Healing

My dearest Leila,

I love you so much. I fell in love with you the moment that test came back positive. I was enchanted with the first pictures of you at 6 weeks. You became part of our family with each new update on how you're developing. My heart belonged to you with those first tiny movements. My heart broke when you came too early, and we lost you.

Now I have to let you go.

I've cried the tears, felt the emptiness of my tummy and arms. I've plumbed the depths of depression and insomnia. I've tested the waters of pity. I've turned to alcohol and rented movies to numb the pain. I've asked God to take it away, then took that request back, because without the pain, I have lost you entirely.

Now it's time to move on with my life. I'll always keep you in my heart. I'll always remember the dark-haired, brown-eyed little girl of my dreams. I'll tuck away the fantasies of you in your pink onesie, first ballerina dress, beautiful wedding gown.

I'll cherish the knowledge that you'll meet me at the gate. I'll always look forward to that.

But until then.....

All my heart,

Mommy