Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

I wish I had the faith to step out of the boat. But instead of relying solely on God, I turn to crutches instead.

After Leila, I started drinking. Not much by some standards, but a lot for me. A (very full) glass of wine every evening, enough to warm me up and take the edges off the pain. So many would say "pshaw, Emily, that's no big deal!". Maybe the wine wasn't, but my attitude was. I was all about "what if" and "just in case" God isn't enough to get me through this.

I'm so ashamed to say that, but it's the truth. The God I love and Who has promised me He would be there with me every step through this, I didn't believe Him. I didn't trust His Word. I may as well have called Him a liar.

I'm sorry. I've been convicted, and I'm penitent. And I'm so thankful we have a merciful God, one Who forgives us whenever we ask.

This past week, I'd had one night where I had a glass of wine. But I did it with a different attitude. And it felt okay to do that.

But now I have a question...do my antidepressants count as the same thing? I restarted those as soon as I came home from the hospital. And yesterday I went to the doctor to talk about adjusting the dosage, because my family is starting to fall victim to my imbalance.

What do you think?


  1. Hi Emily,
    I'm so sorry that you joined this club. I'm glad you found the blogs to help you through your grief. They have been a saving grace for me- I've met a lot of strong women and I don't feel so alone on this path.
    Ive been taking antidepressants on and off since losing Ella. They do help and sometimes I think they help too much (sometimes I cannot cry), so I go off of them for a while. Then, things get dark again, so I go back on them.
    I'm still new at this whole thing too, but I really recommend that you try to attend a support group in your area if you can. I really enjoy my time with the group and I made a nice friend that I talk with in between meetings.
    Okay, gonna go read some of your other posts.
    Sending you light and love!

  2. I wondered the same thing about the antidepressants, and only took them for about a month and a half. I honestly felt like I was going to die in the beginning and they did help take the edge off.

    My relationship with God was a rough one for me when Lily died. Did I still love Him? Absolutely. Did I have complete trust in Him? Questionable. How could a God that loves me so much do this to me? I still don't know, but I know that He does have a plan for me, and for Lily. We had people come up to us after Lily died to ask us how to get saved. If Lily's brief life brought just one person to God's amazing grace, then she's done more than most people that live 75 years. I think the glass of wine is fine, as long as you don't allow yourself mentally to get seperated from God. He knows that you love Him, and He is holding you while you cry. He knows the pain that you are in and He never leaves His children alone.

    I'm sorry that you had to join this terrible club. Its odd though that I have "met" some of the most fantastic women in this process that have talked me through some of my darkest days. We have to be here for each other, ya know?

    Huge ((hugs))

  3. Emily - my heart breaks for you... for any parent who is forced to face this horrendous and life long journey.

    I am so sorry you lost your precious Leila. She is beautiful. I love the picture you have with her Peace Bear. What a special keepsake to have.

    Thank you very much for taking the time to stop by Nicholas' Touch and comment. I do hope that some of my words may help others and I do hope that you find the strength to reach out for support. It's out there - grab on for dear life.

    I too, have two beautiful, healthy living boys. And I hear you when you say that sometimes you feel that should make losing one of your babies "easier" somehow. I often say that it's just like losing one of them. They are ALL my children. That never leaves a mother's heart.

    Please email me directly if you feel up to it (lcreeves3@hotmail.com).

    Strength and peace to, friend.


  4. *Some* crutches can be good. If you broke your leg, sure you could hop along on the one good leg until you healed. But it would take longer and you might fall down more. Wouldn't it be so much easier with crutches?

    I'm not really one to talk though. Medication scares me. I'm afraid of starting and then having to be on it forever, or I would take it and still not find relief.