Platitude: You're young, you can have more children.
Reply: Seriously? Did you know we tried for years to get pregnant before giving up? Do you think having another child would erase the pain we're feeling now? Do you think we can have a replacement child?
Question: Did she have a soul?
Reply: Uhhh....did you just ask a grieving mother if her baby's going to be in heaven? Wow, that wasn't thoughtless.
Statement: Oh, I had 3 miscarriages. You'll be okay.
Reply: Oh, I've had a miscarriage before, too. Let me say that the two experiences are apples and oranges.
Statement: I hate to sound like a jerk, but you need to move on or you life will be one tear after another and never happy.
Reply: I'm unfriending you on Facebook. See ya...
Platitude: There's a reason for this. Someday we'll understand.
Reply: No sh*t. She wouldn't be dead for NO reason, would she?
Statement: Well, if you're not going to be buried, you can bury her ashes with me. (from a very close family member).
Reply: Don't you think I want my daughter's ashes with ME? If I wanted her buried, I would have done that instead of having her cremated!
Platitude: She's with the angels now.
Reply: none. At least someone's trying to comfort, and this is something I know to be true. I appreciate their effort.
Here's the lesson in this post, folks. If you want to help someone who is going through this, the best thing you can do is close your mouth and open your arms. Let the grief do the talking, and be sensitive. After hearing when the DBM/DBD says, you'll kind of know what kind of help to offer them. ***Platitudes and thoughtless statements do more harm than good***
Also, don't forget about us as time passes. It's been 2 months today since Leila went home to Jesus, and I can say for certain I need more help and support now than I did right after we came home without her. The unfortunate circumstance is that people expect me to be further along in the grief process than I actually am or should be, and the offers have completely dried up - except by my closest friends and those compassionate souls who are familiar with this process. What I would give to have a trusted friend come and take Andrew away for an afternoon so I could sit in the house, alone, and face my grief head-on. Pour over Leila's pictures. Cuddle with the lamb. Cry. Pray. Heal.
I guess I don't have ten examples of thoughtless things people say. God has been good to me, He hasn't let many people say what's really on their minds. Unfortuately, by the time this process is through, I'll likely have a list of the top 25.
If one more person tells me "you're young" I will scream!! I generally think most people want to be helpful, but they have no idea what to say (or realize they don't have to say anything). But there are days when I'm so angry, there's nothing people can say that won't piss me off. Just how it is.
ReplyDeleteI wrote a similar post about 2 months after losing Ella too. I wish people could say something that matched the gravity of what we're going through. Insensitive comments make me so angry!
ReplyDelete((((Emily)))) Unfortunately, you are probably right, your list will grow as time goes by. The people who will say the most hurtful things are also the ones who are too stupid to just keep their mouths shut in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI hate milestone days. They try to kick my butt. I found that I avoided people so much (and still do) because I just don't want to hear the comments. And hear them I have. From grandmothers, to moms, to BFFs. And it's hard not to want to punch people. This is ugly, and raw, and there is nothing good about it, and people who try to tell you otherwise, or sugar coat it are either ignorant to this magnitude of pain or just in denial. (((hugs))) to you on this stupid aweful day!
ReplyDeleteOh, and I agree with Kelly. The young statement usually gets a mouthful from me on how my nieve little self thought I was too young to have a dead baby, and especially too young to have one with Downs. So no, I an not younge...by all rights my eggs are old...
ReplyDeletePlease don't think of your grief as a process; it is rarely linear. Even Kübler-Ross stated that her five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) rarely follow a path; her only comment was that most exhibit at least two .
ReplyDeleteKnow that you are prayed for daily by those who know you, love you, and wish to walk alongside you (even from afar).
I've also heard the "'At least you already have two living children, you should be thankful for that'".
ReplyDeleteI AM thankful for my two living children, but it doesn't necessarily make up for the fact that there are five others that are missing from my life. *sigh*
For the most part, you learn to just ignore the dumb things said. Though sometimes someone will say something so dumb you just CAN'T think of anything to say. At which point you look at them dumbfounded and walk away.
I think I need to do a post similar to this too, and I like the apples and oranges reply...that is a good way of putting it.
ReplyDeleteYou are right too, it is harder now than at first...I think because we are less numb and too because the world does think we should be over it.. My husband had almost said as much to me but I think he is afraid to because he knows I might loose it and throw or hit something if he does...I know he is more over it than me, but he didn't carry her either.
One of the best things told to me lately, from a mom who lost her daughter at term- stillborn for no known medical reason (died during delivery 10 mos ago)...is just that it does NOT get any easier we just learn how to handle it better.
I hope I can learn to handle my new normal better...thinking of you and feeling for you.