It doesn't take much to break me these days.

The reality of my loss is so much bigger now.

And meaner.

The pictures of Leila, the ones that used to comfort me, they just hurt so bad.


On an intellectual level, I know it doesn't do any good to have a tantrum.

Yet it seems to be all that I can do.

Holding her urn to my belly and curling around it, feeling my heart break.

Sobbing so hard no noise comes out.

Seeing myself in the mirror scares me.

True grief is ugly.


  1. ((HUGS)) I know it hurts and I am so sorry.

  2. I'm sure all of us want so desperately to just have our babies back. I'm sure it is the one wish and deepest desire for many. Throw a tantrum. It's ok. It may not be pretty but neither is the hurt. (((hugs)))

  3. I"m so sorry, and think you are perfectly justified in having a tantrum!

  4. I hear you. It sucks. There's nothing positive about what happened to us. You have every right to be upset and angry. I wish Leila were with you too.

  5. Who cares if you are too old to be throwing a tantrum? I certainly don't. Looks like others who have commented this entry don't. Throw the tantrum. I metaphorically beat God on the chest MANY times as I threw temper tantrums. Well, ok, not METAPHORICALLY, because in my head that was EXACTLY what I was doing.

    I STILL cry about wanting my little girl back. I, too, hold her urn to me. I had to move it downstairs to her memorial spot instead of keeping it up in my room because every time I would see it as I fell asleep I'd end up crying myself to sleep. But I do still have her Lamb, and sometimes I snuggle it to go to sleep.

    Have you heard "HELD" by Natalie Grant? Or Jeremy Camp's "THERE WILL BE A DAY"? Both of those songs help bring me through. Oh, I sob loads of buckets every time I hear them, but at the same time they bring an amount of peace.


  6. Who cares about logic? Throw the biggest tantrum, sister.

    One day, I told my hubby that I just wanted to hit something...over and over again. So, he held up two pillows against his body (like I even hit that hard) and let me wail on them until I was tired. Logical? No. Did it get some of the anger out? Yes, and it felt great, actually.

    I'm sorry and I wish that Leila were here with you, too. ((hugs))

  7. throw that tantrum, throw a thousand you deserve it and you need to get it out, or it'll eat you alive more than it already is. I personally think you need a kick boxing class. I always feel better after beating the snot out of my heavy bag in the garage, My own private tentrum area

  8. It is sooo hard, but please, and i know this is hard, but put your focus back on God. Go back and read a few of your earlier posts and see how comforted you were because you were walking closer to him, because you were leaning on Him for strength.

    The anger comes and that is OK, and I think that being angry with God is ok too and He understands your anger, your grief, and your want. He lost His Son too.

    My heart is aching for you because I know exactly how you feel, but you are going to have to look at your little boy and your husband and accept that they need you more and you need them.

    God had / has a reason for all of this and in time you will be able to make your list just like I am making mine.

    Have a Blessed Day,