Calling Me Out

For some reason I can't email people through their blogger profiles (maybe it's an Outlook thing). I got this comment from Jess, and wanted her to see my response:

I want to start by saying I'm very sorry for your loss. My brother's daughter was recently born at 20 weeks and only lived for a few minutes. I know how raw my pain is and I'm only her aunt. I can't imagine how much stronger your pain is as the mother.

I found your blog through anothers and a comment you wrote really upset me. I don't want to hurt your feelings or offend you, but I do want to bring up a point and whether or not you care is not the point. I want to clarify one thing.

You wrote:
A few weeks ago I told the girl down the street about losing my Leila. Her response? "well, I had three m/cs, you'll get through it." Huh? I know the world considers my 19w5d baby a m/c. But I felt her moving. We knew she was a girl. She wasn't a 5wk blob of tissue, so please don't confuse her for that. Stupid cow."

The girl who told you that was ignorant, rude and down right cold. There is no comparison between a miscarriage and losing a baby at 19 weeks; however, a life is a life regardless of how small. And calling a baby a blob of tissue is just as ignorant as her comparing her miscarriage to your loss. I lost four little ones before 8 weeks (all had heartbeats and in my opinion little souls) and to me they were my babies not a "blob of tissue". Now you may not view them as babies just as that girl did not consider your 19 week old a baby.

Jess, you're absolutely right to call me out on my comment. I'm duly chastened. It was wrong of me to call them "blobs of tissue". I have to say I was pretty angry about this interaction with the neighbor, because I've had a 7 week m/c also, and we're taught to almost EXPECT something to go wrong in the first trimester - 25% of pregnancies never make it beyond that magical 12 week point. There's no guarantees. But after 12 weeks, well, we breathe a sigh of relief. Personally, I didn't get too invested in my "blob of tissue", it was basically a positive pregnancy test. No other documented proof of the life I had before it was gone. Just heartbreak and hormones. Something I got over relatively quickly. I guess, had it happened over and over, or if I'd known that a long battle with infertility was about to begin, I probably would have left it take on more significance in my life. But the OB said, "well, at least now we know you can get pregnant." And I used it as a sign of hope.

I want to apologize to you. That was insensitive, and I'm sorry. I'll never again belittle someone else's pain. I also want to thank you for calling me to the mats on this. I'm grateful for your dose of reality, and maybe somewhere down the road, your insight will have stopped me from hurting someone deeply. So thank you, Jess. :)


  1. Thank you so much for this post, you didn't have to post it, but I'm glad you did! Trust me, we all make mistakes, and I’m no angel.  I wasn't sure how you would take my comment, and I was worried that I may have started WWIII! I understand you thinking after 12 weeks, you were safe. I imagined the day that I would reach 12 weeks and let out a huge sigh of relief and dance throughout my home. My opinion changed the day Sarah died at 20 weeks. I realized that no baby is ever safe, regardless of how many weeks you are or how many trimesters you are. I hope you find some comfort in my next few words. None of us are worthy enough to go straight to heaven (in my opinion) and your baby girl went straight to heaven along with my babies and my sweet niece. God needs Angels and I believe that is why he takes our little ones so young.

    If you don't mind, I'd like to follow your blog, lol! I'm sorry if I came off a little harsh. Those babies are all I have, so I get a litter defensive of them...I know you understand!


  2. Just a blog about my daily life. Loving Jesus through feast and famine, learning ways to be more frugal, coping through pregnancy loss and infertility, surviving bankruptcy and foreclosure, operating a barely-profitable pizza franchise, raising an attention-deficient soon-to-be kindergartner, being the loving wife of a man from a WAY different culture, and other little dibs and dabs that may or may not interest anyone but me.

    We actually have a lot in common! :)


  3. Jess, there's absolutely nothing wrong with voicing your opinion. I'm so glad you pointed it out! I never would have given my words a second thought, and probably would have gone on to hurt someone else with those same words. I just wish I could go back to that blog where I posted that comment and redact it - it was clearly not a moment that glorified God.

    I'm honored to have you following. I'm following you, too. :)

  4. Emily,
    I made a similar comment at my first support group meeting. I said that I was offended that people wrote off my loss as a miscarriage, thus thinking it is very common and not really making anything of it. That infuriated me because I wanted people to know that I gave birth, held a perfectly formed baby in my arms, and then had to make arrangements for her creamation. I had never had anyone close to me experience a m/c (that I know of). I guess I was ignorant and didn't understand that there is still great pain associated with a m/c. Since then, I've become good friends with a women in my support group. She's had two consecutive m/c both at almost 12 weeks along. I've learned that she is just as screwed up as we are. I've learned that regardless of how or when we lose our babies, we all have lost our hopes and dreams for that life. I guess I am better person for coming to that realization. Now, if we could just educate all the other ignorant people in the world.

  5. Man, I'm reading this and thinking....how often do I say something without thinking and hurt someone's feelings? Wow, I need to watch my mouth, or better yet, Lord keep your hand over my mouth! Kudos to both of you for talking it out so that we can all learn from it!

  6. We say things we regret saying in moments we hurt the most. Especially when someone makes light of our pain. It is understandable that you felt such anger and responded accordingly. It also says much of your character that you were willing to publicize yourself being humbled. It also says much of Jess' character that she approached it as graceful as she did, for her own responses could have been full of anger and hatred.

  7. Hi, I have to chime in too. My reaction the last few weeks has been much the same as yours, Emily, when some one puts me in the miscarriage category (it makes me mad and hurt to think that the world thinks I only had a miscarriage), and I know there is pain with a miscarriage but it is a different pain. Just as loosing a baby at term or to SIDs is a different pain. No one can relate to our pain because they are not us....but it is helpful to have others in similar "stages" of when we lost our babies because they saw and heard much the same things.

    Giving birth to your child, having milk for your child, having recovery time after your child, basically all of the pain and none of the gain with your child is what we have had to go through at the stages that we were (second trimester and on).

    It is frustrating to have others think that your loss was, well you said it, our society preps us for loss in our first trimesters and so it also gets a stigma and a "just get over it, your not the only one" type of attitude.

    I have found myself wanting to show the world my pictures of Katy and tell them that I had a c section and force them into realizing that she wasn't just a go home, have some cramping and sorry for your loss baby. She was a delivered, labored for baby and she died during delivery. I know that this is an insensitive way of putting it, but I don't know how else to word it.

    I too have been harsh to other moms and felt that they could not understand MY pain because they had only had a m/c....I too want to feel more for these moms but most of all it makes me more convicted in wanting to tell the world that the loss of a baby is HUGE, no matter when, and it deserves reverence and acknowledgment. It should never be pushed aside and gotten over and have a stigma of expected.

    Our society has names for widows/ers and orphans...but not for us....maybe if they did others would better understand. I want to be more sensitive too.

    Can I link your post from my blog/facebook? Or would you rather not?

  8. Jen, you're welcome to link to me anytime. :)

    I'm really glad we're out here actually discussing this. It's good to know that we're not really all that different, and maybe the only ones who really cared about the distinctions between us is US. Maybe we have more in common with parents who lose children to SIDS, or those whose children have cord accidents. We're all DBM's (dead baby mamas), from those early miscarriages to those losing their newborns.

    Thanks to all who commented. This has given me lots of food for thought. :)

  9. I know this isn't my blog post, but thanks to everyone who commented! I'm glad something positive came out of this.

    I think what it boils down to is our dreams were shattered. We woke up one day and found out we were living our nightmare, our baby was gone. Regardless of how far you are, you had dreams and plans for the future (at least I did). It really is a matter of perspective. A mother who lost her 1 month old baby could argue that anyone who lost their baby during pregnancy doesn't understand pain and a mother who lost her child at 15 years old could argue that the mother who lost her baby at 1 month old doesn't understand pain. I know we can sit here and say "well my pain is worse because I delivered and another could say well my pain is worse because I watched my child live and I spent more time getting to know her” but really does it matter? Who cares whose pain is worse because all that matters is our child is gone. People assume if you have a miscarriage before the second trimester, your body just bounces back unlike someone who had to give birth or lost a baby further along and that isn’t true. Our bodies go through the ringer while the baby passes through. It is very painful to see a mass amount of blood in the toilet and not know what part is your baby.

    I read something in my medical books today that I found interesting. A pregnancy loss before 24 weeks is considered a miscarriage. I personally feel that is wrong but when should a pregnancy stop being considered a miscarriage? Once the baby actually looks like a baby…9-12 weeks? This is very grey area.

    This really doesn’t go along with anyone’s comment. I was just posting some things that came to my mind before bed last night.


  10. You are a wonderful woman to admit you made an error in a time of weakness, Emily. And Jess obviously appreciates it. You are a role model to us all.