My husband and I got in a heated discussion last night about how I'm dealing with losing my little girl.

He thinks I'm (dare I say) enjoying marinating in this stew of depression and hormones. That Emily with something to complain about is Emily fulfilled.

And having Leila's pictures in front of me, and blogging about my feelings, and talking about the situation are walls in between here and normal.

I can't erase her existence, that's my argument. I enjoy looking at those beautiful pictures. I can't help the feelings I have, but it really does help me to put those feelings into words. This is my therapy.

I finally understand those parting words from our nurse. "Don't let this get between you." I can see where that would be a problem. Probably not for us, because I'm pretty adept at repressing myself around my husband, but I get it now.

I don't want to be two separate people. The exuberant one who smiles and cooks and takes care of my boys, and the darker, brooding type who blogs under the cover of night.

But I don't see any other options right now. I've basically been handed my walking papers for grieving. I've been given notice that he's going to stop tiptoeing around me. Time to put up or shut up.



  1. Emily - it's so hard, because we do grieve so differently.

    I remember a few weeks after our loss, I was sobbing (once again) in our bedroom, under the covers, away from the kids and my husband came in to comfort me. I remember him insinuating that I was "losing it", that I must get it together. He wasn't mean about it... he has been nothing but supportive, but it stung. Now, 7 months later, I see him more emotional... funny.

    In the early stages the pain is unbearable and you do what you can to get through the day. You are still so early in your journey. Be gentle on yourself... and your husband. No one wrote a book on how to handle such tragedy.. we just do the best we can.

    Strength to you.

  2. Ugh. This stinks! It's only been a month! I think you are doing great at dealing with all the emotions and grieving. And if you don't feel the feelings now, but try to repress them, a few months from now they will come up and slap you in the face and you won't know what hit you!

    Hang in there. Sounds like Hubby is dealing with it in his own way. Remember to love and support each other.

  3. In the movie "Finding Nemo," Dory sings "...just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming..."

    Sometimes I think of that when times are rough and I think it's what God wants us to do - just keep going with faith and eventually we will all get to our destination and find salvation — whatever and whenever it may be. Your Faith is your current. Sometimes you must hang on for the ride and watch out for the jellyfish that may sting you along the way or the sharks that may prey on you.

    Finding good friends along the way, you form a team and work together to find a common good like Peace or Comfort and Understanding. Sometimes your closest friends can really frustrate you even though they love you and just want to help. When you're in a panic, desperately seeking something, that is hard to see and you might find yourself wishing them away. Good friends stick around.

    All drains lead to the ocean. God's Will, our Faith and Following lead us to Heaven – some sooner than others, but only He decides when. Until then, and despite our losses, we must keep on swimming, trust, follow the current, support each other, find the lost and guide them home till our losses are overcome by what we've found.

  4. Ugh, how difficult. I'm sure your hubby just wants you to get back to "normal", but the task that he's put before you is really not fair.

    Grief is such a personal thing, and I'm not saying this about your hubby, but sometimes we do take things harder than our hubbies. We are the ones that carry them, and we are the ones that carry the guilt that our bodies failed the ones that we are meant to protect. You are still so fresh from your loss, and you should be able to wallow for a time as long as you are able to function. I would hate for you to build resentment against your hubby because you were asked to "shake it off" while still in the early stages of grief.

    My in-laws lost a full-term baby during childbirth, and she told both of us the day that we left the hospital "this can either make ya or break ya." We made the commitment then and there that as debilating losing Lily was for both of us, but that as long as we are together than that is the most important thing.

    ((hugs)) and take care of yourself.

  5. everyone grieves differently. Some need put things behind them quickly, and others need more time. You keep blogging we are happy to be your outlet.

  6. Don't fret. Youre husband will crash too. We're 5 months in...it's my husbands turn now.

    He said to me on a few occasions, "it's different for you. You got to hold him inside, feel him moving, growing. You were bonded and connected before he died. I didn't meet him until he was already dead."

    It is different for us. I told my DH to read my blog from day one. I needed him to know what I was feeling, since i can't voice it out loud. It seems to have helped. We don't talk about it, but I know that he knows where I am on any given day.

    Keep in mind that men are fixers, and your DH is feeling very helpless not knowing how to fix his own emotions, much less yours. You'll both hit your stride eventually and soon you'll find yourselves in reversed rolls.

    I don't even try to begin to defend or explain my grief. I just assume that everything I do and say is just part of this beast called grief. And we all do it a little different.

    Keep breathing.

  7. Be kind to yourself. Your grief is still so fresh. I felt very close to my husband after the loss, but as the weeks moved along, we started to grieve differently. He didn't want to talk about Ella night and day and I felt like there was nothing else to talk about. Its gotten a little better. But, its tough.