Healing, v. 2

I'm so grateful. Periods of normalcy are starting to peek through the clouds of pain. These last two days, I've actually been happy. Unburdened.

I guard that jealously. It's been so long since hugging my son was more than a duty, a going-through-the-motions thing. That I've gone to the store early to open (the only little bit of alone time I can carve out for myself) and not used that time to cry. That tears have not been One Wrong Word away.

Two days have sparked an addiction. I covet that feeling. I did and didn't know how much I missed laughing, and having energy. I want more of it.

The one thing that is still aching, my last hurtle (ironic, that it's called a hurt-le), is my fear of going back to church. Not of church, I've been back twice since Leila died. It's more about seeing the babies again. Two in particular, Piper and Lucy. Their mommies are my friends, and we were all pregnant together, having little girls. Now we've all had our babies, and I'm no longer part of that club. I've graduated to a new club...lucky me. I'm afraid that I'll see these two women with their two beautiful little girls, and just lose it. Just thinking about it, I'm crying. How much worse will it be to stand there with them, chatting away, desperately trying to pretend I'm not dying inside?

And Yasar doesn't understand. He's a patient man, but he really, really wants to go to church. He's gone without me a few times, but mostly if I don't go, he stays home, too.

This weekend I breathe a sigh of relief. We'll be out of town, so the pressure of church won't loom on me. I'll get to practice my new happiness, hopefully get so familiar with it that ~maybe~ I'll barely remember my grief?

Yeah, wishful thinking. But it doesn't hurt to try.


  1. I am dreading something like this as well. I'm attending a birthday party for my friends little girl this weekend. We were like the 5 amigos in highschool...I drifted apart from them and now I'm going to "meet" them all again but this time they are all mothers...ALL OF THEM but me! One is pregnant with number 2. I'm dreading this but excited at the same time to see my old friends. I would have seen them 2 years ago but I didn't go because I couldn't stand that I was the only one without a child ( I think I had also just had a m/c)...I can't keep hiding even though I really want to!

    When your ready, you will go back. I can only imagine how hard it will be to see their little girls and not be reminded of yours. I am praying for you hon. I'm glad you are finding some times of hapiness. You may steal that format...I wish you didn't have to.

    I'm curious...where is your hubby from? Your intro says WAY different culture. My family is from the middle east and my hubby is a military brat (can't get more american than that)...so my culture is WAY different than his.


  2. IT is hard to face people and be "the lady whose baby died" but that is where you really need to be. I also have 2 friends who had little ones at the time that Jacob died, and they tried to keep the girls from me so that I wouldn't be upset, but that is not how to go about it. Satan wants you to be jealous, he wants you NOT to go to church. Don't let him win.
    I know how bad it hurts but begrudging someone for having a baby when you don't (for the time being) may end up having you loose those friends rather than keeping your sanity. You just have to push it aside and go on in, head raised by God's power. He will show His strenght through your weekness.God will bless you and this will pass, but not if you don't take the step and get back where you should be. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

    Have a blessed day!!

  3. Some people still wonder why I don't go to church on a regular basis like I did before. It has been nine months after all, right? *sigh* It's just a very difficult thing to do when you know who is going to be there and that you are at risk of cracking.


  4. Wishful thinking~ we do find a new normal though. We do start to laugh and smile again, after awhile. Happy times will become easier to enjoy and the guilt of acting happy does begin to dull.

    ((hugs)) and here's to healing...

  5. How about treading the waters with my church this weekend? Anonymous worship!

  6. I had to go back to work after my miscairrage and my boss and another co worker were also pregnant. It was very hard to look at them and think why me. Why don't I get to have a perfect baby. It was very hard. You take your time it was no fun being pushed into that situation let me tell you. Glad to hear you had a few good days. Thinking of you.

  7. I don't know why, but church is so hard for me during grief. I think maybe its natural for it to be more difficult not to cry there. Or maybe its just me.

  8. You know - It's the seemingly "normal" days I feel grateful for. That being said, I still hide in my hole most of time, avoiding extended family and activities. But. I so enjoy the times I am happy - purely happy, even if the sadness isn't far beneath.

    Thank you for continuing to read my blog and extend your hand of friendship.

    Loving you back......

  9. Nice to hear that your days are getting a little brighter. It takes a while and we most definitely stumble along the way, but we do get there. It gets 'easier' to carry our babies in our hearts without feeling so sad all of the time.

    Take your time with the Church/baby thing. Your friends will understand. I still find it hard to be around my niece (born 5 weeks after Nicholas).


  10. I say go to church. Yes it will hurt. It will hurt seeing those women and their babies. But you are hurting anyway, and wouldn't it be at least a little better to be in church while hurting that bad? I don't know if it would be better, but this is the advice I give myself every week. I'm not very good at listening to myself, though.

  11. Thanks for your comment. That is such a lovely picture of Carleigh writing I love mommy. Makes my heart smile.

    I'm so glad that you have had happy days. I bet it feels good. :) Slowly you'll keep getting more good days. And good days doesn't mean that you forget Leila or that you don't miss her. That would never happen. But it feels good to have that feeling, huh?

    Perhaps you could just go to church at the beginning of the service and sit in the back and then leave right when it is over. Maybe this way you could still go to church but also help to avoid having to come into contact with babies until you're really ready. Or you could just take the leap and see how it goes.

    I would think that if these mommies are your friends they will understand if you 'lose it' when seeing their babies. But maybe you'll be ok. It's so hard to say how you'll be in that situation. You just never know.