Joy and Pain

I'm really looking forward to this weekend. My oldest friend Joy is getting married Sunday to her soulmate Anthony, and then we're all going to a picnic (read: potluck) reception! Awesome!

So I've been cooking up a storm. I've got caramel cashew blondies in the oven right now, and little brownie cups in the freezer, ready to be iced and decorated at my mom's house. I'll also be working my pepperbeef sandwiches in the crockpot. Honestly, it feels so good to be cooking and looking forward to a nice, enjoyable, relaxing weekend in old Reading, PA.

My only question, as I'm making the list of things to pack, is what about Leila? Is it normal to feel this drive to bring your daughter's ashes with you wherever you go? I feel like, if I don't, I'm leaving her behind. I guess I should be grateful for those feelings, to me it means that I've at least touched on the acceptance step of grief, that I know that my daughter is gone, and those ashes are all I have left.

I don't want to be that weird lady who can't let go. But right now I can't let go. I'm going to sneak her memory box into my suitcase. Even if I never get it out and give my girl a kiss, at least I can know she's with me.


  1. Have you thought about a cremation necklace? Then you can take a part of her with you wherever you go.

  2. Do you have something of hers you can wear? A bit of her blanket you could make into a hanky you could put in your pocket? Something that you can just keep close to hold and touch?

    Have fun at the picnic- your sandwich stuff sounds yummy!

  3. I want to come over right now and sample some of those brownie cups and then wash it down with a blondie.
    After my husband and I picked up Ella's ashes, we went for a walk at the beach. I didn't want to leave her ashes in the car, so I placed them in my purse. As we were walking, we passed a park full of kids. I was devastated that I would never get to take Ella to the park and I so desperately wanted to put her little ashes on a swing and push them. I have also thought about taking her things with me when we leave the house. I think it's perfectly normal. It just sucks that we are not taking our babies with us.
    Hope you enjoy the wedding. Sounds like it will be a nice weekend.

  4. Oh sweet heart. There is nothing wrong with that, nothing at all. I totally get it.

    Did you know there is also cremation jewelry you can buy? I actually really wanted Isaac to be cremated, but my family didn't agree. It REALLY bothers me that Isaac is arms length underground. He's mine. I want him back.

  5. When we go out of town we put Lily's ashes in our safe in the basement. I felt terribly guilty the first couple of times, but now my hubby does it for me with no questions asked.

    I'm thinking of getting a cremation necklace~ maybe an idea for you, too.

    I want to come to your house for dinner! Holy smokes sister, it sounds like you can cook!

  6. Thanks, guys. Now I don't feel like such a wacko! Through, Bree, I don't know how I'd feel about pushing her urn in a swing. I'm probably too self-conscious, though.

    Holly and Misty, I did think about the cremation jewelry. It sounds too risky to me, I'd be devastated if I lost it. Kelly, my husband bought me a necklace (I'll post a picture).

    You guys are awesome, you know that?

  7. I totally didn't push her ashes on the swing. I just wanted to! :)

  8. I don't think there is a "normal", but I think you should do what ever makes you feel better!

  9. I have not lost a child but I have to agree with Kimberly. There is no normal in losing a child and therefore no normal in how it is dealt with. In time the pain will ease, but for now you must do what you need to to get through each day.

    Love you cyber sister.