Too Hard

It's too hard.

One of my closest friends is nearing the point in pregnancy where I lost Leila. She's sending out happy updates about her pregnancy. She's filled with dreams of the future of her child. She's excited to know what flavor she's having.

She's so fortunate to still have dreams instead of nightmares. And to be sending out her upbeat blog posts while I cry over the computer.

Not fair. Not fair. NOT FAIR! Do you hear me, God? NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!

I just can't partake of her ultrasound pictures. And her excited news. I talk to her on the phone, and when she talks about her pregnancy, my mind turns her voice into that of an adult from Charlie Brown (wuh Wah wuh wah wah!).

Is it disturbing, how jealous I am of one of my oldest friends?

I just got done reading an online article about how the recession is affecting friendships. That people in better financial shape and less hit by the economy are losing friends not as fortunate.

I wonder if the same can be true for happily pregnant people versus those mourning their babies.

Maybe it's just too hard. Maybe it's asking too much of myself right now.


  1. you are, that's asking a lot of yourself! that's some tough timing, though it always feels so unfair, i know very well. :(

  2. Emily-
    I just found your blog from your comment on Stuff Christians Like.

    On March 6, when I was 18 weeks pregnant, I delivered our baby girl Leah Grace. I'm reading your blog and crying. My heart breaks for you. I know how it is.

    I recently went to lunch with a good friend who is at the same point in her pregnancy that I was when I lost the baby. It was so hard. Listening to her talk about OB appointments and baby names. I wanted to scream.

    There's so much I want to say to you. I know you are hurting. If you need someone to talk to, please email me. key926 at hotmail dot com

    I hope you can find peace.