Little Reminder, BIG Reaction

We all have those triggers. The song that takes you back to your senior year. The scent that reminds you of a great vacation, or a loved one. The book that is a porthole back to the labor and delivery unit....

Wait, What?

Yes, friends. Just got back from the library. And my first public meltdown.

It was Ricki Lake's Your Best Birth.

The book I was reading when Leila was born.

The book I took with me to the hospital to pass the time.

The book I had to stare at on my overbed table afterward. At 4am. And feel the sting of the irony.

Not only was I not able to give my baby the very best start in life. But I also couldn't do it drug-free, as I'd hoped.

I was begging the nurse for something to take away the pain. And when she pushed some medicine into my IV, I realized the physical pain was nothing. It was the pain of my heart breaking that was killing me.

So it wasn't a good time to see that book again. Looking for something light to read, and there's that familiar cover. Like a punch to the stomach. A ball off wool down my throat.

I feel like I'm dying. This pain will kill me.


  1. Don't know what to say. Wishing I could help you. It's such a big loss.

  2. No. You won't die. Even if you beg for it to come take you away. We aren't that lucky. :s

    My first public melt down was at a Mom 2 Mom sale. Like a mommy flea market. I picked up maternity clothes and it slammed into me with a force I have never experienced. I looked at my husband with such panic. I think he was a little panicked too. Probably wondering why the hell we were there in the first place. I'm getting better at spotting those triggers before they bowl me over now. Though, I have to be honest in saying I think that the universe is picking on me. Seems like I get slammed in the face a lot when I least expect it.

    Don't watch Revolutionary Road.

    You could always burn the library down...guess I'm still in the violent rage stage of this mess.


  3. The pain does feel like it will kill you in the beginning, but trust me it will get easier to manage. I've had several public meltdowns in the last 11 months and I'm sure more are to follow.

    We all have those triggers that will have us running to the ladies room to try to save some of our dignity...and, that is okay...