The Question I Was Afraid To Ask

Wednesday at the store brought a very special visitor. Anita, the OB nurse who took Leila's photographs, stopped in to say Hi and see how we were doing. My unlikely friend. She's kept up with me for these last two months, calling and leaving messages that she's praying for us. Listening when I just needed to talk. Another example of the many earthly blessings Leila has brought me.

Anita isn't just a talented photographer, or a very caring nurse. She also unbelievably gifted in the art of listening. I should say the dying art of listening. She got me talking about what I would have done differently, hindsight being what it is.

Regrets, I have a few. Things I wish I would have done with Leila. Like brought something personal for her, and have her pictures taken with it. To have been more present, and fought off the numbness. Slept with her. Held her through the night. To have insisted on the nurse breaking the amniotic sac and give her to me as soon as she was born.

All this time, I'd been under the impression that Leila was a live birth, and died on the warmer. Alone, wrapped in a towel.

And I said as much to Anita. I wished I would have held her until she went Home.

Anita dropped the bomb on me. Leila was stillborn.

I don't know how to feel about that. Betrayed, that my body killed her by putting her through labor when she was clearly too small to survive the contractions?

Or relieved, that I was holding her as she went to Jesus. True, not in my arms. But she was never alone.

Anita's a cancer survivor, and she has an amazing faith in God. She left me with these beautiful laminated cards with the precious scriptures that got her through her recovery, to help me get through mine. I treasure them, they stay in my purse so I'm never far from them. They're always at the ready when I need a dose of comfort.

Thank you, Anita. God bless you.


  1. oh gosh, i have regrets too. soooo many. there's no way to know at the time what we are going to regret later on, is there?

    and even though the news you received doesn't change anything now, it must be difficult to process that information when what you THOUGHT you knew to be true isn't.

    i'm so sorry you lost your sweet little Leila. she is just so beautiful, very angelic and sweet.


  2. God does meet our needs, even through other people! I'm so glad she's walking with you.

  3. I know the pain of mistakes , I lost a baby at 20 weeks and I never held the baby.After two healthy children it has hit me hard. Just remeber that you did what you could at that moment. Thats all that matters.We are praying for you .


  4. I have told many that knowing your baby died inside of you is the most unreal feeling. WE watched Lily's heartbeat stop on the u/s machine. All the while my hubby is shaking my stomach telling her not to go. I find comfort in knowing that she saw the angels coming for her as she went to sleep and woke up in the loving arms of Jesus.

    I'm sorry that you got the news so suddenly, but I'm glad you received it from someone that has become your friend.

  5. There's things I always wonder about....I wonder how things would've turned out had I made different choices. It can be a vicious cycle of what ifs. Anita sounds like such a warm, caring, and wonderful person. I'm so glad that you can talk to her and she just listens.

  6. Big hugs! I'm so sorry!

    I know this no where compares to you but I visited my brother's gf everytime she went to the hospital and the last time she went, I was out of town. I didn't get to see my niece alive or hold her. That is why I have her pictures on my blog, I love seeing her alive because I saw her almost two weeks later. I think we all carry guilt with us.