having fun. He said, "mom, I almost had a sister".

Ouch. All that time, I thought he was just being protective. But I guess he was of the "finders, keepers" mindset, waiting for that little girl to be unclaimed so we could take her home with us.

And then the employee who reunited the mom and daughter had to come over and compliment me on Andrew's manners, and made a comment about how he said he had a sister but she died.

Of course I start to tear up (in fact, I'm doing it right now). I don't often see how Leila has affected Andrew...but when I do, it's so painful for me.

We talked about it on the way home, about how taking a girl from her mommy would be wrong, and God would be bringing us our own little girl. My advice to him was to pray about it. God has a way of listening to that child. I said it was up to God to give us that gift.

And he said, "but it's up to you and daddy to do....um...that thing I'm not allowed to talk about."

Weirdest feeling in the world, crying and giggling at the same time.

Lines in the Sand

I've had so much positive feedback on my picture of the scale - people have repeatedly called me "brave". I wish I were full of courage.

My picture on the blog is a nod towards my "bravado". And my inability to complete things.

Instead of drawing a line in the sand, I've carved a line in bedrock.

By involving my friends, people I know will hold me accountable, coach me on when I get discouraged, I've added an insurance policy to weight loss. It's not like going to the Weight Watchers meetings, where I can simply stop going. I have people who know my real struggles, and will no doubt call me on it if I don't continue this journey towards optimum health. I certainly hope you won't be afraid to reach out and pat me on the back or slap me upside the head, depending on the situation.

So I just wanted to say that YOU make me brave. That I can't do this without YOU. God has provided YOU to push me to success. YOU deserve the credit here.

12/27 - One Day Down, ??? More to Go.

I just wanted to outline my first set of mini-goals.

1) I want to be able to go up and down the stairs 35 times by my 35th birthday. I'm trying to utilize exercise methods without paying out money for a gym membership, and my stairs, they just beckon me. My 35th birthday is right around the corner, so I'm not completely confident that I'll make this goal...but I'm thinking big!

2) Getting high fructose corn syrup out of our diets. I read and read about the evils of HFCS - how it messes with your blood sugar levels. And it's disturbing, the places it pops up. Last night my dinner was egg white omelet and a bowl of Kellogg's All Bran. And, while eating my bowl of "sticks in milk", I took a gander at the ingredients. Yup, there's my nemesis. Proudly taking third place in the list. Disturbing, I tell you! Anyway, I can't really nail down a to-do-by- date on this one - there's plenty of processed foods in this house, and we're not in a position financially to throw away food and do a pantry overhaul.

3) And my last mini-goal isn't really a goal, since I have no influence on when it will happen. I'm just curious. How long do you think it will take Yasar into making some form of comment on my losing weight? Something positive from his lips. Without me asking him. Yes, that's going to be the hard part. I'll let you know. :)

"I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

The First Day...

I. Am. Done.

Yes. That is my feet. On a scale. What you can't hear is the groan of despair emitting from my mouth.

Is that number so terrible? No. I haven't really put on much weight in the last year. But I feel terrible. Easily winded. That general malaise that comes with eating crap food. The tightness around my waist and thunder thighs that indicates being too fat for my fat pants. That fact that I ate so much yesterday I ended up puking at 1am was kind of my epiphany - this has to stop. Now.

I need a little help from you all. See, the great thing about Weight Watchers is the accountability factor. I have to stand on a scale at the weekly meeting and either feel joy or shame, depending on that number. I can no longer afford Weight Watchers, so I'm wondering if you can help me accomplish the same thing.

Every Saturday I'll be posting my number. And I'm going to attempt to give you my average daily calories for that week. And, hopefully, make some mini- and mega-goals to achieve along the way.

No more excuses. No more "I'll start tomorrow..."

This is the first day of the rest of my life.

Christmas 2009

Before the chaos begins.

Thank you, Nanny! I love it!
And Aunt Beth, I couldn't wait to put this on!
My bling-bling from Andrew. I'm gonna need a security guard to walk around with this on!
(hmmm, I wonder if he's a Bengals fan...)
Fun to decorate, not-so-fun to eat.
Tiger's glad the presents are gone so he can get back to normal.
Making kibbe with daddy.
Happy Birthday, Jesus!
My candles burned all day, remembering my little angel, and the angels of all my friends. Merry Christmas, my Leila. I know you're celebrating at an awesome birthday party in heaven!

Leila Mae in Flowers

"Poor" Me?

Want a guaranteed way to change your outlook on your life? Pick up this book. It should be required reading for everyone.

It would take so little of our income to change the life of someone. Literally change their lives.

Partners in Health has an innovative program going on in Rwanda. They build hospitals. That address the whole person. It impressed the heck out of me - when they have a child that is diagnosed with malnutrition, they offer a class to the family with information on how to maximize the harvest from their family garden. Very different from the "treat 'em and street 'em" philosophy here in the US. They also create jobs for natives in home healthcare, and the majority of their medical staff is "non-Western", meaning they are born- and trained-Rwandans.

Millennium Villages is another organization that uses their funding to address the bigger picture, from industry and agriculture to healthcare and education. They are building communities out there. They are building HOPE. They are building FUTURES.

Lord, help me remember those suffering in other countries when I feel "poor". Thank You for putting this book in my path. Help me to maximize my donations for the good of those who need it most.

Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." Matthew 19:21

O Little Stack of Christmas Gifts....

Last night I sent the boys out on a date. In "boyspeak" we called it a mission. Andrew had to take pictures of lots and lots of Christmas light displays with the digital camera, and then his daddy took him out to grab a treat and "bond" (we've both been suffering from Yasar withdrawl, but Andrew seems to be particularly whiny lately about missing his dad). They had a great time, the pictures are very cool (if a little blurry), and I plan to have them made into a photo book here if I could get my %@*^! slooooow internet to upload my photos to their server! Argh!

My real motivation to getting the boys out of the house is I needed to get the Christmas presents wrapped. My sneaky little 6-year-old was adamant that he was going to see his surprises, so I needed that extra layer of security that festive paper adds. I hunkered down with my scissors and magic tape and got it all done.

And then I looked at our presents. Sure are a lot less then years past. I started feeling a little bad. I mean, it's Christmas! We should have lots of gifts to open, not this small, pathetic pile. Isn't that our right? Oh, so humiliating......

I guess what happened next could be classified as an epiphany. Why are we opening presents on His birthday? It should be about what gifts we can give Jesus on His special day, right?

I'll give you a moment to digest that.

So I've been praying about what Jesus wants for Christmas this year. I feel like the little drummer boy - not much to give, but willing to give all I have. I can't wait to see where He leads me!

(Somehow, I don't think it's going to be to Zhu Zhu Hamsters)

Tag....I'm It.

Church today - two birth announcements in the bulletin.

Someone wrote on my FB wall, and when I went to reply via wall-to-wall, it pulled up the last time we'd posted that way. Back in March. I was all a-bubble about how Andrew was coming to the next OB visit to see the ultrasound, to see his little sister for the first time.

I mostly stay ahead of my grief.

But today it's catching up with me. It's reaching for me, ready to tag me.

I don't think about how this Christmas "should" be. I don't let my mind go there.

I just feel the stark emptiness in my arms.

I miss her today.

The Angel on Top of the Tree

Merry Christmas, little angel. Mommy loves you.

Stepping Out In Faith

Generosity has been the topic in church these last few weeks.

It's a conviction that's constantly stabbing my heart. It's been a long time since we've had an income to tithe from. I hate not being able to give what I owe, especially to God.

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, God spoke to me. He asked me to believe in Him, to trust Him.

My little cheesecake venture was just getting off the ground.

So I promised Him that every penny I took in between then and the next Sunday would go into our church's harvest offering.

That was so hard. Especially when I needed ingredients to fill incoming orders and didn't really have the money to pay for them. It felt like Satan was tempting me at every turn that week.

But I kept my promise. I walked proudly and tearfully to the front of the church that next Sunday with my husband at my side, our envelope containing our widow's mite clutched in our hands.

I believed that God would bless me for my faithfulness. I believed that it would be a blessing in the form of more cheesecake orders.

And it was. The few days between Sunday and Wednesday were exhausting. I made and sold 24 cheesecakes in 4 days. I am so grateful to God for His faithfulness.

But that wasn't all. I don't necessarily believe in prosperity gospel, but God made a solid argument for it Monday.

The church secretary stopped at the store to give Yasar and I an envelope that was left for us at the church.

An anonymous envelope. Containing $500 cash.

If I could explain the thoughts and emotions that I experienced, opening that envelope. My Father cares so deeply for me. How He loves us!

I know He will carry is through this next test. The one that's no longer on the horizon. It's here.

The store is failing. Whether it's due to the economy, or the new competition moving into town, it doesn't really matter. We've had two of the worst weeks imaginable, and no resources to pull from to make it up. We need a miracle of Biblical proportions to keep the business going.

And I think about the foreclosure, and the fact that our house is up for sheriff's sale, but is not yet on the list. I wonder if this isn't God's timing. His plan. It all fits together a little too conveniently to pass it off as coincidence.

My mom told me yesterday that my dad's got an appointment with the heart specialist this week. That his PCP ran an EKG on him and must have a concern with the results. A few years ago he had a quadruple bypass, and he's an uncontrolled diabetic.

I wonder if God's not setting the stage for us to move back to Pennsylvania.

I trust Him. Whatever is coming, He's shown me in a very palpable way that He's in control.

Stepping out in faith is becoming a habit.

One More Day

....First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone, and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second, say a million I Love You's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you...

~One More Day, Diamond Rio

Jennifer at The Blue Sparrow shared how she's spend one more day with her little angel Bryston, and invited us to imagine the same.

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"...Last night I had a crazy dream.
A wish was granted just for me, it could be for anything..."

I'm sound asleep, snuggled up next to my husband. The house is quiet. I'm dreaming about that last kick I heard. My daughter's last goodbye. Crying in my sleep, clutching my Leila Bear. And God speaks. "One day." My bladder is slowly lifting me to consciousness. I awaken, just enough to stumble to the bathroom. Crawl back into bed. Reach for Leila Bear. Reaching... what the heck?

Riffling through the blankets. Nothing. Getting more and more awake, more disturbed. Then I hear the rustle from the corner of the bedroom. A whimper. There's a big, boxy shadow over there that wasn't there before.

"Yasar!" I hiss. "What IS that?" He mumbles, rolls over in bed. The whimper again, then a more demanding cry. A hungry baby cry. I'm on my feet like a shot, mercilessly jostling my husband.

"It's her!" As soon as I realize, her little head pops into view. As if conjured by my words. She's so beautiful - sleep-tousled brunette curls, espresso eyes. Long lashes and pursed lips. Her chin starts to quiver out her need, but I've got her scooped into my arms before the next cry can be born. Pink footie pajamas. Soggy diaper. Scent of Balmex and Baby Wash. Letdown.

I bring Leila back into our bed. Begin nursing her. Filling up my eyes with her, my nose. Stroking that fine, soft hair. That ripe peach skin. Memorizing how her little cheeks work as she fills her tummy. We fall asleep, Leila nursing between Yasar and I.


I can't write this. It doesn't feel like truth. Ever since Leila's due date, I've put the "what if" thoughts away. I've never really imagined what she'd be like as a newborn, an infant. Someday I will receive the gift of seeing how she turned out. Until then, I really just prefer to be thankful to God that she's in heaven waiting for me.

Cottage Industry

What's been keeping me so busy lately?

Why, cheesecakes, of course!

You all know how hard these last few months have been for us. Between the economy, the cheap-o competition moving into town, bankruptcy, losing the house, losing Leila...wow, I'm really glad I'm not one of those people compelled to write an update letter to send with my Christmas cards!

Anyway, I prayed. I want to get this certain game for Andrew for Christmas. And, with no income to speak of, I was pulling my hair out, trying to figure out how.

As always, God provided.

When we built this house, my husband wanted to honor my creative side and spent $2300 on an almost-top of the live oven. And I spent about a year perfecting my cheesecake method.

(perfecting - that's funny. many times they still don't come out perfect!)

I threw it out there on Facebook, asking friends if they would be willing to purchase my cheesecakes.

That was about a week ago. Since then, I've sold 15 cheesecakes, and have another 10 orders behind it.

And I'm happy, you know?

It's so nice to feel like I'm doing something productive. I get up at 5am, plug my mp3 player in my ears, worship and talk to God. My kitchen is so much cleaner.

Of course, it makes it hard to stay on Weight Watchers. But I'm working on that.

So, that's why it's been so quiet here. If you're nosy (I sure am!) and on Facebook, you can look up my menu by searching for "cheesecakes by emily". Leave some input - what do you think would be a great cheesecake flavor? Or just leave a little note of encouragement. Those are always cherished. And while you're there, make me your friend. :)

Leaves

Thank you, Holly.....

The White Roses

All of the earth's Mothers were gathered at God's garden of flowers; those beautiful budding spirits who could someday come to earth were nurtured and tended in the Holy garden.

A Loving Father spoke to the Mothers of earth. "See the works of my hands. Someday you will be the mother's of these radiant spirits."

The Garden of God glowed with a mixture of all of the colors.

"Choose ye", He said.

Now in the East corner of the garden pure white roses stood as sentinels. They were not so colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart.

One by One the Mothers stepped forward; "I want the blue eyes one, the curly haired one,
who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion."

Yet another chose a brown eyed brown haired boy, full of life and love that would someday be a prince in a grand country.

The Garden buzzed with excitement as the others with their own special spirits, those they would soon welcome into the warmth and love of an earthy home.

Once again, Heavenly Father spoke; "But who will take the White Roses, the ones in the east corner of my garden? These will return to me in purity and goodness. They will not stay long in your home for I must bring them back to my garden for they belong to me but they will gain bodies as planned. You will miss them and long for them but I will personally care for them."

"NO!,NOT I" many of the earthly Mothers said in unison. "I couldn’t bear to give one back so soon."

"Nor I" said other mothers. "We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives."

The Heavenly Father looked out across the multitude of Mothers with longing in his eyes for someone to step forward.

SILENCE!

Then Heavenly Father said; "See the most pure white and perfect of all the white ones? I chose him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked and crucified. He is my OWN. Will not anyone choose like unto Him?"

A few mothers stepped forward, "Yes Lord I will"; then another as well. And then some in unison said "YES, we will." Soon all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choice in their mothers.

Heavenly Father spoke again. "Oh blessed are you who chose the white roses. Your pain will be a Heavy Cross to bear but your joy will be exceeding, beyond anything you can understand at this time.

The white ones embraced their mothers and so full was their purity and love that it filled their souls with such excitement. Each mother knew they could endure the tasks. The GREATEST of all the white roses gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks and the outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child, consuming all the white ones and their mothers as he prepared them for their task.

Each mother who bore the weight of the white rose felt the overwhelming love of God as they all shouted"Thy Will be Done"

Thank you, Misty, for sharing this. It reminds me of an old miscarriage saying, "Budded on earth to bloom in Heaven". I'm so blessed to have been chosen for a white rose!

Walking With You - Thankful

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. Walking With You is a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child who gather together each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

This month we are focusing on our gratefulness for the gifts we were given and the ways our lives were changed by the lives of our babies. I know that many people are busy, so this can be as simple or in-depth as you wish. I hope you will link your own post with us, sharing ways that you are thankful. I do think that reflecting on gratefulness is very valuable...especially in the throes of grief. Grief is big and consuming. The simplicity of counting our blessings refocuses a grieving heart from the giants of pain, sorrow, and hopelessness to the hope, comfort, peace, and eventually joy that waits for us on the other side of the valley. The comfort that waits for us in the arms of our Savior.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
   When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
   Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
   And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
   • Refrain:
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
     
2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
   Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
   Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
   And you will keep singing as the days go by.
3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
   Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
   Count your many blessings—wealth can never buy
   Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
4. So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
   Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
   Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
   Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

~Count Your Blessings, Johnson Oatman Jr, 1897

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I am thankful. As weird as those words taste to me, and probably sound to you, I am. I have been blessed in uncountable ways by my daughter's short life and Homecoming.

I have received comfort. From friends, from acquaintances. From perfect strangers. From God.

I have been richly gifted with new friends. My eyes have been opened to the value of the friends I'd already claimed. The support I've been given has sustained me, and held me upright through this process.

I'm so lucky it happened to me here. In Troy, Ohio. God put us in the perfect place to weather this storm. He surrounded us with caring people in the midst of our despair. He brought me to the one hospital with the one nurse with the ministry of photography and a heart for those tiny, tiny angels. He provided nurses who genuinely hurt for us, and weren't afraid to show it. An OB with a heart. When I look back at everything that happened, I cannot help but praise Him ~ He has well and truly provided.

I'm grateful this happened to me, not to someone I love. I am not strong enough to watch one of my friends go through this. That takes a special person. I'm so fortunate to have a few of those special people in my life. Too many others watch their friends fade away because they don't know how to bridge the gap after a loss like this. My friends are brave. They persevered. I am blessed beyond measure.

I'd been given hope where there had been none. I was resigned to infertility. Now I know it can happen. And, even better, God told me it will happen again.

I'm so thankful for the gift of my daughter. Leila Mae. I love her. Love to say that name. Right now, I have the memories, and when I die, I'll have her companionship. I guess that's a future gift, something to look forward to. A "Now and Later".

I've received the gift of experience. Knowing what this is like. Feeling it for myself. It's given me a depth of compassion I lacked.

And I've been given the opportunity to reach out to others going through this. How great is that!?!?

I Cor 1:3-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our troubles,
so that we can comfort those in any trouble
with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

Missing Her

This week has been a stew of unproductive emotions.

Yesterday I cried over Leila. It's an unfamiliar feeling anymore.

I'm so envious of my friend, Melissa. Who had her adorable little boy two days ago.

I wonder why I was chosen for this burden.

Then I thank God I was chosen, instead of one of my friends.

It's better for me to go through the pain than to watch someone I love suffer.

Today a customer asked me if Andrew was my only child.

I said no, I have a little girl who waits for me in heaven.

I told the lady not to be uncomfortable with my answer. I'm okay. But I will never verbally disown my daughter again.

I'm so proud of that little girl! I know she's just like her big brother, and charming the socks off everyone in heaven.

I know she's adored. Because I adored her here, for the 19 weeks and 5 days I had her.

I still sleep with the teddy bear that holds her earthly remains every night.

I even had a Christmas tree ornament made, with her picture on it.

If I live to be 100, there will never be a day that I don't think about that precious face.

Those tiny toes. That sharp chin. Her button nose.

Losing her is the greatest tragedy of my life. She took a piece of my heart with her. I will not be complete until we're together again.

I live for that day.

"Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl"
~SCC, Heaven is the Face

Today in Pictures

We voted...

And Andrew did my makeup this morning. Clearly, his future as a makeup artist is secure.