The Unwanted Reunion

This last 24 hours has been so difficult. It seems like my world is falling in on itself, and I'm just praying to be buried underneath it.

For those who aren't familiar with my background, here's a refresher. Getting pregnant with Andrew? No problem. We weren't even trying. After Andrew was born, we waited about 18 months to start working on giving him a sibling - never suspecting that we'd deal with infertility. After a confirmed and a suspected miscarriage, and almost two years of fertility treatments and disappointments, we threw up our hands and considered ourselves a one-child household. My final act was to sell/give away all my baby stuff. A few months after that, we turn up pregnant. A few months after that, we become grieving parents of a glory baby.

Since the postpartum bleeding stopped, we'd been back at it. Mostly having fun, "not trying but not not trying." But, for me, one of the worst parts of losing Leila was trying to convince myself that we could go back to being a one-child household. Now that I've seriously considered, even almost had it in my hands, being a larger family. And the word around the campfire is that a woman is more fertile after delivery. So we've been trying to capitalize on these hormone surges.

Combine those hormone surges with my getting off the antidepressants, and the stage was set for a whopper of a fight between Yasar and I. Without going into detail, it was very, very ugly. Nothing physical, but words still hurt. I ended up leaving the house last night, bent on sleeping in my car rather than be in the same square mile as him.

(I ended up coming home around midnight, when the heat and screaming kids got the best of me)

And this morning? My horrible Aunt Flo showed up. Unannounced, unexpected, and completely unwanted. The arsenic icing on my putrid cake.

I haven't cried that hard since the days after losing Leila. Why would something as natural as my period rip the scabs right off everything? I was opening the store this morning, sobbing all over the place. The pain is so intense. I want to throw up, curl into a ball, die.
Can I look forward to this every month?

Lord, just bring me home! Please!


  1. How could you not cry. Your emotions are all over the place.
    You poor thing, please accept my hugs. ((HUGS-HUGS-HUGS))

  2. It's going to get better- I promise! (and I don't lie)... hormones suck. life sometimes sucks. but it will get better.

  3. It will get better- I promise! (and I don't lie)... hormones suck, life sometimes sucks, but it will get better!

  4. I would be upset too. We are TTC also and when AF came just the day after our supposed best day to conceive I was crushed. I was really hoping it would be our month. I'm so sorry you guys got into a big fight. Everything is just a big pile of unfair right now.

  5. Is this your first visit from Aunt Flo since the pp bleeding stopped? It will likely be very painful, as will the next couple. I know the first few months after mine it was almost more pain than I could bear, and eerily reminiscent of "that night".

    Allow yourself to cry, don't try to stifle it. And know that my thoughts and prayers are with you right now.

    As well as my hugs.

  6. I remember those feelings after we miscarried, but I think the fear was worse when i actually did miss my period and there were 2 pink lines instead of one. I was not sure I could handle another trauma that soon. My thoughts are with you. Also glad to hear I'm not the only one who drives away when I'm mad.

  7. It does get better...I promise. I know all of us in dbml felt the exact same way with our first few months of AF. Hey, we thought were going to have 9 months of freedom and then bam, you're back at Walgreens stocking up again.

    I hope you and hubby can have a calm conversation today that ends with hugs, kisses and a million I love yous. My mil gave us good advice before we left the hospital, she said that losing a baby can either make you or break you. Its hard when you're heart is broken though. ((Hugs))

  8. (((Emily))) We're TTC and I got AF Thursday night. I shouldn't be dealing with TTC and hoping and having my heart broken month after month. Sydney was supposed to be our last child. We TTC'ed for two years for our first, then had two surprises. I'm fearful that we will have problems conceiving when we're both so desperate for it to happen. Last month was our first month of TTC and I did get pregnant, only to miscarry at 5 weeks. I hope it happens soon for both of us.