I wish I had the faith to step out of the boat. But instead of relying solely on God, I turn to crutches instead.
After Leila, I started drinking. Not much by some standards, but a lot for me. A (very full) glass of wine every evening, enough to warm me up and take the edges off the pain. So many would say "pshaw, Emily, that's no big deal!". Maybe the wine wasn't, but my attitude was. I was all about "what if" and "just in case" God isn't enough to get me through this.
I'm so ashamed to say that, but it's the truth. The God I love and Who has promised me He would be there with me every step through this, I didn't believe Him. I didn't trust His Word. I may as well have called Him a liar.
I'm sorry. I've been convicted, and I'm penitent. And I'm so thankful we have a merciful God, one Who forgives us whenever we ask.
This past week, I'd had one night where I had a glass of wine. But I did it with a different attitude. And it felt okay to do that.
But now I have a question...do my antidepressants count as the same thing? I restarted those as soon as I came home from the hospital. And yesterday I went to the doctor to talk about adjusting the dosage, because my family is starting to fall victim to my imbalance.
What do you think?